Please take this into consideration, new and old step parents.

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Im a newbie, stumbled upon this site and read some of the posts. Reading some of the posts I notice alot of angry stepparents. I am writing this post because me, my cousin, and my husband have all had stepdads and out of all of us my husbands experience having a stepdad has been the worst. I hope people will read the situation that I am about to share so that new stepparents as well as those who are not new to being a stepparent can learn something from this and how situations can escalate to adulthood.(SN: I know these things to be true from what I have seen as well as validation from his family members)
My husband stepfather came into the picture when he was a baby and his mother had just left my husbands bio dad because he was abusive. My husband and his stepfather has never got along because he pretended to like my husband just to get with his mother.My husbands mother has had 2 kids with this man. As far as the past, he never allowed my husband to have a relationship with his mother, his family has talked about my husband badly when he was a child, and his family would take the other kids places and leave my husband. The last straw was when he kicked my husband out of the house a few weeks before he turned 18 because of an altercation that started between those two, but got worst when my husbands sister(stepdads daughter with my husbands mother) jumped into the situation to take up for her father and a fight broke out. Presently, things are still worst because my husband still cannot have a relationship with his mother. He cannot talk to her on the phone without being put on speakerphone, she can barely visit our child without her husband calling every 15mins asking when she is going to come home....I could go on and on because it is wost, but I dont want to type too much as I have already.

Bottomline is when you meet someone who has a child, if you are not willing to accept the child or bear the situation...leave. In the longrun the child is affected. Never keep someone from their children. Small children are going to act out with new stepparents, but you have to continue to love on them, try to bond with them, and dont leave them out. It does affect them when they get older. My husband has hate in his heart because he is hurting. It is alot this man has done to him. He cut my husband off from the family and kept my mother-in-law from attending our childs baby shower over a petty argument. And also please do not just deal with the kid to get the parent. At the end of the day it is the bio parents responsibility to set rules and standards when they are dating someone new. If you have to go to counseling as a family do it, if you love that child and their parent enough, but please do not let things escalate to where the children grow up and are grown dealing with the same issues. If you dont have children and do not really care for them, dont date someome who has them.

I don't think the lesson I

I don't think the lesson I got out of that is the same one you're saying. It sounds to me like mom was abused (maybe verbally instead of physically) and she stuck around with this guy for her own reasons instead of realizing what was best for her child and leaving.

I'm not saying it wasn't the stepdad's fault as well, because it was, but it sounds like a classic abuse scenario, and the reason people get into those things are deep seated psychological issues...it's not just a matter of , "whoops, didn't think this through!"

I hope your husband gets the understanding and peace he needs someday.

Yes, I was a little confused

Yes, I was a little confused by your message as well. You said that ultimately it is up to the bio parent to set the rules and standards when they are dating someone new-evidently your mother in law did not do that. Isnt she the one who ultimately failed her child? Isnt she the one with the responsibility to make sure her son is not left out and is cared for? Isnt she responsible for whether she comes and visits her grandchild?

Maybe your dh's stepdad was a real ahole. He certainly could have been-but I think your dh may have some displaced anger here-it was his mom that made this to decision to be with this man, stay with him and she was responsible for your dh-not his stepdad.

SD was/is a jerk, but BM

SD was/is a jerk, but BM isn't much better. She allowed her son to be treated like crap.
She had to know how he felt about his son. Why the heck would she stay with him?

Bottom line - "step" or

Bottom line - "step" or "in-tact" families all have problems. It's really not usually the step-parent that's the problem (and my step-mother beat the shit out of me (oh and her biological son too! Out of five, she just decided we were the two main targets) for 9 years (my dad was in the military) eventually sending me to an adolescent psychological hospital - and I shoulder responsibility on my dad as much as her). People ALL have problems. This one they just use for the people in similar situations - they happen to be step-parents.

I've seen plenty of people in my time that are in an in-tact family that have had the same issues I face - but I guess it's an easier pill for some people to swallow if they're all biologically related - which I think is crap. We're all relatd anyway. The human race.

Sounds like your MiL is a real piece of work. She's washed her hands of any responsibility she has - which is repugnant. Sounds like your husband enjoys playing the victim card - that's also repugnant.

*** I'm rather grumpy this morning.

This^^^

Well said!! Agree......it's

Well said!! Agree......it's not so much that "we" have to accept the children; I believe most of us do.......I think it's the way SK act or the way the bio parent chooses not to step up to the plate.....every story is different.

I do agree most SP are angry; and most have the right to be. I was angry for over 14 years about my situation. I am just NOW learning how to go w/ it; it takes time

**I have had SP on both sides; and both were complete AHOLES; I do not choose to be that way to my SD; but sometimes - I feel like I should.

So it seems that years later,

So it seems that years later, your husband and his family still blame the "step" for all his anger and issues as an adult, huh? Heck, I am a bio to my father and growing up he wouldn't take me to the pharmacy with him but always took my sister or brother. He treated me worse than what I hear some smoms here treat their skids. He still does! Guess what? I blame both him AND my mother...cause she stayed with this ahole who treated me like crap so she could have a nice lifestyle! But, it's my issue and not my husband's or son's...it is up to me to feel good enough about myself that i don't mess up my son's life or my husband's.

Seems to me your dh hasn't grown up and is pointing the finger at the easiest target, instead of his mom. In addition, it seems your dh was an angel at age 18 and was kicked out for being an angel. The day he stops blaming others for his behavior, ie got kicked out because sdad wanted to vs he was a pain in the a¢¢ and even MOM wanted him gone, he'll find peace instead of anger.

So it seems that years later,

Your husband is not a child.

Your husband is not a child. He is a man. If he chooses to remain a victim, that is his choice, not yours and not anyone elses. <~~~~ this!

What's the matter with your

What's the matter with your MIL that she allowed her husband to "prevent" her having a relationship with your husband? Agree with other posters on this - this was totally her responsibility. Perhaps she's the one who should have left her husband when she realised what he was like.
Agree with Echo and StepAside - not cool to come here new and start laying down the law immediately. Do you know any of us or our situations in any detail yet? I think not.

- agree

^^^THIS^^^

Plus you even mention

Plus you even mention yourself the PASing going on in your H's family of origin. If that kind of crap didn't happen, maybe our skids would be WAY better behaving and we WOULDN'T have to come to a site like this to vent.

Now that I've been lectured

Now that I've been lectured about what and how I should be and act as a stepparent I am contrite and will now do everything you say I should do because, obviously, you are a stepmother and you know what it's like.

Perhaps your DH's mother should have taken responsibility for herself and HER SON and not allowed her husband to treat HER son like shit. I'm not giving the stepdad a pass for what he did or has perceived to have done, but the MOM gets to take responsibility here.

Also, your DH is a grown up now he needs to take responsibility for his own misery.

They say there are 3 sides to

They say there are 3 sides to every story. What he said, what she said and then the truth.

Even I know that.

^^^^^ DITTO!

^^^^^
DITTO!

I totally agree with your

I totally agree with your sentiment here... it is ultimately the BM's fault.. she should have overridden the SF and maintained that relationship with her son.. she made her choice ~

Odd post from the

Odd post from the "Iwas1ncethere".

To me, it sounds like the man was controlling.. obviously. And your husband's mother put up with his controlling nature. There are a lot of loving step-parents out there. But just because of one bad step-father, doesn't make all step-parents bad. Your husband's mother could've put her foot down to her new husband but it almost sounds like if she did she would've gotten hit for standing up to him. She chose to stay and that's end of story. Even to this day she still has the ability to get close to her son again but decides not to - maybe out of fear or maybe now embarrassment.

I would never force my SO to stay away from his kids. I've actually suggested him to see his kids more! Step-parents aren't "evil", even if they don't want to be in their SK's life on a day to day basis or on weekends they're there to skip out for a few hours to hang out with friends. I'm not going to be walked all over by SK's or by BM.

You are here

Please take this into consideration, new and old step parents.