BM is in the military - advice?
Hello all! I am new here, and new to step-mothering as well! I have no bio kids of my own, so this is new territory for me.
Quick background: DH and I have been married and living together for over a year. We currently get about 45/55 custody split between weekends and school breaks. He has two girls, 4 and 6. His ex is in the military and is currently facing being restationed for 8 months for a school she is required to attend. We live in MD; her school is in TX.
She wants to take the girls for the school year, which would result in them being withdrawn 3-4 weeks early. That does not allow enough time for them to be re-enrolled here and finish the year when they get back; so they'd essentially lose a month of school! Not considering any other "normal" time they would miss for sick days, doctor appointments, etc.
The custody agreement is very vague when it comes to her restations; and basically says we can just "revisit" the agreement when her orders arise. Is it reasonable to expect that we could get a more stable and consistent arrangement from the court? She has REFUSED to negotiate (unless that means we agree to everything she wants) and also refuses mediation. I KNOW part of it is a money issue; she's terrible at managing finances. She doesn't want to pay the mediation fee; but I don't feel right about "bullying" her into court either!
I'm mostly concerned about the stability and consistency for the girls; and their education. I just don't see how her solution is in their best interest AT ALL!
I'm not sure what to do .. but I'm terrified she'll end up taking the girls considerably far away and our hands will be tied! Anyone have advice, or similar experience?
There are so many more issues (as I'm sure you can imagine); mostly stemming from some hatred she has developed for me (not sure why, other than the obvious "I married her ex"). She refuses to let me pick up the kids from school (they go to a school on military base and SHE has to add me to the pick up list); she refuses to acknowledge me in general; she tells the girls they don't have to listen to me; etc etc etc .. just feeling SO overwhelmed!
My answer would likely be
My answer would likely be different if the girls were older. Really, at 4 and 6, they aren't going to miss much. I can't imagine the 4 year old is actually in school (more like a daycare?) and the 6 year old is what, in kindergarten? It's not like she's going to have projects and homework assignments.
At those young ages, they'd likely miss mom an awful lot (since she's primary) and I think that would be worse for them than missing 3 weeks of schoool.
I understand your points, but
I understand your points, but we've done some research. The girls will miss a MINIMUM of 3-4 weeks of school (assuming BM takes NO time to relocate in the spring, get settled here, etc.). Students are required to complete 90% of the school year to be promoted to the next grade. That's 18 days max they could miss. They're already looking at least that many assuming they never get sick, never have a dr. appointment, etc etc.
Granted, the 4yo will be in day care, so probably not a life-altering event for her. But the 6yo will be in 1st grade, and that could be a big problem for her.
I just don't see how completely relocating 2 young kids away from their father, friends, and all the rest of their family for 8 months is reasonable? BM will be in school; studying and very busy with trials, etc. Besides, she's been active duty since the kids were born. They are used to her being deployed for anywhere from 3 to 12 months at a time. They've never been required to spend that type of time away from their father.
I honestly want to see both sides and understand, and maybe I'm just too biased, but I just don't see how the girls' best interest is being considered by BM in this scenario!