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Dads! I really could use your advice

mamamomo's picture

Submitted by mamamomo on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 8:18pm

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Step/Bio Father's Den

I gather from the big hickey on my ex's neck that he has a new girlfriend. I don't care. Although I wish he would date nice respectable girls that would be good role models for my DD, I know I have no control over this and I try to stay out of it. My issue is that he tends to bring new GFs around my DD too early in the relationship all I want is for him to get to know the person he is dating and give their "relationship" some time before he has GF around DD. I've tried to talk to exH about this before and we ended up fighting about it he acts like I am being controlling. I am just trying to do whats best for our DD and make sure she doesnt have people in and out of her life all the time. How can I get exH to see that he should make sure that his new relationship is stable before introducing GF to DD?

youbetheparent's picture

Submitted by youbetheparent on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 8:25pm

You don't. He is going to do what he is going to do. How old is your DD? Could you talk with her and try to do damage control before she gets hurt?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 8:28pm

I'm sorry to say it's usually not something you can control. I know you want to protect your DD but I don't believe anyone has the right, unless it poses a documentable danger to who their exes bring around their kids.

I know some people have gone to court for stipulations on who the bio can have the kids meet, but I always thought unless it was harmful, that's a little OD. You could try the court route if he won't concede?

People will come in and out of children and adults lives all the time. I would have a talk with her to flush some things out.

This is all just imho of course.

mamamomo's picture

Submitted by mamamomo on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 8:30pm

She's only 5 and I worry because she had gotten somewhat attached to his last GF and very attached to her kid. I don't want to take him to court we get along very well this is one of the few issues that causes trouble I just worried that maybe I was being to pushy with the issue and there might be a better way to talk to him about it.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 8:42pm

I know how you feel about wanting to protect your daughter, but I think if you've already told him once and he refused to cooperate, nothing you say now would change his mind. I personally feel that if you told him once and he still refuses, and neither he nor his girlfriends are hurting your DD, let it go.

So many SMs and GF's and Bio Dads have heard the phrase 'i don't want our child to get attached to your latest squeeze and then you guys break up' line designed to push them out of the child's life that we're sort of immune to it. I know that's not your intention but anymore pushing and it can be misconstrued that way.

Truth is, none of us can control what another adult chooses or does not choose to do. Only the law can, and even then it's a bit iffy. Sorry I wasn't of much help, but I think before it escalates, it's better to stop.

I just think of it as if I were in the other person's shoes and my exhusband I want nothing to do with (not sure if that's the case here) was trying tell me what to do, I wouldn't listen either. When we broke up, it meant that you are out of my life, or in it as little as you possibly can be, I have a relationship with my child, but not you. Unless I am abusing or neglecting our child, I don't even want to think about your existance. Once again, just my opinion.

mamamomo's picture

Submitted by mamamomo on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 10:19pm

okay thanks everybody I guess I should leave this one alone, sometimes I don't realize when I'm being overprotective but I guess this is one of those times.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Submitted by GizmoBarnOwl on Sat, 03/10/2012 - 3:55pm

Prehaps it might be an idea to talk to him about how he is introducing these women? I.e, is he calling them his girlfriends or daddy's new friend? I know when I first met my SKIDS (ss4 & sd6 at the time) I was daddys friend and my daughter was just a new play mate to them. They now know the situation and that we want to get married etc. I think that BM brought them a couple of books about new relationships and such. Infact I think it was her who told them that I was his girlfriend rather than his "friend". I think she did that in an attempt to get them to turn against me if I am honest. But it backfired.

But my point is, friends come and go. Kids learn that at school even, so if it hadnt worked out for what ever reason he could just say oh I dont see that friend anymore and it would be a shame, but not like they would be getting used to the idea of a step parent and then it all goes pear shaped.

Rather than asking him not to introduce them like he is, it might be more helpful to ask how he is handling it, while letting him know that you are happy hes met somebody, and hope that it works out well for him. Or even talk to him about if you think it is helpful for you to buy some books to read to her about these sorts of things?

I hope that is of use to you.