husband only attends his sons sports
We've been blending for 1.5 years.. husband has 1 from previous and I have 2. Our sons are 1 year apart - his is 11yo and mine is 10yo. They've been best friends for years but as they age they are definitley different. We're now going to have to split up for sports. When I told hubby about my sons events coming up on the same days as his sons he has no response as to coming to my sons events. I've supported my stepson whole heartedly. My stepson has a lot of loving family. My sons biological father abandoned us a few years ago and I can tell he desperately seeks the approval of my hubby. My stepsons mom is there with him for everything, its not like they rely on my hubby.
How do you blend conflicting sports schedules? Is it unrealistic to want my hubby to split time for his bio son and mine?
I think so, because this has
I think so, because this has the potential to create a lot of resentment from SS that he will channel towards your BS. SS might get resentful of the fact that your BS already sees DH every day, while he does not.
SS might have lots of loving family there, along with his mom, but they can't take the place of DH in his eyes. Boys really bond with their dads over sports.
Is your BS in counseling? Being abandoned by a parent must be very difficult. Counseling could help him find healthy ways to vent and cope.
Have you ever discussed with DH what you expect from him towards your kids, and heard what he has to say? His expectations and desires about that might be different than yours. It couldn't hurt to find some middle ground. But I wouldn't go searching for it this way. That could really backfire on you and BS.
A good middle ground might be for him to start talking with your BS, and asking him how he's doing, and how life's going. He can ask him about his favorite sports, movies, music, and start there with bonding with BS.
You expect your DH to not go
You expect your DH to not go to HIS sons game and go to YOUR son's game? That is absurd. How about you not go to your sons game and go to SS's game and see how that goes over?
I do not expect him not to go
I do not expect him not to go to his own kids - what I do expect is an open heart for all the children. Does not even attending 1 of my sons games promote favoritism and not a family unit, not a blending of family?
I have a similar problem. SS7
I have a similar problem. SS7 and SS9 are athletic and involved in a lot of sports. My DS13 is not athletic but does have some school events that it would be nice if DH would go to. My DS's father isn't involved in his life and my DS thinks of his stepdad as his dad. It's becoming clear my DH doesn't feel the same way about him and puts his kids at a higher priority. That hurts my DS so much that his father abandoned him and he's a second class citizen to his stepdad.
You have to find some sort of compromise. If one child has more events than another, then your DH should go to the one with the least.
Also, if one child lives with you more, they should be the higher priority, especially if they do not have another parent who can attend.
You cannot force or ask your
You cannot force or ask your DH to love your BS the way he loves his kids. That will just make your DH resentful of you and BS.
Having stepdad, mom, aunts, uncles and grandparents at the game is great, but boys really bond with their dad over sports. His putting his kids on the back burner might make his kids resent you and BS too. Unfair? Maybe, but it's a possibility.
Is your DS in counseling to help him cope with his father's abandonment?
I started my SS in counseling
I started my SS in counseling for his anger issues, prior to my arrival and he's now doing great. I have just contacted a counselor for my BS as I'm seeing a strong delayed reaction to abandonment from his biofather... hence, my even greater concern when DH won't miss just 1 game to show support...
I understand your desires
I understand your desires here. I have kids whose father has walked out, too.
It sounds great in our heads that it will all be one big happy family, but it often doesn't work out that way. YOU chose your DH. Your son didn't choose him. Your DH didn't choose your son.
I'd put money on the fact that having DH miss his kid's game to attend your son's game would NOT facilitate blending. I can see your SS getting most upset that your BS is trying to move in on him. Then you'll foster resentment between the kids, which is TOXIC.
And DH can resent you for feeling guilted into not going to his kid's games.
Really, I think this is a struggle for you because it's difficult to see your son without a father, and seeing that other kids have one.
Your last statement is
Your last statement is absolutely correct. Maybe I'm just hoping for something that'll never be. There will always be the favorite, the bio, but i'd hope it'd stay in the heart rather than out for all the children to see.
Thank you for the input. I'm glad to hear it in a different light.
I think you are being
I think you are being unreasonable. You are asking him to miss HIS kid's games so he can attend yours? That hardly seems fair. It's not his fault that your X is a bum.
I should have been more
I should have been more specific in my post. Just don't wanna show heavy favorites, even tho our hearts have them. All kids need to feel part of the family and I suggested switching games to show support for both. Even just 1.
I don't stay and watch
I don't stay and watch practice, but I'll damn sure be at any games.
There's no way I would miss
There's no way I would miss my kid's (or even my nieces or nephew's)events to attend my SKs events and I happen to love my SKs.
Just because SKs lives with you, doesn't make them a higher priority. SKs are not replacements or place holders for bio kids.
I completely understand your
I completely understand your empathy towards your DS and the fact he does not have a BD to attend these sports events, its also really unfortunate that BS and SS's sporting activites coincide.
That said I am unsure what you are suggesting in terms of what you have posted? i.e. did you want your SO to ditch his own son's activities for your DS's? Or were you suggesting he attends your own DS's sometimes?
I personally think you cant ask your DH to forego ss's activities because your DS's dad is not interested and as DS would love for SO to attend his events (and am not clear if that is something you are indeed suggesting as thats not clear in your post so dont like to jump to conclusions).
I do think children notice if their parents are unable to attend (for whatever reason) and that they do like relatives to come and support their commitment to their hobbies and talents, however there are going to be times or situations where parents are unable to attend (be it due to work or whatever) and that is life. Albeit unfortunate for the child.
I can see how your son would LOVE for SO to attend and cheer him on, so am throwing out reasonable suggestions which means none of the kids lose out nor do the adults and their bonding time with their own Bio's. How about saying to SO "I completely support your enthusiasm and commitment to ss's sporting events, its important for a father and son. As you know I also support ss in these ventures with much joy. It does make me sad to see DS miss out on his own father's attendance in his sports, as I know sons will look for a male role model in this and while I am also keen to and will attend my DS's events it does make me feel sad on his behalf. So I was thinking maybe once in awhile you could attend DS's events (ensuring you are not missing out on something important with ss) while I attend ss's at the same time, and we both can attend each of the kids events together once in awhile too (again ensuring we arent missing key matches of the other kid). What do you think?"
This way both kids are being supported in the blended family network, no bio parent is being asked to sacrifice their bonding/sporting times with their own Bio's but also that each child IS being supported by their stepparent.
I think we must remember that its not going to kill dad, ss or DS for them to infrequently have their bio parent miss attending non essential fixtures. It ensures that DS also get some of that male time he is craving (while ss and SO arent missing out majorly). It ensures that all members of the family are bonding, considering one another, taking care of each other (as SO will be helping you also).
This is an important lesson in compromise imo, a lesson in considering other people and also I think its no less of a sacrifice that many SM's make with their own blood families for the sake of their DH's and more importantly the skids.
Take this time with your son.
Take this time with your son. Let him have that time with his. It's actually ok for you each to go do your own children's things. Plus it's special for your kids to get one on one time. It doesn't mean he doesn't support your child. It means he loves his as much as you love yours and he wants to see his play just as much as you want to see yours play.
I, for one, dont think you
I, for one, dont think you are being unreasonable. After you clarified and suggested that you go to your ss's game once and he go to your ds's game once-that seems entirely doable and should not be a problem. Heck, I have this problem with my 3 bios-I have had to forgo some of their activities to be at an activity for another. It's life. It's important for kids to know, IMO, that the world does not revolve around them. There are others that are important and need time, love, and attention as well. Your ss may really enjoy YOU attending one of his games. Hopefully there may be a few times when the times are not exactly the same and you all can go as a family. My dh is also my ds's stepdad-but he's been in his life since before he turned 1. To my ds, this IS his dad. It would break his heart, if he only went to ss's activities and never his.
Another thought is that at least once in the season-maybe the boys could each have a sleepover night with a friend on the team and you can let that boy know-you will skip that game and then attend the other child's. I agree that a kid is not going to die if you dont make it to every single game. I work full time and my dh lived outside of our home for about 4 years due to military service-there were plenty of times I just couldnt make it. My kids understood and are all healthy well adjusted kiddos. My parents went to like 0 of my games/activities when I was kid although they were great parents. The push for all this extracurricular stuff just wasnt as important when I was growing up. I turned out fine.