I'm not allowed to disengage???
So my SD13 is at a home for kids with behavioral problems. she lives there and comes home for visits A LOT. We've had setbacks with her continued dishonesty but DH and I are learning and getting help. We were told by staff last night after counseling session that I'm not allowed to be the copilot. I said "oh really? That's what I'm doing so you guys need to be supportive of that." They don't seem to agree that that is acceptable. WTF? I'm not her mom. They said "Then she doesn't have a mom? You have to be." No I don't. I tried and we all resent each other for having such unreasonable expectations. My opinion is that her dad needs to step up and do the parenting and I will be supportive of him and be there for her when neccesary. DH agrees and he has been stepping up and of course SD is pissed that the manipulating isn't working anymore. What do you guys think???
They don't understand what it
They don't understand what it means to be a stepmom. Don't listen to them.
I agree, they don't
I agree, they don't understand what it means to be a stepmom. You're not her mother. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing, which is supporting your husband. If you want to do more, I think that is fine, but it's not your responsibility.
You don't have to be SD's mom
You don't have to be SD's mom and it's wrong of anyone to insinuate that you should try to be. I know someone on this site recently gave it back good to one of her SS's teachers, and I remember when Debra did the same thing with one of her own son's teachers on "Everyone Loves Raymond." Maybe that sort of thing is in store.
SD will probably be ticked that the manipulating won't work anymore. Quite possibly, she'll be ticked off for a long time. However, she'll get tired of being ticked off, and reach out to her dad. Any professional working at that home for troubled kids worth their salt will listen and empathize with her, but make her take responsibility for the crap she contributed to the situation. Hopefully those working with SD will share this philosophy, realize it's *not* your job to be this girl's mom, and work with you and DH so you can all get on the same page regarding SD.
I dont think anyone has the
I dont think anyone has the right to tell you what role you should be filling. No one would dare tell a skid to start treating their stepmother/father as their parent because you cant and shouldnt push someone into something they are not comfortable with. Its fake and morally wrong, and tbh it can cause mroe damage than good - with resentment springing up, skids feel you are pressuring them (along with you feeling that way about yourself),being told to back off when your behaviour is not deemed acceptable (when you DO act like a parent). You can end up pushing that skid away from you more and besides, you are with your DH for him - not for sd - you may have accepted a role in her life in being with DH, but I would put a complete stop to any form of negotiation or discussion on this. They have said their unwanted piece, and if they bring it up again I would quite clearly tell them they are being insulting to you, that you feel suffocated and attacked by the fact they are almost forcing their way of mind on your life - which is different from what you and your partner believe in. So you would prefer it if they just kept that opinion to themselves and respect your right to choose your own path in life and not have professionals place a label on you (and we all know how dangerous labelling people can be)!
What they are saying is that you need to be MOM without the power. Complete insanity. If you ARE going to fulfil an obligation, responsiblity then in my mind you might as well commit yourself fully to it. Why do something half heartedly when you have a firm decision?! Have been there, when whatever you do is not right - fully engaged/disengaged. So do what your heart tells you, what is right for YOU and your marriage. You dont have to sacrifice your piece of mind to fulfil the destiny these dictators are choosing - they need to direct their therapy in the right direction!
A therapist told a friend of
A therapist told a friend of mine that she was "selfish" and needed to step up in her marriage. She ended up getting a divorce and lo and behold, her husband had a 3 YO that was born during her marriage! So who was the selfish one? Nuff said. Therapists can be helpful, I've really benefited from therapy, but they're not perfect
I have a number of friends
I have a number of friends who work in the mental health field - in multiple states so it is not like they even know each other. But to a one they will tell you there are some real nut jobs out there.
What are the qualifications of these "counselors"? And not just paper credential. What real life experience do they have?
A friend who is professional with multiple degrees and licenses says that she was so bad the first few years now that she looks back on her lack of world experience.
And a comment like "you have to be her mom" is so vague that it is worthless. A real counselor might have some solid recommendations but should also accept your disagreement with them.
I've been so pissed off at
I've been so pissed off at the attitude therapists have towards stepmoms. In my case, my SD hasn't seen her mom in over 10 years, so therapists automatically assume that since I married her dad, I'm the defacto mom and need to act the same as her mom. I haven't disengaged (I refused to, since that means turning a blind eye to her behavior) but I certainly do not treat her like my child. I hate this brat and could never do that. I've had her therapists put the blame on me for SD15's bad behavior and they've had the audacity to tell me that I need to be more loving and maternal towards her. I refuse to do that, so they see me as the bad guy because I refuse to kiss her ass and ignore her disrespectful behavior.
Perhaps you need a therapist
Perhaps you need a therapist that specializes in family issues or one that is a stepmom herself
We all come with our own set of experiences and those come into play in therapy whether we like it or not. For the person whose therapist told her she was selfish-um, she should have been fired. That is completely inappropriate. Really, as a therapist, myself-I see myself as my ct's copilots-I help them consider options, look at things in ways they had not thought of before, help them make connections, and learn coping skills-I rarely tell anyone what they NEED to do-unless it is a safety issues-otherwise I make suggestions and it is everyone's God given right to determine what they NEED to do.
only you know what your
only you know what your sanity can take and what it can't. you don't have to live up to someone else's expectations of being a sm. just because someone is a therapist, psychiatrist, etc, does not mean they are always right. there are some things that you just cannot understand, even minimally, without having experienced it.
if i hadn't disengaged from sd19 3 years ago, i likely would have smacked her across the state and then left fdh. i had to do it for my sanity, my relationship, and my ability to be a good mother to my own kids. no one gets to tell you what your place in that child's life is. that is up to you and you alone.
There are Christian house
There are Christian house parents in the homes that the children live in. They are not counselors. I don't know what the counselor involved has to say about this but I plan to ask her. The house dad said it. I said that I am not going to be "bonding" with SD13 anytime soon. A lot has happened over the years that has caused a strain on our once decent relationship. 4 months ago she accused me of child abuse. It was 100% BS and she kept up with her lies for 2 months before she finally admitted it was made up. They called DFACS, etc. I have not forgiven her. She is not sorry. She says she is, but she is only sorry that she didn't get me in trouble or cause DH to leave me. I am not willing to be vulnerable right now and maybe not ever. They said I have to be. DH says he understands, he wouldn't be able to forgive easily either, and he has seen me try to have a relationship with her only to be pushed away, lied about. etc. they say that I can't be done. I'm not done, but I have to detach. There are so many resentments from me trying too hard and too much pressure for that "bond" to happen. They say it isn't personal, blah, blah, blah. It sure feels really fu*king personal!!!!!!!!!!!!!