Wow, Mominator! Many items struck a cord with me. A big one is to allow others to accept responsibility to fix their own problems without your imput or help. This was hard for me in some ways, watching DH struggling to understand why his prescious princess would suddenly turn on him when I removed myself as 'target'. Another of the items is placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. I think this is where I was 'caught'. I became overly invested in an ideal or dream rather than reality, and I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and used. You have to ask yourself, "Does it really seem emotionally healthy to continue life as a speedbump?" And what can I do to fix the situation for myself and my sanity. When I disengaged I merely changed my role in a sick game. I did find a curious thing in the process - after disengaging from SD I found the courage I was not aware of to either disengage from other toxic people in my life or to set limits where they where needed. Thanks for sharing this.

I think I am beginning to see what you mean by "disengage". My 35yo SD has a 7 month-old son (out of wedlock). I would love for us to have a relationship with him, and not to continue to "pretend" that we all like each other. However, anything that I do, or say, is always perceived as "trying to hurt her" because I don't necessarily agree with her choices in life (getting married for the sake of "being married"; then divorcing and telling everyone "he beat her"; then calling to say "she was raped"; then taking the guy to court and pinning him with a "sexual predator" label; then getting pregnant by a 23 year old college student; then trying to cut him out of the unborn child's life by say "he beat her"; then suing him for "paternity and child support" while whining to Daddy that she needed money for a lawyer; then trying to limit his visitations with the child; then telling me I'm a hurtful person for sending the guy who, quite frankly, I felt sorry for, a facebook friend-request). And she's right, I DON'T agree with her choices - but when she continuously needs money, or Daddy's advice, or assistance, etc., I feel I have a right to voice my opinion. So my question now is, how do you disengage? Do you just refuse to do anything with them, and let DH do everything with them without you? Do you go along and just keep your mouth shut (because, let's face it, when I do say things, like "Aww, Austin is so cute. He's got his daddy's eyes". I'm accused of being hurtful and I should have lied and said he had his "mother's eyes"!)? I'm not sure how this works. My DH would LOVE for us to have the "Norman Rockwell family", but that's just not going to happen. So on any given day, he feels guilty for having left them with their Mother (he stayed for 26 years of marriage because he didn't want to leave the kids while they were young with such a crazy person), to feeling sorry for me for having to put up with them. The boys are fine, it's the daughter who, is best friends with her crazy Mother, who causes us the most problems! HELP!

I've been disengaged for over a year now and it is great! All you do is adjust your life so SD is not part of it. All responsibility for any relationship is placed on DH's shoulders. If SD calls and you answer the phone, it is like speaking with someone taking a political poll - polite, limited information, pass it on to DH. I chose to ban SD from our home until DH can deliver the rule that she is to respect his wife. But if she is allowed to enter your house you treat her as if she is a neighbor whose religion you do not want to join - detached but polite. If she tries to engage you in conversation you reply, "Oh, that's interesting", nothing else. Do not allow SD to inconvenience you in any way. Do not pay for part of any gift or meal out. Any discussion of SD between DH and myself is limited. If he mentions something I respond with a disinterested, "Oh." DH is free to visit or call her whenever he pleases, just not with me - and I let them know it is MY choice. I also quit playing the BS game. No more phoney pretending. When SD told him she "likes" me (after going ballistic on me), I responded, "She doesn't like me and I don't like her."

I do think it's pretty well impossible to have a relationship with a grandskid if you do not have a relationship with the skid though. I think that would be very hard to navigate, partly because the skid would feel very affronted at being ignored when child was not, and would act up if she is this sort of borderline personality type of character; and mainly because I would not want to handle the cross-currents and manipulations that would be attached to pushing one and pulling the other. I'd recommend if you want to disengage from SD, disengage from her offspring also. Keep it simple.