Need help, advice asap
I have been married to DH for 6 years, together for 9. His 17 yr old from previous marriage has been with us for 5 years. Last week I learned that when she was 9 or 10 she told my 5 yr old about sex and then simulated sex with her on several occasions. She lied to DH and told him it was only kissing. I just knew was lying so I took her on public walk to restrain my desire to strangle every drop of air and asked her about it. She told me she had my daughter touch her genitals, once my daughter scratched her and it hurt. She estimates it happened about 5 times. She believes her older sister who doesnt live here knew about it.
She told my daughter, now 13 about this last year. My daughter just told me. I asked my daughter if she remembered any of this and she says no. I am so angry about this. DH is going from crying to defending in a way by saying it happened 8 years ago. My daughter and i spoke again last night about it. I told her she is going to counseling and she said why if i do not remember anything. I explained how people block things out.
I dont know what to do. DH had 3 daughters, the older 2 didnt want to live with us. They are drug addicts who sleep with any living thing. So he is torn up and blames me for losing them. Now I am demanding that this one gets out of my house. I cannot stand to look at her. I get nauseous.
Some background info that may be useful: I am a lawyer and a former prosecutor. I use to prosecute aggravated sexual assault cases like this. If the acts occurred at 9, she cannot be prosecuted in Texas. Must be 10 and older. DH wants to accelerate her out of high school, get her a job and try to have her out of the house by November, when she turns 18.
I dont think I can survive 6 or 7 months with her. The biggest question we had is why did she tell my daughter this last year, and she said bcuz it has been haunting her. But why didnt she come to one of us? Even the counselor at school told her she had no right to tell a 12 year old that sh@t.
I cannot think straight. I just want to hurt her for ever touching my baby. DH wants me to interrogate her bcuz maybe I am blowing it out of proportion. What he doesnt get is my lack of information is whats keeping his child alive and well. I only talked to her to prove to him once again that everything out of her mouth is a lie.
If I persist in kicking her out, my marriage is essentially over bcuz she is just a tad slower than an average person, not mentally retarded. She has dyslexia and learned to read late, i actually taught her to read. So my husband is so concerned about her ability to make it if she leaves. Her mother doesnt want her, no contact in 3 years.
Am I overreacting? I want my DH. We have only fought about kids. I love him but i do not know if i can get beyond this and survive until the end of the year.
Your DH needs to see it from
Your DH needs to see it from the other side. Ask him what he would do if he found out your daughter did something inappropriate to one of his, and you wanted to sweep it under the rug. Your marriage doesn't have to be over but part of me can see this getting really ugly--the more pissed you are, the more your DH will want to defend his daughter. It'll tear a rift between you that may not be fixed.
If I were you, i'd negotiate, in that sure, she can stay until she's 18 but come that birthday either she's out or you are, and that you will do nothing for her in those months, and after she's gone, if she ever shows her face around you and your daughter, you may not be able to restrain yourself. Or he can choose to have her leave right now to go to a relative (who does not have young children), all of you go to counseling, and attempt to heal from this. His choice. Make the staying scenario worse than the leaving one and see which one he chooses.
I'm sorry you're going through this. ((hugs))
I can not even imagine how
I can not even imagine how you are feeling right now. I am so sorry that this happened to your daughter. I have to ask though, what happened to your SD at the age of 9 that she knew about sex in that capacity? What kind of abuse did she suffer? I am not justifying it at all!! It just does sound like you have only hit the tip of the iceburg on this one...
I cannot speak on anything
I cannot speak on anything that predated my marriage to DH. However, one does not get a free pass even if they were once abused. Is it possible, sure. Do i care, no. I know that sex play/curiosity is normal as kids age. But this is more sinister (seems that way to me) and to tell my daughter like she did is unforgiveable. Not to mention, i have cared for her all these years like she was mine! Why didnt she come to me, her dad? She told a 12 year old child about "a deep dark secret."
I agree totally with Flabby.
I agree totally with Flabby. There are a lot of such weighty issues going on in this post. Most of us are not qualified to advise you, and I include myself, even though I was a marriage counsellor for 8 years. I think you need professional advice. But be aware, that once you tell someone, it may be taken out of your hands, in that they have a legal duty to inform social services, and they may insist on the 17 year old being taken out of the environment where the girl she abused lives.
I want this to have never
I want this to have never happened. Yes, I know that is completely unrealistic. The irony is that for 15 years I have fought to protect others and failed miserably to protect my daughter. I have contacted a counselor for me and my daughter. I want nothing to do with the 17 year old. If I never saw her again, that would be too soon. My struggle presently is what will happen to my daughter as they try to unlock her memory. I could easily have her arrested as we live in the county I worked as an asst DA in. The judges, prosecutors watched my daughter grow up. She is so brilliant, just scored 1600 on her SAT thru Duke talent search program, is a softball pitcher, plays the violin and clarinet, is an ambassador at her school, is eligible to move to high school which i decided against to ensure she is socially mature. I want justice for the crimes but I dont know if the price will be too high for my daughter. She has told me and dad that she remembers nothing. She is not some shy child, so vocal and open. Plus DH adopted her. He has agreed to put 17 yo out, call police, force bio mom to take her. I just know he will be devastated no matter what. I dont know what to do, but rest assured that my daughter's safety and well-being is my only focus. I
Thanks to all for your feedback. I am having a difficult time with this bcuz it affects my child.
I really feel for you, please
I really feel for you, please don't be hard on yourself for feeling that you hav'nt protected your daughter, how could you ever imagine that anything like this would happen? However I urge you to make your partner tell a professional, this girl should'nt just be sent out into the world to endanger other people. But I do agree that she should'nt be around your daughter anymore.
I agree with you, there is
I agree with you, there is also the issue that if the girl isn't helped then what could she be capable of in the future, just getting the girl to leave the home just endangers someone else, this girl has serious issues that must be dealt with.
We discussed that too,
We discussed that too, possibly she is lying. She wants to move in with friends bcuz we dont allow tight,revealing clothes, no cursing, no raccoon eyes makeup, b average, we are very regimented. Mainly my husband. So our first reaction was that she knows how I am about my kids and this would guarantee her leaving the house.
Unfortunately that doesnt make the issue any easier. Do I believe she would lie about something like this to force our hands on letting her move in with friends? Yes.
Thats what he told me last
Thats what he told me last night....his love doesnt go away even when they do things as horrible as this. He asked me if i would love my child in spite of this. It is just a f@&$@& up situation. Then he adores my daughter and has cried every night about bringing this crap into our lives. He apologizes and tells me he will do whatever I ask. But I dont know what to ask for....to send her packing and watch his pain all over again?
Just so many factors to consider. And my daughter keeps saying how she remembers nothing. And i was so involved from the moment i became a mom, its so hard to believe i would have missed this. Even now if i dont hear my kids shuffling around the house i am calling out, whatcha doing? No sleepovers unless i know the family very well. Run background checks on everyone.
I just dont know what to believe or what to do.
Whip her @ss first off, then
Whip her @ss first off, then as a lawyer I would feel obligated to investigate to ensure she hadnt done same to others, probably make a report to the authorities, and get her into therapy. Then whip her @ss again. Sorry but it is the truth.
Ho hum....I will figure this out. Thanks for allowing me to vent and giving me food for thought.
AB