Caught In The Middle??
This is my first time posting here, didnt know where else to turn and hoping some people here can give me some advice.
I have been dating a man for a year and he has an 8 year old daughter. He does not have custody of her but has full rights to see her anytime. She comes over once a week for a few hours after school and usually on the weekends either for a day or to sleep over.
Now here is the issue....
She wont sleep on her own. She never has been made to sleep in her own bed, not here at her dads or at her moms either. So now enter me into the picture and call me crazy but i just dont see it right that an 8 year old should be sleeping with her father, or sleeping in the same bed as us!!
Last night I finally said enough is enough. She came to bed with us to watch a movie, but I had spoken to my boyfriend earlier and we agreed that she could watch the movie but then sleep in her own bed. So after the movie was over and he told her she had to go in her bed she threw a fit, crying...the whole bit. They were in the bathroom brushing their teeth and i over heard the whole conversation. Basically he told her...
"You need to sleep in your bed, Ill sleep with you there, but if you go back into daddys bed my girlfriend will bed really mad and go sleep on the couch and that will cause daddy problems"
When I heard this I was fuming....
So what does he do he lets her walk back into our bedroom...and thats when I said "I cant sleep in a bed with all these people!"
So she went to her room when she heard me say that...and he called me a cry baby and said I made the situation worse and I should have helped me when I knew he was having problems getting her to bed.
I told him its not my place to tell her what to do, but I dont see how its fare that I should have to go sleep on the couch just so she gets her way and is happy. Its not my fault that he and her mother never enforced proper sleeping rules. I am sooo mad about this.
I just dont know what to do...I feel caught in the middle of this whole situation.
Was I right to stand up and say "No shes not sleeping in here?"
She was gonna let her come crawl back into bed just to stop her crying...and I dont see how this possibly could fix the problem?!
Or maybe I should just sleep on the couch from now on when she comes over?
Help!!! Im so frustrated!!
I forgot to add, my relationship with his daughter is amazing. She and I have got along really well from the moment I met her. She loves to do things with me all the time. She often gets upset if im not here and will want to go home to her moms if she knows I am at work and wont be home until later.
I also wanted to add im mad that he would say its ME who will get mad if she sleeps in our bed. Like thanks a lot for making me the bad guy. What is he trying to do ruin my relationship with his daughter so she hates me for enforcing rules??? I live here full time...that has to account for something????
Sometimes the kids sleep with
Sometimes the kids sleep with their Dad and I (his kids are 9 yo boy and 6 yo grl).
His 6 yo grl, would want to sleep and cuddle up with us, problem is she snores. Normally by the time she is sleeping, he'll pick her up and put her in her own bed before I go to sleep.
His 9 yo boy, recently have been wanting to cuddle, (they are going through a divorce and the kids are having a hard time coping) so my bf stays up with him until he goes to sleep (in his own bed of course)
Your bf needs to juggle, his daugthers' and your needs all the time, and he needs to stand on his own ground and help you out as well.
He shouldn't be blaming you (in the bathroom conversation) and calling someone a crybaby just shows that someone is being immature and honestly, belittling.
A child's sleeping place should be their safe haven, their comfort zone. If she doesn't want to sleep in her own bed, then let her sleep in your bed, carry her to her own bed when she is still sleeping and she'll wake up on her own bed. (btw, its may takes weeks for her to understand it, that your bedroom is your own and hers is hers.
Sometimes the kids wants to sleep me and their dad, so we make movie/camp out night in the living room on Friday (when they are here for the weekend.)
I'm sorry if I sound longwinded, I hope this helps a little.
Thanks for your advice. My
Thanks for your advice. My boyfriend has done this with her before, where she falls asleep in our bed and he trys to move her after she falls asleep. What happened though is she woke up and figured out what was going on and freaked out!
Her BM knows this is happening but wont help out because she loves that it causes us problems when she comes over. I feel awful about the whole thing, I just dont feel right sleeping in a bed with her, I ws brought up never sleeping in my parents bed once! So this is strange to me.
I think im just gonna have to back off...and sleep on the couch from now on because I can not forced my boyfriend to parent how I think he should, he is the dad not me. Then at least Ill take myself out of the equation.
I just get scared because she is almost 9 and we want to have children of our own some day and Im scared of what the SD will do because my children will NOT be allowed to get away with half the stuff he lets her get away with.
I think it's pretty
I think it's pretty inappropriate for school aged kids to sleep with their parents in anything other than extreme circumstances. I wouldn't allow this in my home.
I see where you are kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place though. Sounds like it's his kid and his home. You need to make it clear to him that throwing YOU under the bus to cover for his parental shortcomings is not going to fly. He should have put the kabosh on her sleeping in his bed a long time ago. If he can't, then maybe he needs to focus on parenting until he can, and THEN get into a mature adult relationship where he has sleepovers. Just my two cents.
I agree with you. Children
I agree with you. Children need to sleep in their own beds. I do not allow this in my home either.
I agree goodbyenormajean.
I agree goodbyenormajean. Problem is we live together now so we are well beyond the "sleep over" stage.
I feel or at least I felt this was just as much my home as his until last night. Just because I finally said something about it and put my foot down this became a huge fight.
He is at his moms with his daughter for easter lunch today and I decided not to go because Im too upset. Call me immature but I needed some time to myself. Im not sure what im gonna say to him when he comes home. His daughter will be with him and she will go home to her moms sometime later today. I just dont wanna fight with him while she is here. But I dont wanna ignore him either...I dont need her to think Im mad at her dad...thats the LAST thing I need right now..seriously.
Girl, I know exactly how you
Girl, I know exactly how you feel. The first few months me and my SO were dating, we had the kids one weekend and SD decided she was going to sleep with us. I kinda got territorial and I ended up going home to my own home. She did this multiple times when they were over, and it began to become a "this is how we can make daddys gf go away.". We had ourselves a long talk and got on the same page.
The only advice I have-being as I am just as a year and a half-is sit down and talk with the SD. IF you guys have such a good relationship, you should be able to sit down and have a chat with her about the insecurities she may have sleeping alone, or why she feels she has to sleep with someone.
Good luck doll! Be strong and know that you can do this.
When we first started getting
When we first started getting SS, now 3, he was the same way- WE put an end to that real quick! BM and her dumb BF have him sleep in their bed or on the couch- he says he has a bed, but constantly talks about the couch and our bed and how he wants it "like at mommy's house".
Luckily I got DH's support- and had told him that I would sleep in the basement if he didn't help out with this- and he said no way- the kid has got to learn to sleep on his own.
DH told SS that SS has his own bed- granted it was a new house etc, WE took that into consideration. We tried the first night straight into his bed in his own room, which was decorated, well lit etc, and he bawled all night long- tried that for 2 weeks- with practically no sleep- we would sit in his room until we thought he was asleep- end up falling asleep in his room, and would go to leave- and he'd wake up and freak- like blood curdeling screams- you'd swear he was being stabbed- So after 2 weeks DH and I can't go w/o sleep, so my suggestion was to move his bed into our room, which lasted for 2 weeks, then WE moved it into the living room, farther from our room, closer to his, which lasted for 2 weeks, then into the hallway of his room, then just inside his bedroom door, and then into his corner across from the door. Granted he was only 2, and it took lots of sleepless nights, we got there, and now he's out of his toddler bed and into a twin bed, which he loves.
DH had a night job over winter, so I had 4 months to get SS trained to my likings- hehe bath, and bed routine- with lotsa potty trips. Before this, DH would have to stay in SS's room and sleep there too and wait til SS was completely out and then sneak out- but I changed all of that-I had other things to do for 3 hours- like sleep myself!- than to sit in this kid's room waiting for him to sleep and then having to sneak out. I would go in and read him a book, when the book was done, I kiss and hug, ask if he needs a final potty trip or drink, if not, it's bedtime. Good night I love you.
Now that DH has a daytime job, We go in together and read a book, and he's asleep lots of times before the book is even over(Cooper books- with interactive Bear from Hallmark- does very well!)
Thanks blue belle. This has
Thanks blue belle. This has already started to happen where she doesnt want to come over as much due to her age and her wanting to have sleep overs at friends homes etc. So whenever she does want to come over we always are happy about it. Its just when bed time rolls around you can feel the tension building because we both know whats about to happen!!
As for mom being on board thats a joke. She has told Dh many times that she wont help out but doesnt like the fact that she sleeps with us when she is over. So its like we cant win. So basically she is saying she would rather her sleep with her dad than with us which means I get the shaft. You know what I mean?
She has a beautiful room, which is more than most little girls can say they have and she doesnt want to sleep in it. Even when her dad tells her he will sleep with her in her room she throws a fit..for whatever reason she wants to sleep in our bed with us!!?? makes nooooo sense to me?!!
*agrees with several of the
*agrees with several of the posts*
her father NEEDS to make the first move and STICK with it. The moment he backs down and lets her sleep in your room, its back to square one.
the kids know where their beds are and that is where they sleep.
my bf stays next to them when they sleep and he leaves. (6 - 7 months new at this, the kids' bm left them for her bf and well, he has full time custody and the bm has visitations. that is a long story in itself.)
whenever his daughter plays the "daddy, i love you" card on him, i kindly remind him that she just sucker him and needs to stands firm on his decision. i find that she does it to me too, and i tell her, yes i love you too but get back to your homework and we are not dealing here. homework first...(bec she wants to get out of hw.)
The fact that he made you out
The fact that he made you out to be the bad guy is the more concerning point. If he keeps that up, my suggestion to you is to leave to avoid a great deal of never ending pain caused by the competition he has just solidified between you and a 9 year old :(.
No, you are not wrong. She
No, you are not wrong. She should sleep in her bed. And your SO is wrong for making you out to be the bad guy. Blame shifting is what I call it so that they can still look 'totally cool' in their children's eyes.
I went through the same thing except my DH would lie down in SD's bed until she fell asleep. I put an end to that the first night. She screamed like a banshee despite having 3 night lights and the hall light being on. My DH and I had a major fight because he couldn't bear hearing his angel cry. But after that night - no problem. She got the message real quick and DH figured out that was something I was not going to back down from.
Stick to your guns if its real important to you.
I guess I am different. I do
I guess I am different. I do not allow children in my room at all. What goes on in my room does not pertain to a child. Furthermore, I feel I should have one space in the home that is my sanctuary free from children. They must knock and ask for permission to come in my room. But there is no 'hanging out' in my room. TV watching takes place in the media room or in the living room.
I understand that many don't share my same philosophy. So, do what works for you. This works for me.