Am I letting my kids down by being with a man who doesn't care for my children
Help please..... I'm really struggling. I have 2 beautiful girls aged 12 and 10 and a beautiful step daughter aged 8. The children all get on really well, there is some resentment occasionally by my children as my step daughter rules the roost when she comes to visit. My children are normal girls, they are far from perfect but do well at school and I have very little problems with them but they do argue alot between themselves (I have a sister so now know how my parents felt!). Anyway they have never or would never fall out with their step sister and she is particularly close to my youngest. The problem isn't the girls, we are very lucky she has accepted us all the problem is my husband!! He barely says a word to my children who live with us and the house doesn't feel relaxed or happy and he dominates the house. He has known my children 4 yrs now and has never made any attempt to get to know them, he will not do anything with us unless his daughter is there, he won't sit to eat with us at teatime and never says hello or asks how there day at school has been. The pressure to have a perfect weekend everytime my stepdaughter comes is really getting me down. They have a very close relationship, bit weird to be honest, he treats her like a baby, she gets whatever she wants and he is always stroking her hair or legs and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I resent him for being so distant to my children and feel I am really letting them down by staying with him.....advice please
Yes. Nothing else to say,
Yes. Nothing else to say, really.
Even if she loved him, isn't
Even if she loved him, isn't totally ignoring her kids kind of a dealbreaker?
There's a difference between
There's a difference between putting adults first, versus being raised in an environment where someone totally ignores you, as the poster is saying. A big difference.
The answer to the title of
The answer to the title of your post is yes, you are letting them down. Your situation is quite unhealthy actually. I could never be with someone who treated my kids that way. That's why my nephew lived with MIL or us growing up, his mom was a dirtbag and his dad was married to a woman who treated my poor nephew like trash. He has no relationship w/his dad, who reaches out every chance he gets, and is now divorced from the witch. (she's the town drunk, like Barney on the Simpsons but mean and nasty). Too much water under the bridge. I also have a SF who was not nice to me, it's affected every aspect of my relationship w/ my mom. She's still married to him. We actually don't have much of a relationship at all, except for phone calls. I love her to pieces and I know she loves me but its all about him. Please think this over. Think about your future and your girls' future.
I have a similiar
I have a similiar situation...DH seems indifferent to my son and is very quick to find fault with him. He interacts a lot more with my son when SD is not around...I think DH even feels guilty about being nice to my son because he doesn't want to make his beloved princess angry or feel any less entitled. I actually talked to my son about it...he said that he doesn't think DH treats him bad and he in fact would rather DH to be the way he is than to be all over his business...lol My son actually said that DH parents him better than he does his own daughter...which in a strange way is correct. My son is raised with a completely different set of rules than my SD...I wouldn't want DH to parent him equal to the way he parents her...that is just my opinion though. I also would not want my son to endulged equally to the way my SD is...that is nonsense and teaches him no sense of responsibilty or the value of money.
DH and SD have a way too touchy feely relationship for my taste. It makes me feel very uncomfortable sometimes...SD uses affection as a manipulation tool to get what she wants. DH still sees her as a five year old and sees nothing wrong with her clingy, bizarre attraction to him at times. I refuse to be a part of it and go do my own thing if we are out, I just go to a different part of the store and tell them I will meet back up to them. If we are at home I go find something to do in another room.
Would the advice be the same
Would the advice be the same for a man whose wife doesn't like his kids?
Because if that's the case, then many posters on here should find themselves single right quick.
OP, yes, you are letting your children down. Children deserve to have a happy childhood where they feel loved and accepted.
I only read the title of your
I only read the title of your blog, and my answer is YES.
I don't understand how you
I don't understand how you got this far? If he has never responded to your children why would you be with him. There has to be something there. He doesn't have to love them or be responsible for them, but he should at least be nice and have some sort of relationship with your children. If DH hadn't been so open with my son when we were dating, I never would have continued.
I think you know the answer to your own question. Have you told him this? He has to change or the situation will just get worse as these girls become teenagers...I would seriously consider whether this is something you want for your life and your children.
Yes my advice would be the same if it was a man asking the question.
I think you are letting your
I think you are letting your kids down.
No matter how much you may love someone,you don't allow them to hurt your kids.
As a mom I can't force a man to like my kid. A man can't force me to remain in a relationship with him if he doesn't
Would the advice be the same
Would the advice be the same for a man whose wife doesn't like his kids? I agree. Isn't he just disengaging? that is what many of us step moms do! Why is it different for a step dad? Don't want to start an argument, but would like some input from others on this.
Yes, you are. Not to get on
Yes, you are. Not to get on my soapbox or anything but, my own mother married a man who did not like me. I spent a good deal of my childhood feeling unwelcome. Fast forward to today....have not seen or spoken to my mother in 22 years. She has never seen her grandchildren. She married him anyway, knowing how he felt about me. She tolerated his negative behavior toward me. I guess she thought he would end up being worth it. They have been divorced since about '91 or '92.
I'm not saying your girls will do this to you, but it is a very possible outcome.
"I fully understand and
"I fully understand and support disengaging when the relationship between child and stepparent is a toxic one. But if he's never had issues with your kids and has ALWAYS ignored them?"
For those of you wondering if it would be the same advice given to a man as it is to the Op, I think Echo's post above says it all. Most SM's on this site have disengaged because the relationship with their skids is TOXIC. From what this mother is saying, is that the relationship between her kids and SF isn't toxic, SF just chooses to ignore them. There is a big difference.