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How to Bond with Teenager and Adult SS After Serious Incident Happened

coraliss's picture

Submitted by coraliss on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 1:11pm

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Adult Stepchildren

Hello there. Been in relationship for 5 years. Two years ago the 13 year-old SS that was staying with us every weekend decided to place a hidden recording camera in my BD's bathroom and my bathroom to check us out naked. We found out about it because my BD found the camera in her bathroom. Since that incident the SS no longer stays at the house. There is an older SS he is 20 now and as far as I know he was not involved in the peeping (although sometimes I wonder). We send younger SS to see a counselor somewhat patched things off and went on with our life. As mentioned before it has been two years since the incident 5 together, and I am not able to bond with these boys. They are very polite, but cold, and will hardly look at me in the eyes when talking to me (the rare times that they decide to talk to me). Any suggestions to make things easier and try to bond with them. My husband really wants to spend more family time and go on vacations together and I find myself dragging on the idea.

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 1:40pm

I agree, Bookish -- creepy but certainly understandable at that age. I think you can move on if you choose to.

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 1:52pm

Thirteen year old boys are prurient by definition. I think she can make it a huge crisis, or she can choose to move on -- with limitations, and discipline, certainly, but there's no need to brand him a sexual offender.

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 3:59pm

I've talked to lots of guys about their sex drive at this age since I have discovered it was so different from girls went through. All of them (except one and he has fat hips & butt, a sign of excess estrogen) stated they thought of sex almost constantly. Once testosterone hits it's almost overnight (literally). It's totally the hormones. Testosterone works on the visual part of the brain and thus men are very, very visual (how many girls did you catch hiding playgirl under their bed). Back when we were young, there were no hidden cameras, if there were I'm sure we'd seen much more of this type of thing.

Most thirteen year old (or 20 year old) guys would find the ability to tape a girl naked very, very tempting. Doing it is wrong, no doubt. But is it deviant and wacko for this age? No, it's an underdeveloped frontal lobe (inhibition) combined with raging hormones.

I'd still be p.o.'d and on the rampage if it were my dtr, don't get me wrong.

The boys are probably really embarrassed around you. Maybe they were attracted to you too.

I don't remember if you mentioned the age of your daughter, if she was a kid than he might be a pedophile. If she was around his age, I think it's wrong but the temptation is very normal.

I think it's really seems really strange for us women because we just weren't tempted in that direction.

Ask any guy if he would have been tempted to secretly tape a girl undressing when he was thirteen years of age and you'll get your answer.

Poodle's picture

Submitted by Poodle on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 7:05pm

At this age they are indeed active and interested, which is why also many of them are also old enough to have been taught very clearly about boundaries and what harassment is.

forgotten wife's picture

Submitted by forgotten wife on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 3:00pm

"My husband really wants to spend more family time..."
then let him do it. they are not your family and never will be. he needs to stop pushing them on you and you on them and face it that you are not the "first family".

all he's doing is trying to make you feel guilty for not loving them as if you were their bio-mother. won't happen, especially, after what's been done.

coraliss's picture

Submitted by coraliss on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 3:08pm

I know this can be a sensitive subject and the incident has been very controversial in our lives. At the time of the incident we took the SS to have a psychological evaluation to make sure there were none abnormal sexual tendencies, and the results were that he was a perfect normal 13 year-old curious teenager with some devious behavior on his part (coming from the planning of the crime). I don't hold resentment towards him and I had moved on with it the best I could. We had some family counseling as well to deal with it. I truly think these are not bad boys, but it is difficult for me when they are so disconnected. When we go out to dinner, for example, I feel like an outsider (and this would happen before the incident too). They only talk to their father and address me only if I ask a question. I am looking for ideas on how I can break this cycle to get closer as a blended family not to break apart. I believe these boys were very hurt when their parents broke up (I met my husband very recent after they splited) and they still seem to be recuperating from it. Any advice on how to help from my part for things to get better. Thanks for your feedback so far. Smile

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 3:12pm

Coraliss, you sound like a very sensible woman, and I appreciate you cutting through all the extraneous comments.

I think this is one of those things that perhaps only time can fix. Keep being steady, and affectionate, but not demanding. It's really all you can do. You cannot make them like you, but you can make yourself a steady, reliable, non-crazy adult in their lives. I have faith that that pays off in the end -- not always, but mostly.

Good luck!

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 6:12pm

My nephews were like this to me. My sister died and I tried to be a mother figure in their lives to some extent (she took her life when they were 13 (twins) and 11). They acted just like this for a long time. I actually think this is normal. It wasn't until the twins got to be about 22 (last time I saw them) that they acted more normal around me. The 20 yr old was still a little rude. I think they may get better with time.

Poodle's picture

Submitted by Poodle on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 7:09pm

My SS hid behind door cracks to watch me breastfeeding BS. He did this for months. I knew he was doing it and I did not get DH to deal with him. As far as I was concerned it was not a problem, and I have never ever considered it abnormal or something to criticise him for. But if my son now 13 set up a camera in this day and age, no, it is too well known that this is an abusive act, even amongst that age group. They would have known they were overstepping the mark and not simply peeping. And boys who do this do not just watch the footage themselves. It gets taken round school and so forth. A very serious matter for both the woman and of course especially the young girl, if that happens.

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 6:12pm

My nephews were like this to me. My sister died and I tried to be a mother figure in their lives to some extent (she took her life when they were 13 (twins) and 11). They acted just like this for a long time. I actually think this is normal. It wasn't until the twins got to be about 22 (last time I saw them) that they acted more normal around me. The 20 yr old was still a little rude. I think they may get better with time.

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 3:18pm

"that one", what? Its hard to see what you are responding to. If you are responding to Newwife's thing about pressing charges, I would say STOP STOP STOP.

coraliss's picture

Submitted by coraliss on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 3:54pm

She is open with it. We are planning to rent a big house so everyone has their own space and bring their boyfriends and girlfriends along. I think Augusta just gave me an idea! I can plan to take to boy out to eat with the excuse to plan something special for father's day and make them feel part of the event. Smile

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 5:20pm

Sometimes it never happens. All you ask is respect for privacy and civil polite behaviour.
I would have a real problem going on vacation with these kids. For a start one is an adult and any amount of 'bending' is not going to work the way their father wants it to.
Not every family, in fact very few, are the Brady Bunch. Some men have this really weird understanding about a 'blended family'.

So I would start with polite dinners in a neutral place. Thank them for their contriution or thank them for coming along. This may take some time before you reach a comfortable place in your relationship with them.

As for the vacation ... you really want to vacation with people who aren't comfortable with you? How uncomfortable do you have to be?

You can't force a blended family and all blended families are different.