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"but what about sd?"

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Thu, 03/22/2012 - 7:20pm

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I am so sick of hearing this. Everytime the focus is on one of the other kids, this is dh's first response.

I take each of the kids for pictures on their birthdays. I want to make a nice book for them on their 18th birthday with all their pictures of them growing up.

We did ss's last month. The next birthday is BS, he turns 3 next month. So I ask Dh if he has any opinions on what BS should wear in his pictures, if he was thinking formal or casual. His response was, what about SD?...... What about her, Bs's birthday is the next birthday..... Are you sure?...... Yes, BS was born in April, his birthday is in 3 weeks, so I want to start looking at the sales to get him an outfit...... I thought SD had the next birthday.....no, she was born in May, do you have a preference for Bs's outfit......no, but what are you getting SD for her pictures.......aaaaagggghhhh!!

No wonder this kid thinks the sun rises and sets from her behind!

LPS's picture

Submitted by LPS on Thu, 03/22/2012 - 7:22pm

Don't ask him anymore and when it comes time for SD birthday, don't bring it up and let him get whatever he wants for her or not at all.

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Thu, 03/22/2012 - 7:38pm

He wouldn't do anything for it. I only ask him out of courtesy, he never participates. But as soon as he realizes (or SD bitches to him) that I didn't take her for pictures yet), he will rant and rave about how I hate her and how horrible I am.

I am just so sick of everything having to revolve around her and her feelings. Doesn't matter what it is, he is immediately making it about her. Ss's mom came over for the first time in over 2 years for his bday.....Dh first concern was 'what are we going to do about SD?..... What dovyou mean, what about her?..... Well, how is she going to feel when her mom doesn't come to her birthday?..... Well, there really nothing we can do about that, is there? We can't force her to come?........yeah, but we need to do something to make it up to her...... Ok, but while we are talking about it, how docyou want to handle it when ss's bio mom dissapears again?.....huh? I dunno, nothing?..... And the next day he tracked down sd's bio mom, called her and set up so they could email eachother (since she refused to talk to her on the phone or text)

So now, SS hasn't talked to his mom in 6 weeks, and SD emails her mom a few times a week. But that ok, and he doesn't worry about how SS feels. Yet when it was SD that was left out, he jumps into action to fix it all.
I just don't get it.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Thu, 03/22/2012 - 9:37pm

you are taking his kids to get pictures and making them a scrapbook out of the goodness of your heart. when i do something to be nice to someone and they start getting shitty about it, like demanding it or expecting it, or like sd19 does-complaining about it, that is when i stop doing it. so if sd wants to bitch and moan that you haven't taken her for pictures yet, pictures that wouldn't happen at all if it weren't for you, that would be the first year of forever that she wouldn't be getting pictures on my dime or my time. if it's so damn important to dh, HE can do it!

i'm serious, i would be DONE. nobody is going to call me a bad person for not doing something for their kid that they don't even do for them. how important would it be to dh if you stopped doing it? probably not important enough for him to take over...

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Thu, 03/22/2012 - 8:20pm

>>>"SD is allergic to peanut, are you sure restaaurant is safe for her."<<<

You're so right DH, if the peanuts don't get her, maybe the pack of wild hyenas they keep on standby will!

Sorry, I'm in a weird mood, lol.

Cinderelly's picture

Submitted by Cinderelly on Fri, 03/23/2012 - 12:11am

*Like*

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Thu, 03/22/2012 - 8:22pm

PeanutandSons, that would drive me batty beyond belief. Sorry you have to deal with that nonsense!

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Thu, 03/22/2012 - 9:28pm

I HATE hearing that phrase. Duly hated is the phrase "What about me?" from the mouths of ANY of the children.

I find it appalling that children are so self absorbed, but it's not hard to see how they got that way.

Just tonight I was looking at DD8's report card. All advanced marks, as usual. I was telling her how proud I am of her, and that this weekend, if I don't go into labor, I will take her to do something special. The words barely drop out of my mouth before DH says "Well, what about SD9? Did you see her report card?" I said "No, after the call I got from her teacher last week, I don't need to see her report card, but you go ahead and take a look at it if you like. And by the way, she's with BM this weekend, so if BM wants to take her and reward her for reading at a kindergarten level, that's between the two of them."

And yes, I said it right in front of everyone, because DH said "What about SD9?" in front of everyone, and all eyes were on me. Maybe next time he'll save that for later.

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Fri, 03/23/2012 - 1:02pm

May be a case of "guilty dad syndrome". My husband suffered from that early on in our relationship. Daughters have this thing of wrapping their daddy around their little finger..GRRR! My first thought as reading your post, i heard some side stepping answers in that conversation. Maybe you & SD can buy some cool stickers and mark everyone's Birthdays in your calendar just the two of you though. Next time you plan on an outfit for the Birthday picture, bring that calendar to your husband and show him the next Birthday coming up. Than ask your question. He too will feel more relaxed when he learns you & SD did something special together! lf you can find things you like about your step daughter, put some spot light on that. His concern "what are we going to do about SD?" how about "good thinking, can we get pictures taken of her on her Birthday too?" Perhaps you could blow his mind if you also ask "can her & i pick out the outfit, just us girls?" Guys are simple for the most part but when it comes to kids with ex's, they can become painful quick.

Frustrated New Wife's picture

Submitted by Frustrated New Wife on Fri, 03/23/2012 - 2:20pm

I don't know how you do it, Peanut. Seriously, just reading this post got me aggravated for you. I just don't think I could live with that on a day to day basis. I don't have any advice, really. I would say stop doing the pictures, but YOU like doing them and it would only cut out one instance. DH isn't going to change and it will still be all about SD, no matter what situation you are in. How incredibly frustrating!

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Fri, 03/23/2012 - 3:03pm

I'm fast getting to the point where I don't want to discuss anything with him anymore, cause this is how it always turns out.

And it seems like such a small thing (esp to people not in step-world) but its really wearing on me. We can't have a conversation about anything without either her butting in and taking over the conversation or Dh immediately turns the conversation to her.

And I could almost understand it if she was his only child, but all three (soon to be four) kids are his.

Frustrated New Wife's picture

Submitted by Frustrated New Wife on Fri, 03/23/2012 - 7:46pm

I don't blame you, but damn does that suck for you! You can't even communicate EFFECTIVELY with your H because he is always bringing up SD. I feel so bad for you and his other kids. I find it funny how people who aren't in the step world find that a small thing. How would they like it if every time they spoke to their husbands it was like hitting a brick a wall? I can't see how anyone couldn't find this absoultely maddening.

Sue de Nym's picture

Submitted by Sue de Nym on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 3:32pm

While registering for gifts for my baby shower, dh asked if we could tack on a few things to the registry for ss. The fuck?

Sue de Nym's picture

Submitted by Sue de Nym on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 3:40pm

Yeah. Ugh. It sickens me just thinking about it. All I could do in the moment was pick my jaw off the aisle, grab the gift scanner and walk away. I sympathize with the op, I really do.

Sue de Nym's picture

Submitted by Sue de Nym on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 4:10pm

I agree with the full-on shower for every baby bit. However, it was my first child, his second so my friends and family absolutely wanted to host a shower for me. Also, getting ss a "big brother gift"- totally reasonable. Asking to put a random assortment of things for ss on a list for which my friends and family were meant to be selecting gifts to celebrate my first born, totally tacky and intrusive. And still not the worst of the "but what about ss" that has become my life.

Sue de Nym's picture

Submitted by Sue de Nym on Sun, 03/25/2012 - 4:20pm

Oh, ok, gotcha. And I certainly appreciate your objectiveness because goodness knows i'be been searching long and hard for it lately.