College Funds for bios only?
Would it be wrong of me to start college funds for my (soon to be) 2 bio sons, but not for the stepkids? My Dh would def take serious issue with this, so if I do it, it will be without telling him and without any contributions from him.
Skids live with us fulltime, biomoms are completely MIA. They don't pay their court ordred child support, so I know they will be of no assistance to the skids when the time comes to pay for college. My Dh is HORRIBLE at saving money, or planning ahead, so I can pretty confidently say that he will be of no assistance to them either. I mentioned saving for college for ss back when we first got together and he totally blew me off. Stating that his brother got his schooling for free by being a minority and signing up for the military, so there's no need..... That he will just apply for minority scholarships.
I can't take that stance with my own kids (dh is their father), but if I tell him I am going to be putting money away it will be world war three if I don't include all the kids. I don't make nearly enough to make a meaningful contribution to all 4 kids by myself. And I feel I shouldn't have to, if neither bio parent is contributing either. And his kids are older, so any balance I manage to save will be decimated by the time my kids are ready for college (that is if Dh doesn't raid it first).
1. Am I wrong to only save for my bio sons, and leave out the skids?
2. Am I wrong for doing it behind my she back?
3. Any reccomendations on what type of account to set up, keeping in mind that it needs to be invisible to Dh?
4. How much should I try to put away each month?
My question is is your
My question is is your finances combined. If so, then it has to be for all the kids. If not, your BK's college fund is totally up to you. The amount you do is up to you and depends on how many years until they go off to college...I have two for mine and DH has nothing for his. That said his kids have to live at home while they go to school or figure out how to pay the difference. Mine has to get scholarships to pay the difference. Our state pays 80$ of the tuition if they are 3.5 or above...Only the tuition.
Our financed are not
Our financed are not combined..... But sort of. We each have the bills that we are expected to pay, and we each have our own bank accounts. But I can see his account when I log in to do my banking, as my name is a joint on his account. My account is solely in my name, but he logs in as me frequently. So funds are frequently transferred between us, at the click of a mouse. But basically, any money left over from my check is mine to spend, and any left over after his bills is his to spend. But there's an understanding that if anyone is short, that the other will do what it takes to help cover (generally me covering how financial goof ups).
No I dont think you should
No I dont think you should have to set up college funds for your skids, why should you? You arent their BM!
You support them now so are doing more than enough impo. Sounds like DH has the opportunity to set up saving vehicles for his children but is refusing to, thats his decision. So why then should you be forced to forfeit your own kids future just because your DH hasnt got the gumption to do this for his own?!
Personally, I would suggest he sets up ones for his children and you do so for your joint kids. Win win. Besides which say you both have money left over, but you dont feel it fair if you have to pay for all the children considering DH has already said his opinion on this idea previously. If he refuses still, then thats up to him and you have given him the heads up what you are doing - so there can be no moaning/blackmailing over this at a later stage. If the skids do mention this once all the children reach college age, then you can inform them of their father's decisions and actually this is one time where you legitimately can hide behind the assertation that you are "only the stepmother. He is your dad, so it was up to him and didn't feel it was necessary. You need to ask him about that..."
If he kicks up a fuss, point out why should YOU (the SM and non parent) have to stump up cash for something a) DH didnt seem necessary x months/years ago when YOU suggested it for the skids (BM nor DH had even enough foresight to think about the skids future unlike you) b) BM's nor DH refuse to contribute to? If he feels so strongly about it, then he knows what he needs to do - no way in hell would I allow my husband to throw the parenting batton onto me for children who arent mine and whose parents wont cough up the cash for!! Talk about hypercritical!!
He’s the father of four
He’s the father of four children he should be contributing to the education of these children, if he cannot contribute to their education then it is up to you to do so for your children, paying for college education for your husbands’ children is not your responsibility, it is his.
I have two kids DH has two kids… he’s given bonds to my kids as birthday presents which have gone toward their savings for college, but their college education is my responsibility… he paid for his two kids, I pay my kids… (older DD only went to community college one year, and then went out into the working world, so she got the rest of that money deposited into an account for her to start her life with)
Couple of ideas... Do your
Couple of ideas...
Do your parents or other relatives give gifts at Xmas or birthday? Ask the the gifts be $$ for college account. My parents did this for my bios. The account was set up in my name and I would then add to it when I had extra money. DH couldn't really have a problem with that, could he?
Open account at a different bank so he doesn't know about it. I would have no problem doing this especially if DH has trouble saving $$.
If you choose to let DH know about the account, he doesn't have to know where the $$ comes from. Tell him it is birthday, Xmas, good report card $$ from grandma, Great Aunt Bertha or whoever. He doesn't need to know that you also add to the account regularly.
Lastly, do not feel bad about saving for your bios future. Skids' parents have the same opportunity. If they waste the opportunity it is their business. Just as it is yours to make sure your do not waste your kids.
Honestly, Dh would take
Honestly, Dh would take serious issue to all of the suggestions made so far. Even hinting at the truthful fact that I am not their biological parent will cause bad blood in our house for weeks. He's ubber hyper sensitive about anything that could be construed as me showing favoritism to my bios over my steps. So even saying that ill contribute to bio kids accounts and he can contribute to skids will be WWIII, because its me doing for mine and not his. Even telling him that its money from grandma or and aunt will cause issue. Either he will be pissed that someone isnt treating all the kids equal, or he sil expect us (me) to contribute and equal amount for his kids. But everyone in my family treats them all equal, so that would mean that skids get to spend their money, while biokids have theirs put away. And even telling my mom, grandma, aunt ect that I have accounts set up for the boys, the first questions will be and what about ss and sd?
But I've come to the realization that anything financial I am on my own. Dh is very instant gratification with his money. its all spent on him, either going out to eat, or electrolics, or comics. He will spend every cent he makes each paycheck. I used to have a savings account, but it got raided so much (either by me to cover bills he didn't have the money to pay, or by him seeing I had money and deciding he needed it) that I just closed it about a year ago as the balance was always 0, no matter howhard I worked at saving.
Bs is 2.5, (second son is still baking and due to arrive in May) and I have really been thinking about this since bs was born. The only way for this to work is for Dh not to know. I'll accept the fall out in 15 yrs when the kids are looking at colleges.
Do the 529 accounts...He
Do the 529 accounts...He doesn't need to see it at all. It is not declared on your taxes...I have one for mine. If I could do it over I would put away as much as I could since college is next year for me and now he wants to go to medical school...
Would that be a seperate
Would that be a seperate account for each child, in their name? Or just college fund that I dump money into and distribute as I see fit?
They are in each child's
They are in each child's name...The funds can only be withdrawn for school expenses and some other things. They can be transferred to another child, but I would have one for each and throw a hundred bucks in a month now and you will have a nice amount when they do go off to college.
Save and in 15 years when it
Save and in 15 years when it is time to pay for college, tell him a distant relative died and left the $$ BSs' college.
Or better let him think the boys have taken out loans, so he feels no entitlement to the money.
Some people just can't save $$ no matter what the reason. You are all better off with him not knowing anything about it.
I won't pay a dime for SD15's
I won't pay a dime for SD15's college and I'll be pissed if DH gives her any money for college after how big of a brat she has been. Her BM had her parental rights taken away, so there isn't another bioparent to pay for college, but she is the most hateful, direspectful little bitch in the entire world. My DS is a year and a half younger than her, so there's no money to waste on sending her to college when we will need to be saving up for DS's college fund.
SD15 has said she wants to go to a every expensive community college program (that seems like it should be an oxymoron) that will lead to a low paying job and there's no way any of our money is going towards that. She can get a job and pay for it herself.
I agree with J's mom. I
I agree with J's mom. I setup a 529 for my DS when he was born. There are great advanges to these accounts, I would look them up. DH does know about my sons but luckily in my case DH and I both agreed we won't be helping with college due to - the very high amount of CS we (he) pays, we offered to match BM penny for penny for anything set aside for college just be be told no, and honestly SS's...not very intelligent or likely to attend college. My DH's works for a major university however so we are very furtunate that they cover 50% of any dependents college tuition at that univery, of course...
So, saving for DS
No savings for SS
All children will be covered 50% as long as they choose the school of our choice. If they think that little of the money then I don't care to help them anyway.
Get the 529, never tell him.
Get the 529, never tell him. Secretly pay the schools when the kids are ready for school. I would NEVER tell him, even when it's time to use it. How do you think he'll react about being lied to for 18 years? Just keep your trap shut about it. I'm sure you'll be handling all the college/student loan/FAFSA stuff with them anyway.
But seriously, it's really unfair that your husband doesn't want to save anything for college, but if you want to, he expects you to do it for his kids too. Annoying.
Look into online banks like
Look into online banks like ING.
I'd love to know more about his brother's scholarship. No one hands out money based on just race. If he thinks race alone will get his kids money for college he's in for a rude awaking.
sd19 thought she was gonna
sd19 thought she was gonna get a free ride because she's 1/4 mexican. it didn't happen. it can for some people, i think indians and some races that are really minorities in america can get some help, but it isn't guaranteed.
100% agree with this!
100% agree with this!
Lauren, you said a mouthfull!
Lauren, you said a mouthfull!
Ok, that 529 sounds like what
Ok, that 529 sounds like what I need. Can I get one for the unborn baby now, or do I need to wait till he arrives and has a ss number, does anyone know?
I hate that this is how thongs have become. That I have to sneak around to be a responsible parent. He's like this about everything. Completely ok doing nothing himself, but if I choose to do anything it had better be for all the kids. Wanted to put bs in swim lessons last summer, and the first thing out of how mouth when I said I found a place that would give swim lessons for someone as young as bioson was "yeah, and what about ss and sd?" I was planning on taking them all already (third year for swim lessons for skids, and they still couldn't swim) but it was the instant implication that I was favoring bs. And even with that want for them to take swim lessons too, he didn't pay a dime for any of the kids. Had I not mentioned it, he'd never have taken the initiative or the financial cost to get them swim lessons, but if bio son is getting it, then I NEED to do for them too. It's bank rupting me, financing all of the extras for all of the kids. So its either I have to do nothing and let bs miss out, or I have to start doing things behind Dhs back.
I think you need a SS #. I
I think you need a SS #. I am sure I had to for my son. Check the 529 and make sure it can be used if he decides to go to ano out of state school. Ours has to be in our state. That is why I have two accounts...I also have an insurance policy that you could look into if they still offer it. It is a insurance policy referred to as a jumping juvenile and it will allow my son to take the funds I have been putting in since he was 6 to use for college...The idea is to add more than the policy amount and it accrues and they can cash it out for college with not penalties. They may not be offered anymore, but it would be another way to hide an account from your husband.
I did all this and just never told my first husband, because he couldn't save a dime....
Hmmm, ill have to do some
Hmmm, ill have to do some research on this then. I don't know if ill stay in this state long term. I've been wanting to move back home for years now, and the economy is the only thing keeping us here for now. And if things ever didn't work out with Dh, is be moving back home for sure. So is hate to have all that money tied to a school half way across the country.....
Here's the thing. Seriously,
Here's the thing. Seriously, if you live a lie with your husband, you can kiss goodbye ANY CHANCE IN HELL of your marriage ever truly working out.
All you really have to do is this. Tell him you want to start funds for ALL THE KIDS. You can also inform him that it's a 50/50 split on contributions. If he comes up with some pathetic reason why HE shouldn't have to contribute, then you should inform him that he's irresponsible and that YOUR kids shouldn't have to suffer. Pose this...if I met you and had two kids, and had the attitude that I wasn't interested in their college fund, would you honestly sit here and tell me that YOU WOULD??? You won't even pay for your own kids now!!!! Jeez buddy, wake up!
If dh isn't concerned about
If dh isn't concerned about his kids w/ bm college funds, then I wouldn't be either. Set them up for your kids, and when/if he finds out, let him deal with it. You don't have to hide it from him or tell him. Just do it and forget about it.
I pretty much agree w/this.
I pretty much agree w/this. I highly doubt my skids will go to college, so it's not something we have to worry about here, but if so, I'd just go ahead and do it for my bios and let him worry about his kids.
Your DH is not being
Your DH is not being realistic. Why would a mother NOT favor her own children over her man's ex wife's? He needs to GROW UP. You are under no obligation to send the skids to college.
I think it's a shame that
I think it's a shame that your DH doesn't see importance of saving for college.
I personally though, wouldn't save for the skids. They aren't your responsibility. I always make it clear with my FDH that my contribution to SS financially is minimal..doesn't go any further than occasionally buying him gifts and food. I've actually said to him a few times that this is exactly why I haven't had a child of my own yet..can't afford to provide them with the best just yet, so if I'm paying a lot out for a child I may as well have my own! And I realise, that may sound selfish!
I would tell FDH to get stuffed if he took issue with this..in fact I'm going to go and ask his opinion on the subject now!!