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Preparing for Disengaging Discussion with DH

GodHelpME's picture

Submitted by GodHelpME on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 9:29am

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:? So, I've decided to write my DH a long letter explaining my position regarding disengaging. It is the only way I think I will be able to fully explain my position. He may hate me afterwards and I've come to think that's ok. But I want him to know what I will and will not do from here on out.

I want to know, did you have a discussion about disengaging before you did it? How did you DH or DW respond?

:?

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 11:42am

I told him before I did it, so that he would know what was going on, would be able to pick up the slack, and understand how I was feeling.

kitty1470's picture

Submitted by kitty1470 on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 12:07pm

I just did it too..at first, he fully expected me to watch and take care of SD4 the entire day so he can lay around playing video games with SS8. He expected me to do everything and if I told him I wanted a break in the room and watch a movie, or go out shopping for an hour, he'd get offended that I didn't want to spend time with all of them. I told him, no I don't want to spend time with all of you!
They aren't MY kids and I don't feel like spending my entire weekend playing with a toddler and entertaining her, and watching her!!

I told him, I chose not to have kids for the very reason that I don't want to be wasting my entire weekend watching them, so he can sit on his ass playing video games!
His excuse ' she's a girl and she wants to hang out with another female so its your job to take care of her ' um excuse me? I don't think so.

So everytime his weekend would come up, I'd be dreading it..and I told him, this weekend, Im going shopping, I'll be home when I get home. I also have a hair appointment etc..
I told him this is what my weekends are for, not to watch your kids so you can relax!

So at first it was tough because he was insulted I didn't want to be around his kids. But now he's used to it and doesn't say anything about it and accepts it.

They come to me and ask if they can have snacks/drinks etc..I tell them go ask your dad. Let HIM get off the couch and serve his kids, not my job! If they get out of hand, I get up and go into my room. He can deal with it.
Now things are great because I disengaged and he accepted it.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 12:10pm

I really think its a bad idea to discuss disengaging with the SKIDS bio parent before you do it. It's like throwing down the gauntlet. In my experience, much better to just implement the changes gradually.

mom2boys's picture

Submitted by mom2boys on Thu, 04/05/2012 - 5:27am

I didn't discuss I just did it and hopefully it makes you feel better and it will show dh how much you DID do for his kids. I wouldn't say anything to him it be like aski g for permission. In a way.

GodHelpME's picture

Submitted by GodHelpME on Thu, 04/05/2012 - 8:24am

UPDATE: Talked with hubby. He understands and is appreciative. He said he will try to engage more and if I have any problems to call him anytime at work. (He's a store manager and works all day and all night sometimes.) So, I'll keep you all posted! I feel sooooooooooooo much better! Smile

gladtheyrenotmine's picture

Submitted by gladtheyrenotmine on Thu, 04/05/2012 - 11:05am

Just disengage....no need for a warning shot. I agree with Mazzy....if you show your hand too soon, they'll just look for any opportunity to attack you about disengaging.

I did it without discussing, but then during an argument several weeks later I let it slip out, and that created an even BIGGER argument. She got over it eventually, but it was just one more thing to fight about. In the end, you're going to disengage whether you discuss it or not, and whether SO agrees or not. So just do it on your own terms. You'll be better off, and not have to worry about the discussion coming up every time you actively disengage from some situation.