SD13 spreading rumors about my 15 yr old Bio daughter
I monitor the Facebook accounts and cell phone text messages of both my own 15 year old daughter and my 13 year old step daughter. I feel if I pay the phone/internet bills...I have that right to know what's going on. I was checking my SD's FB messages and found where she was spreading rumors about my Bio daughter and telling her friends how she hates my daughter and she will never love her or look at her at her as a sister. I am so angry that I can't even begin to explain. Her father took away her cell and laptop...but he's established a routine of that being short lived. I can't even look at her or hear her voice without my blood pressure rising through the roof. How do I begin to deal with this? I feel horrible for my daughter as they have to share a bedroom. I can't IMAGINE having to be in that situation with someone who said such hurtful things about me. SD has pretty much caused chaos in our household for the entire 9 years her dad and I have been together. I'm so fed up. I think she acts the way she does to cause enough problems that her dad and I will split. Do I just grant her wish so that all of us can be happy??
What rumors was she
What rumors was she spreading?
Telling her friends that she hates your daughter and will never view her as family isn't a rumor.
Teen girls can be vicious. At 15 and 13, they should really have their own space.
I agree with this. At 13 and
I agree with this. At 13 and 15 they need their own space. If she doesn't love or like your daughter, that is up to her, but spreading that knowledge and rumors about someone on fb is mean and cruel, regardless of whether you like them or not. I hope your DH uses this as a teaching opportunity, and as SD screaming for help and guidance from him and maybe a counselor.
Does your SD live with you?
Does your SD live with you?
I think its incredibly
I think its incredibly different to have to manage skids who have a negative attitude, worse still when you have had YEARS of having to put up with it.
However at 13 kids say many nasty things about people. I know I kept a diary and unloaded my feelings on there, I think this is what has happened here. I am not sure what rumours she is spreading, perhaps you can be more explicit so we have more context to give advice?
I appreciate its really hard and hurtful hearing your sd say horrible things, particularly if she has no basis for her harsh words. That said she is venting and that is one negative outcome of reading someones private thoughts...you may not like what you hear. I am not saying you are wrong for monitoring your kids/skids use of the internet/phone, just saying this can be an unfortunate consequence of that.
What does your OH say about this? I think if the rumours are going to have an impact on your bd (e.g. they are bullying or influencing other people to hurt/pick on bd) THEN you have reason to address this. I do think your OH needs to talk to sd about her feelings about bd and explain about consequences of saying these things. Your sd could be just venting, getting it off her chest in a moment of anger (you know teens) and doesnt actually genuinely mean it. Thats why OH needs to talk to her.
The rumors were sexually
The rumors were sexually explicit and untrue. I understand that she has a right to her feelings and the right to express them to her friends. But spreading untrue rumors that could get my daughter harassed/bullied is not okay with me. And with the economic downturn that has affected my family (along with many many others) we are unable to get into a larger house that would allow them to have separate bedrooms at this time.
This is good. ^^
This is good.
I wonder in this day and age
I wonder in this day and age what kind of parent thinks they shouldn't.
Perhaps crappy parents?
I monitor MY kids' stuff. I
I monitor MY kids' stuff. I do NOT monitor (and didn't when they were minors) my STEP kids' stuff.
I think that's what she was asking... because she only asked about the stepkid...
If SD lived in my house, and
If SD lived in my house, and I paid the bills for her electronics, then I damn sure would monitor them. If DH wanted to pay for everything himself, then he could have at it. Once you bring my bio into the mix, though-all bets are off.
I guess I'm just not a
I guess I'm just not a control freak. Just because "I" pay the bills doesn't mean I'm now the boss over DH and his kids.
I would address both girls and find out what's up, though. The sexual rumors are just not cool.
Wait...I didn't call anyone a
Wait...I didn't call anyone a control freak. I said "I" am not one. To me, whomever pays the bills isn't necessarily the "one" in control. Think of SAHMs on here who get upset that DH did something they didn't like. It's all about the "team." But if they pay the bills, the double standard kicks in? Um, no...
I'm not defending anyone's actions. Teen girls can be vicious. What she wrote isn't right. I was simply saying that DH should parent his child and OP should parent hers.
I would love for you to point out where I defended the spreading of rumors, though.
Did someone call you a
Did someone call you a control freak?
Because the implication in your statement seems to be that you consider anyone who says that if they pay the bills for something, especially for a minor, and monitors those things is a control freak. Which is exactly what I said I would do.
I will take it as you were not implying anything, and were just rambling on in a nonsensical fashion.
No harm done.
I had no idea monitoring what
I had no idea monitoring what went on in your household as an adult made you a control freak. I call it being an involved parent. But, hey, whatever works for you. Not everyone has parenting skills.
You're right, which is why I
You're right, which is why I monitor MY kids.
The I would hope that if your
The I would hope that if your stepchild was calling your DD derogatory names, that you would protect your child and take care of it. Or does that fall to daddy dearest too? What about, like in OP's case, he doesn't take care of the problem?
Once I knew about it, I would
Once I knew about it, I would address. I already said that.
But I would NOT take my DH's role as father away and do it myself. He's a perfectly capable, grown ass man. He doesn't need me telling him what to do.
He often doesn't do things "my way" but I'm sure I don't do things "his way," either.
I think the difference is,
I think the difference is, your DH would monitor his kids activities. Most DH's of people on this board don't-thus the reason why we are here.
So, we have to do it, or it won't get done. It's really not hard to figure this concept out-if we were not having these problems, we probably would not need these boards.
Really, it's not rocket science.
Of course it's not rocket
Of course it's not rocket science.
That's why I come here to bitch about my stepkids.
I don't come here to bitch about my husband, which is what it sounds like you're describing.
Again, not rocket science.
So you have a problem with
So you have a problem with people that complain about how their husband's parent (or non-parent) their kids? Ummm, you do know that this is a major problem stepmom's have with their blended family situations?
So confusing. If the DH doesn't handle it, and your kid suffers for it, then it's ok because DH is a "grown ass man" who should handle it, even though he doesn't?
And if he doesn't, and you have to handle it yourself, then you are bitching about your husband?
So the alternative is, what? Bend over and take it?
First of all, my DH is not
First of all, my DH is not tech savvy at all and always has me do everything when it comes to the computers. Therefore, I do not feel that I'm overstepping by monitoring Facebook,etc. He knows that I am and has no problem with it.
Secondly, HE decided the punishment..not me. Again, an example that I did not take away his role as a father. I just informed him of what was going on. I also, IN FRONT OF HIM, told his SD that this was unacceptable and would not be tolerated by me. Which I would expect him to do also if my child was the one in the wrong.
I'm glad to hear you two are
I'm glad to hear you two are on the same page!
I have told both girls that I
I have told both girls that I can and will monitor all electronic activities. Both are with us full time. Their bedroom is divided up equally. They don't have to share anything except a TV. To be honest, Dad and I both agreed to monitor electronic activity after the cell phone company recommended it when we got their cell phones. But he hasn't and I can't force him to. When the girls were a lot younger we had a problem with the youngest hitting the oldest. Finally got that to stop after a couple of years. Now, the youngest is 5'7 and the oldest is 5'1 ironically. They've always bickered like I did with my siblings. SD also has an 18 yr old 1/2 sister who doesn't live with us. 1/2 sister has always been a bully utilizing her size (6'1) to intimidate, was mouthy to teachers in school resulting in getting kicked out of classes at times. SD has made the statement that she wants to have people afraid of her just like her big sister. I realize that's just a younger sibling role modeling after the older sibling. But I am concerned none the less.
My daughter has chose to just
My daughter has chose to just let it go. She's very hurt and says that she won't be able to trust SD again. She has always just wanted everyone in the world to just get along. She hates confrontation and people being hurtful to each other. She had been hearing people say that SD had been saying how much she hates her and had voiced that to me. That is what made me go look at the messaging that was going on. I actually hadn't looked in a very long time. Thank you for your kindness hypovic...it's appreciated:)
If my SD15 was spreading
If my SD15 was spreading sexual rumors about my DD, I would snatch her ass up so fast she would not know what hit her.
It is WRONG. Wrong to say it about her stepsister, wrong to say it about anyone. Just because some posters want to jump through crazy hoops trying to make this your DD's fault, it does't negate that fact that is is wrong, period. Idiot adults making excuses for bullying behavior is what creates bullies in the first place.
Oh, I know. You can see that
Oh, I know. You can see that here. The kid who is being gossiped about and having rumors spread about needs to be more "welcoming". :sick:
What your SD has to learn is
What your SD has to learn is that doing this to someone is wrong, regardless of whether you like them or not.
Do you have another room in your home where SD could move to? DD shouldn't have to give up sleeping where she currently does, and shouldn't have to share a room with someone so mean to her.
Unfortunately no..there's not
Unfortunately no..there's not another room.
Move her ass to the couch.
Move her ass to the couch. Bag up all her shit and teach her a lesson. IDGAF if it seems unfair. That can ruin a child's reputation and can never be taken back. My cousin was the victim of this same kind of bullying and guess who can't get a job now? Seriously, move her to the couch. I would personally post on her Facebook the true shit she does but I know all the BMs that are pretending to be stepmoms on here would banish me for it. OH THE HORROR!
Inform Facebook about this
Inform Facebook about this bullying - its a hot topic today and Facebook is very sensitive to this because of suicides as a result of bullying on Facebook.
Don't divorce - just seperate. Tell hubby when his kid is out of his home you two can get back together. Hopefully it will shock him into taking some action but if not carry through and get your own place. Even if the kid sleeps on the couch of a one bedroom apartment (in a seperate school district of course) its better than this.