Update on my situation. Everything I told my husband would happen, has happened.
I have a previous long post explaining my situation. After posting my situation last weekend for the first time because my husband and I had one of our numerous huge fights in regards to his 20 year old son.. My husband never believes me about anything and does nothing to discipline his son & all of his sons rules he had to abide by, were thrown out the door two months after he moved back into our house.
Well its been exactly 6 months since his son came back, last Tuesday I wake up to go to work and its 4:30am I see SS lights on in his room and I think to myself OK, what is up with that? Well dad leaves around 6 and his lights are still on, my SS is supposed to leave or usually leaves about 6:30 for work, my daughter and I both wait for him to leave in the morning before either one of us goes downstairs in our house (we both avoid him at all costs). Its about 6:40am and I come out of my room and see my daughter at the top of the stairs, my SS light is out, but his work boots are at the front door, I go look out the driveway and our truck is still there.. I pretty much went about my business and ignored what was going on.
I bring my daughter to school and then drive my hour to work (i work with my husband, he has his own business) as soon as I pull up he asks me if I have seen his son, my husband already has an attitude towards me, I tell him what I know and I ask him what is going on? He says to me I just want to make sure my kid is not dead, I was like WHAT? Then he tells me that his sons job called him and wanted to know why his son was not at work, that he did not call or anything and he has never done anything like this before.. Well my husband calls and texts all day and his son never responds. My daughter gets home and I ask her if my SS is still there she tells me yes and that he never let our dogs out. So I tell my husband this and then I look at his cell phone records and I can see that he has been talking/texting to his girlfriend and friends..But he can't answer his father. His father is fine with that as long as he knows he's alive. I asked my husband why would you say that? (my husband and I fight over his son doing drugs and my husband has been denying it) He tells me I know my son has a drug problem...I am like WOW, that's new information! I later find out that my SS was not even sick, he just did not feel like going into work... didn't call them, nothing. (he did the same thing in when he moved back in with us his senior year of high school, he missed 19 days and his father excused them all)
So anyway I drive home my long hour drive from my job, I am pulling into a street into our neighborhood, I am taking a right and the next thing I know this truck that looks a lot like ours (it was dark) has crossed the yellow line into my lane, if I had not swerved while I was turning, this truck would have smashed the left front of my car. At this point I am pretty sure it was my SS. I get home and see the truck is gone, I call my husband and tell him, your son just almost hit my car, I explain where it was and when it happened, my husband tells me he was on the phone with my SS at the time and hes so sorry that his son almost hit me. So SS just takes off, tells his father his is going to his girlfriends house (another lie) spends the night out where ever that was, does not call his father to let him know anything, then he shows up at 6:15 the next morning and almost hits his father who is leaving for work in our driveway..
My husband did nothing about his son not going to work, leaving with our vehicle and not telling anyone anything, almost hitting me head on. He did nothing.
Friday morning I get to work after my hour drive and my husband is on his cell phone pissed off about something, I ask him whats going on, he tells me that his son's work let him off because it was too muddy to work and that he has smashed the truck into a telephone pole..yes my SS was fine, I knew this because he was talking to him and I was glad he was OK. He totaled our truck, that was one of our mortgage payments, that we just bought less than 7 months ago. My husband told me when we bought the truck it was not for his son and his son was not going to use it, that he was going to give him an older car that we have...All the lies..It just blows my mind.
That that was my week...
Oh my, I am so sorry. What a
Oh my, I am so sorry. What a nightmare! It's not until they all fall flat on their face that these men wake up and realize what losers they have raised. Geez...Please take care of yourself and you daughter. Let the others fend for themselves.
I so agree with you! Protect
I so agree with you! Protect yourself as you love your husband. Wow! You really do have alot of stress in your daily life don't you? Your DH is in total denial and is making you the scapegoat for it all it seems. And your new truck....oh man, that would just be the tip of the iceberg!Good luck!!!
He has already stolen
He has already stolen prescription pain killers from me numerous times. That was a couple of years ago and then I bought a bunch of lock boxes, much to my husband's dismay at the time. He has gone though our entire basement looking for stuff to pawn, he has stolen cigarettes and money from me. That was a couple of years ago, and then he moved in with my husband's mother stole money and her belongings, along with other people who are close to our family he stole a couple of thousands of dollars worth of power tools. He pawned everything, never got into any trouble because he went into a 3 week rehab for heroin -he had nowhere to go- his father would not let him back into home until he got better, so no one pressed any charges on him because he had a problem and they felt sorry for him. That was little less then a year ago, now 6 months later after he moved back into our house all of this is happening again and worse.
Dad is an ENABLER, and by
Dad is an ENABLER, and by association, so are you, every time you don't call the police when you see him drive away obviously under the influence in YOUR TRUCK, you are enabling him to continue doing it.
My wife's (to be) sister is in this exact situation. They have a SS19 in the house with a Heroin and STUPIDITY problem. He has stolen his fathers entire coin collection and pawned it for pennies on the dollar. He went in and stole all her jewelry and pawned that. He is a master of guilt and lashes out at everyone in the family if anyone has the audacity to confront him about his actions.
No one will actually call the police. Dad says he doesn't want him to have the burden of a criminal record if and when he ever gets clean, what a crock of CRAP that is. Dad even still pays his car payments and drives to give him gas money.
I have an unfortunately intimate knowledge and experience with drugs and Heroin in particular so I am fairly sure the kid is dealing it now and does so out of their house. I have told them several times that if they let this continue they are taking a legal risk with everything they own AND their house by letting him stay there. If he gets arrested, and he is storing drugs in the family home, the police can charge EVERYONE IN THE HOME with accessory and conspiracy to distribute, leaving the PARENTS having to spend THOUSANDS to prove their innocence. Prosecutors do this even if they know the family is not directly involved because it puts additional pressure on the actual criminal to get them to take a plea bargain ("Come on your parents are going down for what YOU did, plead guilty and we will let them go"), plus if they get to charge you, and at worst case, take your home and assets, they auction that and it looks good at the end of the year when they created the income. It's BAD but that is really how it works. If you knowingly harbor a junkie and/or dealer, you are at risk of getting charged for almost everything he does.
Like they say in the show Intervention, "No one every gets better because you 'Love them better', they get better when they are forced to face the results of their own decisions."
What if your SS had killed someone while in the truck registered and insured by YOU? Who do you think is going to pay for HIS mistakes?
You need to protect yourself, physically and financially ASAP.
Also order this book and read it then give it to your husband, it's a fast read and VITAL info for this kind of situation.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0736921354/ref=pe_175190_21431760_cs_sce_dp_1
I forgot to add, I know
I forgot to add, I know exactly how my 20 year old SS acts in these situations, been through this cycle numerous times now. My 20 SS has not given his father the time of day the last 4 months, hes either not here or he is in his room with his girlfriend for hours on end.. The only time he comes out is when he knows there is food or he is hungry and wants his father to either buy him something or cook him something..then he will eat and go directly back to his room. He seems to avoid his father just as much as I try to avoid him, and I have my own room where I go and watch TV, get on the computer, etc. Its not like I am in the living room with his father, he can go in there when ever he wants to, but he doesn't.
My SS for the last 4 months has not put away his and his girlfriends dirty dishes in the dishwasher, (one time, because I will not touch them they were in the sink for 2 weeks until his father but them in the dishwasher) has not brought out the trash, he continues to put stuff in the kitchen trash can until its falling on the floor & then his father brings it out. Well guess what? When I left for work yesterday morning, there was a sink full of my SS dirty dishes that had been there all week long and the trash can was overflowing with trash. When I got home from work last night, it was absolutely no surprise to me to see that my SS had finally after almost a week put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher and emptied the kitchen trash can.. Does this kid not know that you can see right through him? He has been blatantly disrespecting me, my daughter, our home & our vehicles. He did not give a crap until he got into big time trouble with his father. Now he will be latched onto his fathers side until he gets what he wants, the complete opposite to his ignoring his father when he had what he wanted. All for the cycle to be repeated again. Thanks for letting me vent!
Just an idea.. A. Any dishes
Just an idea..
A. Any dishes you touch, go into a box in the garage after going through the dishwasher. When you get down to one set of dishes between you and your husband, those go into your room to be stored until needed, leaving literally nothing for SS/SD to use to MAKE dirty. If they complain, tell them they should go buy something to eat on.
B. Every dirty dish he creates and doesn't take care of, goes on his bed. If he brings them out and puts them in the sink, they go back on his bed. Ad nauseum. Any mess, including garbage that he leaves out, goes onto his bed.
I did
to my SD19 and she eventually begged us to put some dishes back into the cupboards and now washes stuff when she uses them BEFORE walking away.
My mom did (B) to me as a teenager and my room stunk so bad between teenager laundry and the garbage and food I could not stand it and eventually broke and cleaned up my own stuff.
Dh needs to give SS a good
Dh needs to give SS a good dose of tough love. He is enabling. SS will never change if he is allowed to get away with this behavior. Not sure how to get DH on board with this. I have people in my family that put blinders on everytime their kids acted up. I'd put him out. I say that now but my SS is only 7yrs. and I know I would have a hard time doing that because SS is my DH only child and DH would fight me tooth and nail. Get DH a co-dependent book.
Thank you very much for the
Thank you very much for the information, I will try to find what you are talking about it, I did not know that books like that even existed! I do read all the time, but its fiction. I will have to read it myself because my DH would have no parts of reading a book especially one with a title like that! That would be for him admitting there was a problem!
Ok, you have my
Ok, you have my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That his father would say
That his father would say just worried if his son is alive! OMG, you have my life! Doesn't it make you sick as hell! Ignoring calls, arrogance, indifference to others. I hate your step son. I have on exactly like him and I hate them both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Spending endless hours
Spending endless hours playing Sherlock Holmes in order to convince yourself that you're not crazy...that this kid really is the loser that you speak of...that his father is class one enabler whose in sick denial? Yah, been there done that. Nothing ever changes ever, ever, ever. Until you say the horrible words, "Me or Him." Take your pick dumbass.
This man you're married to will go to his grave insisting that his son is somehow good. He will contort every situation to manufacture a truth that shed good light on this kid. He will not stop.The more you try to expose, the more he will cover. He needs for that boy to be "good" in order to be good himself. I finally told my husband, "You are not your son. He is responsible for his own actions. It is a reflection on you only as long as you continue to enable him." I have been down this road for so long, I feel like I can feel you blood pressure. It sucks.
On one hand it makes me feel
On one hand it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one going through this stuff. But on the other hand its hurts to hear that so many other good people, who had such good intentions & so much to give in the beginning of their relationships with their husbands or wives and their step-children end up in these situations and feel like they are in a living nightmare. You are right I have done everything to prove that I am not the one who is crazy, and I have found that every time I expose his son the more he covers for him, and moves further away from me. I just have to back off. I know because he will never listen to me, even after being together for 12 years he does not listen. The only thing I can do is wait, until my daughter graduates which is just a few months away. I need to let her figure out what she is going to do with her life, when that happens I will confront my husband and ask him, how long is your son going to live with us? (right now I am not getting an answer, his son blows every penny of his money, on what I don't know, but I do know his son has no plans of leaving our home anytime soon and has zero goals for his future) If my husband can not answer me at that time, its time for me to go. But unfortunately I have put myself in a position that I can not just up and leave with my daughter. I don't want to upset her before she is going to graduate, she is already emotionally upset and disturbed by everything we have gone though the last 4 or more years with my husband and his children. So just like your user name, I have to put duct tape on my mouth until its time for me to take it off. I am so sorry you are going through the same thing as me. It really felt like I was the only person in the world that could feel this much pain, hurt and disappointment.
The toll it must be taking on
The toll it must be taking on your health, nerves and relationship in amazing. I am so sorry!
I actually forgot to put that
I actually forgot to put that in there, that was one of the rules when he came back (again). Rule #4 go to your meetings. Oh yeah, I pointed that out to his father, that he was not going, wasn't he supposed to be going everyday to his meetings? I would get the "look" from my husband, I am tired I worked all day, don't start in on me... WTH? And believe me, I knew 3 weeks was not going to cut it, I completely freaked out when I heard he was getting out, I asked my husband, is that enough time to get over heroin? I mean I have never had that problem myself, but I have read about it and it is not easy to get over.. I am pretty much positive he is doing it again, he brings home over 400.00 per week, pays zero bills in the house, is not paying off his medical bills from his 3 week rehab stay, and he's always broke... Get this, I overheard his father talking to someone yesterday about his son totaling the truck. I guess the person on line asked does his son have any money to pay for what he has done to our vehicle, my husband's response to my SS being broke, was, he spends it all on his girlfriend and food!!! My SS eats all of our food and has a running list on our chalkboard about what he wants from the grocery store..And as far as I can tell, he takes his girlfriend NOWHERE..They are in our house hours on end..Saturday & Sunday morning she shows up here at 9am and does not leave until after 6pm.. (my husband buys them take out food) I literally almost fell over in my chair when I heard him say that..
I can not believe the stories I am hearing from people on here,, I am so sorry about what you have been put though..
I honestly am waiting for my
I honestly am waiting for my SS to take a check or two from our business. I have had to go through all of our business checks from the beginning...April 2011 till December and it was all a mess because I had no idea what i was doing, I have mentioned to my husband we have checks missing, he does not seem at all, I am waiting and have been watching for those checks to go through.
If he is using Heroin... His
If he is using Heroin...
His money is going into his and his GFs arm or lungs if they smoke it.
Are you finding little baggies with black greasy stuff in them? Dirty needles?
Does he sleep long hours at weird times? Go long times without eating anything then wake up and eat like he was starving?
Does he sometimes appear like he is very sleepy and having trouble staying awake or keeping his head up?
Always wear long sleeves or keeps his arms crossed all the time if he is wearing short sleeves, maybe weird tattoos in the crooks of his arms.
Does he claim to be "sick" often or go to the bathroom to vomit?
Does he leave for short periods of time and come back and go straight into his room?
Any of the above and of course the theft of your valuables are very good indicators of a drug habit.
If your husband keeps enabling him he will be burying him soon. There are no OLD Heroin addicts, you use heroin until you either get clean, or die.
You know jenlou, as hard as
You know jenlou, as hard as it sounds you have to look away. Let this guy and his son rot together until one day he can see the truth. That's what I had to do. I had to disallow it to affect my life as much as possible. Jeez, I barely lasted three years before I had to put it down. I walked out and had demands, it's the only way. The longer you wait, the more life you waste on this punk who doesn't deserve it.
I've also learned that the more you find wrong with this kid, the more his father will make excuses, cover, enable. It's an identity problem with the dad. My son is a failure therefore I am too. He may not ever get over it. But, one thing for sure, if you don't let him feel the consequences on his own without your input, it will only get worse. Take it from someone who actually broke the cycle. Yah, I'm still bitter as hell, but I stopped it. One day, after keeping out of it, my husband complained about his son. Break through moment. I said, "well I suggest you keep your mouth shut and follow through with action" and ended it there. For now, it's you and the world against him and his son. He feels like his son has no allies. If you back off the team, things will change.
Your husband is enabling him.
Your husband is enabling him. You both need to sit down and come up with a timeline for him to get out, get his own place and be an adult. If drugs are the problem then maybe an intervention/ultimatum with the strings attached that "You either clean up or get out." Does he pay rent or buy his own food?
I can tell you one thing, i feel your pain. It took my husband years to "get it" He literally had to be screwed over by his middle son before he began to see the light. They keep thinking that just this once or maybe he will straighten up if i help him with (fill in the blank) and it just becomes a cycle of putting a band-aid on a huge gaping wound. After awhile all you become to that person is a wallet, nothing more. It is a lose lose situation, trust me!
Good luck
There is something very WRONG
There is something very WRONG with that age group. My SS 23 is NO BETTER! Word of caution to those with small skids.....it does NOT improve.
Your husband's enabling will
Your husband's enabling will probably kill his son. I wouldn't confront him anymore about how bad the son is. I'd probably just keep saying i'm sorry you want to kill your own son. "Your son deserves better - so sad he doesn't have a dad who loves him enough to help him."
Your DH is helping to kill his son.
Well I agree with everyone
Well I agree with everyone else that your dh is an enabler. However, theres usually a "reason" for enabling someone. I'm not saying theres an EXCUSE but certainly a reason. Guilt. Shame. Something. Until your dh works that out on his own, you're going to keep living this way. Forget trying to fix SS20, it's not going to happen until dh changes the way he deals with him.
I couldn't imagine living everyday that way. Scary. Sad. Heartbreaking. Unfair. Im so sorry for you!