big blowout
Bright and early this morning DH and I had a bad arguement about skid and me and my BD's. I hear constantly that I get on to SS5 way more than I get on to BD5 and BD7 that I treat him different, "I let my kids walk all over me and the second he does something wrong I jump all over him" well I really don't see how this is possible because SS stays in his room the second he gets home from school in order to avoid whatever contageous disease I have that he doesnt want to catch. We kept going in circles about how he thinks I treat his son when I know SS avoids me and I have somewhat disengaged I barely discipline him unless it is over the top I wait till DH gets home from work and let SS tell his dad what happened. I feel like he's telling me I misstreat SS, So I said if I misstreat him you need to get him the "f" out of my house. Well it went downhill from there, I don't try hard enough to bond with SS. We have been together over 3yrs and this kid hates me even though I have done more to raise him than either of his parents have. I told DH there was no point in trying to build a connection which made him even more mad and I told him I don't want to fight about this for the rest of our lives... I think we have come to a breaking point, I love my husband but I really don't want to be responsible for this child anymore. DH says he cannot be with someone that cannot accept his son I am supposed to treat him as if he is mine. Advice anyone?
^^^ THIS. Tell him to show
^^^
THIS. Tell him to show you the concrete examples and let the prick know it's a two way street. A child should be raised to respect an adult and an adult can't force a bond if there's no reciprocation.
If you really care about him, ask him what crawled up his butt this morning as it seems like there is something else that bothers him. I doubt he ever thought you were going to go that far so he backpedaled.
he says that I get on to SS
he says that I get on to SS for every little thing he does and I don't get on to BD's as much, I let them get away with more
no he cant, his son gets in
no he cant, his son gets in trouble for doing things that I consider to be more serious ex: ignoring adults when they have told him something, he threw himself on the floor and threw a fit with my mom, using the bathroom on himself and wearing it around the house until I notice he smells like pee. My girls do things like take a long time to clean their room, forget clothes on the bathroom floor, play around at bedtime
Exactly! Mine does, did, will
Exactly! Mine does, did, will do again the very same thing. As long as you point out what he does wrong, the man will defend his son regardless. Let the kid do whatever he wants. Let him become so rotten that even his father can't stand to be in the same room with him. One day, the guy will wake up and think my kid's a brat. He may even say it out loud. It works. Takes tons of patience, but well worth it.
Tell him if he doesnt like
Tell him if he doesnt like what you do, do it all himself. EVERY BIT OF IT!
Might be a combination of him
Might be a combination of him misplacing his guilt over his son not having a biomom in his life, and a different perception on what behaviors are serious issues.
A lot of what my skids do, I see differently than Dh. I see them as big issues that need to be dealt with, and he calls them "minor infractions". SD having to be told three times in ten minutes to tie her shoes, and then still not being tied and she decided to stop in the middle of a parking lot to retie them. I see it as 1. Her not following a direct request to tie her shoes three times and 2. a safety issue for her to be squatting down in the middle of a parking lot and possible getting hit (since she just did it without saying anything and we all had kept walking). He saw it as no big deal, don't even mention of, so I'm "picking on her" by saying something.
My oldest DD is no angel, and
My oldest DD is no angel, and no kid is perfect but my DH always complains and gets in arguements with her about her attitude but recently since his own daughter shows him no respect at all, I told him that if he cant get his own child to respect him why should he expect mine too. They ALL should respect ALL of us but my DD told me that her problem with him is that he doesnt treat them the same. He lets his daughter do whatever she wants and always has but she can do the least little thing and he blows up on her. He says its becasue he expects more from her. It shouldnt be that way at all. He should expect the same from both of them they are only 1 yr apart in age. Its like he is in a "nowake zone" with his and wide open on the lake with mine. But since I told him that things have gotten better and he seems less tolerant of his own daughter's actions. I think it is only temporary though because this is not the first time we have been through this.
LOTS of good thoughts
LOTS of good thoughts already. I'd like to add that it may be, "this kid hates me even though I have done more to raise him than either of his parents have." Raising a kid requires discipline, which makes you the "bad guy." The sm should never be the "main bad guy." It can be seen two ways by the child: 1)SM is mean, or 2)Daddy doesn't care enough to make me be good, poor me.
Take a serious look at how you are disciplining all children. But also remind dh that you will NEVER have a bond with ss like you do your bd's. If he doesn't lower his expectations, this will be a constant fight. We only get upset when our expectations aren't met!
Thanks to everyone for the
Thanks to everyone for the help! You guys are the best
so glad I found this site!
You are not alone! I'm
You are not alone! I'm relatively new to this site and LOVE reading all the comments. I would have him start keeping track of everytime he thinks you're being too hard on his kids. The next time my fiance says that crap to me, that's what I'm going to say. If it's really that bad then make a list. I get the whole nothing my SS ever does is right but my kids get away with everything. I think not. It's obviously perception because I don't think he'd just say that to say it. I think he lets his son get away with alot...it's not my fault he doesn't know how to behave!!!! But I think it might be beneficial to have in black and white on paper.