DH of Starla here, my daughter 14 also has been diagnosed with Aspergers and we have similar troubles with her. We routinely put her to work when she is acting out. This seems to refocus her energy and provides an outlet that we steer toward a positive end (ie. "you did a good job on the dishes. Thanks for your hard work.") It seems to give her some sense of pride although she requires supervision through out the task.

As for her mother she is dead wrong about giving her special treatment. What I view is unfair BM isn't treating SD like she is a whole being and capable of responsibility. Your SD is not going to get any better until she has consequences for her actions. She still has a mind and should be held responsible to use it. There is nothing wrong with both parents determining their own punishments for the deed and in this case your household should be the one compensated for the monetary loss. Yes, make her work it off. In this way she will think twice about doing the same thing again. SD one day is going to have to live in the world and is going to need the tools to do so.

This condition requires a team approach by all the adult carers. It is also one where the child will find change very hard to cope with, and creates particular problems at adolescence. You need to use all your professional experience to take a long hard look at these 3 issues and decide with DH whether your marriage can stand them, before you embark on having a baby at this particular point.

It's me Starla, would like to add stuff my SD has taught me. My whole life I have worked with kids & I started doing so as a child when my mother was running a daycare. Went from that to years of baby sitting, to a job working with kids, & now became a step mother. I thought being a step mother was going to be so easy than came the diagnosis Aspergers of 14 year old SD. As long as I have been in SD's life, I always knew she was different. Assumed she was mentally disturbed. Spent much time trying to get in her head & learn how she views things, people, & if she cared about anybody or just herself. Still honestly do not know if she cares about anyone else & she is so lost in a world of her own.

Due to violent episodes she currently resides with BM. BM is very neglectful so as of now, we manage SD's behavior here during her short visits. We have experimented with different punishments as needed & its a learning game for everyone involved. My famous question for SD after she has stole or done someone wrong, is "so what are you going to do to make wrong right?" Very important that she is held responsible for her actions. Your SD may be under the impression that she has no control of her actions cause something is wrong with her. Guess I was bothered by your SD BM's actions more than your SD's actions. BM should have NO say to what goes on in YOUR & YOUR DH's home! That's a right you lose when you get a divorce & move on. I suggest you & DH don't answer to the EX.

My DH use to feel uncomfortable with his daughter for he did not understand her at all. He has come a long ways since he started to take charge. SD in given time has become happier here with knowing her position as a family member & that she is responsible for her actions. Children with Aspergers are all to often viewed as being just a stupid kid with mental issues. Their not stupid & their brains do work. People need to figure out how their brains work & give them (like you would any child) the tools they need to be ready to live in the real world on their own someday.

I wanted to know what she does when we would send her to her room so we snuck in a baby monitor. Wow were DH & I in for a surprise... Ok she had got into trouble & we were informed about it by our neighbors. We had SD tell us (DH & I) what was going on, why she got upset, & what she did through her sobbing tears and all. Than had sent her to her room as DH & I were going to decide her punishment & she slowly walked to her room like a beat dog. DH & I quickly went to our room, turned on the monitor & listened to her quietly sing, play, & she was not the least bit upset or worried. That's when reality hit home that we need to step it up with her before its too late.

We decided to try an approach & it has greatly helped. For example- when she tells us of her violent actions, she cries like no tomorrow so you feel bad enough & just want to let it go. We now have a timer handy & we have her do workouts as she tells us her wrong doings. After she admits what she did, we give her a drink of water & a bathroom break. Than have her do a different exercise as she tells us loud & proud that she does not want to hurt anyone & says good things about herself. We allow her to stop when she needs a break during workouts but after all is said & done, we let her know she did a great job being honest with us & that we agree of the positive things about her that she had told us when she was exercising. When she is being moody or has been lying, we put her to work doing something constructive for the family. We supervise her on the given project to assure its being done correctly as we give verbal compliments when she is putting effort into the job.

SD seems to improve when she is with us only we live around a lot of children & all of our friends have children. With how many kids she has already attacked, we are afraid to have custody. Her BM keeps her isolated for the most part but SD seems to go backwards when she is with her BM. This is where we have come to & have tried to get further insight.

She now thinks before she acts for the most part. Its important that you find a way to correct her but in a way that her brain puts things into prospective for her. As for your DH & yourself, allow yourself to go out if you need a break. Its challenging having a child with Aspergers & really makes you guys remain on your toes in her company.

My BF's son (SS11) was born severely disabled . He has him 50% of the time. He is mentally retarded, cannot talk, has trouble walking and thus usually is in a wheelchair, eats 90% through a feeding tube, can be aggressive, wears diapers, and has very low tolerance for being in public places/parties/holidays, etc. for more than an hour or two (he gets agigated and begins to get aggressive). This creates a huge challenge at times because it limits what we can do and where we can go. It is also very difficult to find a babysitter for him. We have one family friend who is willing to watch him and that is the only person who feels comfortable with him (she was an ICU nurse for 10 plus years).

I worry about what my BF is going to do when SS11 continues to grow, etc. AND, also how much SS11 will impact the lives of any children we may have (currently SD9 always has to take a backseat to SS11, which may have some benefits in terms of teaching her compassions and patience, but sometimes I worry that it is too much of a sacrafice to make for a little girl). Although SS11 is a wonderful little boy, it is very difficult for me to really connect with him due to his limitations. I try really hard but sometimes still feel that I am falling short.

Anyways, I don't have any advice, but I wanted to just share that I have similar concerns and worries....

Good luck.