Step mom with infertility
Hi! I'm new here! I also have some internal battles I've been having as of late and I don't know what to do about it. My feelings of guilt and shame are so profound I am letting them destroy me. Here is the scoop.
I married DH knowing he had a daughter and knowing I am not the "open to other people's kids" kind of woman. (Options for men with out children where I live are VERY slim, so I had to settle at some point.)I have been open and honest with him from the beginning and he knows what kind of person I am and still chose to marry me. For me, it's a situation I tolerate.....the price of admission if you will....to be with this man. She lives out of state so it is hard for me to establish any kind of attachment for her. DH and I really want to have children of our own, but male factor infertility is preventing us from reaching that goal. Here are the feelings and internal struggles I have:
1. I feel like a very evil person for marrying someone that has a child but I'm not the warm, loving, "into other peoples kids" kind of person. I do not by any means treat SD poorly. Should I have let him go and find someone else? He accepts how I feel but I STILL feel guilty for being the way I am.
2. This new infertility thing is just killing me. Every time I see SD, it's a reminder of what I can't have. I feel resentment and anger at the fact that she exists while I can't have children of my own, angry that he can't get me pregnant (tho I understand it's not his fault) and just pissed off at the whole situation.
3. People tell me I'm cruel and shitty for feeling this way...they are also not step parents and are under the idealistic thinking that I should just be happy with being a step mom since she is all I'm going to get and that I should love her like my own.
4. The fact that I can't love her as my own makes me feel horrible. I literally feel like a bad person for being resentful (not of her as a person) but for the whole situation. Should I let DH go and find a better woman? I feel so selfish...am I a bad person?
Stop putting so much pressure
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Many people do not develop close bonds with their stepchildren for many reasons. Why do you feel like you HAVE to love her and treat her as your own? You don't. You said yourself you are good to her. It doesn't come out and as long as she isn't mistreated or unfairly treated by you, then I think you are ok. I will never love the skids like my own. Its just not there. Many people on here will tell you the same. its just different and its ok.
I'm sorry you are going through the infertility. I understand the disappointment watching someone else with their children and no success with trying. You have other options with male factor infertility and you should look into those options.
Thank you! We have tried one
Thank you! We have tried one round of IUI and that failed. Currently saving for future treatments since they are so expensive.
Perhaps I listen to other people too much about how I am "supposed" to be. I don't allow myself to even feel the natural grief of infertility let alone the pangs of knowing he was able to get someone else pregnant but not me.
Currently in counseling. To
Currently in counseling. To some degree everyone settles when they get married as there is no such thing as the perfect person. I do think he settled for me because there is no such thing as a perfect woman. I tried to allow the situation to allow me to grow as a person, and in many ways I have. I'm just realizing that I am not a girl that is into other peoples kids and I feel horrible about it. He accepted that fact about me and in some ways embraces it. It's my own internal feelings I battle because social convention dictates that I'm "supposed" to be this warm, nurturing woman now that I have a child in my life. Every marriage has it's struggles...SD causes drama but isn't a "problem" in our marriage...I wonder if it is my own internal feelings of guilt that creates the struggles in the marriage. DH refuses the sperm donation part...as it turns out, he is not one for other peoples kids either..which is why he is understanding about how I feel but I STILL feel terrible.
Stuck33- I am *almost* in the
Stuck33-
I am *almost* in the same situation as you. I have a SS (8 yrs old) and he lives in a separate state than us. I feel guilty too because I don't love him as my own, but I do realize that it is different. Since we haven't really had a lot of "bonding time", I kinda feel awkward when it is just him and me. He is a really good kid and I do love him, but I just don't love him like he is mine. DH understands where I am coming from and doesn't hold it against me, BUT I also treat SS as if he were my own. I might not love him like he is my own, but I do treat him as if he were my own, just like you do with yours. I still consider SS in just about every aspect of our life and he plays a big role in our decision making when it comes major decisions (i.e. moving, etc). I do still feel guilty though. I just can't help it. That being said, we both need to cut ourselves some slack bc we ARE doing the best that we can do.
We are also struggling with infertility, although I am the one who has been initially diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We are consulting with an RE in April. I am sure we will start with our first IUI in May. I would be devastated if DH left me bc of it, BUT he wants children with me just as badly as I want children with him and he is willing to do whatever we can afford (IVF is not likely)in order to accomplish that. It doesn't sound like you and DH are on the same page with that. For example, I have a twin sister who has already offered to be a surrogate if need be and we could do an IUI with DH's sample, but my sister would be the one going through the procedure and carrying the baby. Is it kinda weird? Sure, but he is willing to do it, whereas your DH is not willing to use donor sperm. So, all of that being said, if you really want a baby and are willing to do whatever is necessary (within your budget) and your DH is not; it sounds like to me that if you left DH it would be bc y'all weren't on the same page about having children, not bc he was infertile. Does that make sense?
Also, if you ever need to talk about your infertility struggles with someone who is going thru the same thing, please feel free to PM me
I do see what you are saying
I do see what you are saying about the infertility. I suppose DH and I need to have more conversations about what our real options are. He gets sheepish about talking about it since we have failed only one IUI attempt and are not at the point of discussing other options. He likes to cross bridges as the come up, but I like to be prepared. The sister as a surrogate sounds like a great thing to me. You are lucky she is willing to do that for you. I don't have that option because I don't have a sister (or any siblings).
I am glad you are able to say you love your SS. I can't say that for myself. I am very apathetic. I'm not attached to her, I can't say that I love her (that fact makes me feel like a horrible person). All DH wants from me is to respect his relationship with his kid...and that is all I do. I do not treat her poorly, BELIEVE ME, she is very much a princess. I do not treat her with any animosity, malice nor am I spiteful. I just treat her like I would any kid that I babysit...is that bad? God, I feel awful. As of late, her existence is painful for me cause she's a reminder of what I can't have. I don't treat her as such, nor do I tell DH, but I cry myself to sleep at night.
Thank you for the offer, I might have to take you up on it. The most support I get from people is, "just relax" or "you need to go on a vacation." Counter productive for me.
I understand your pain. I
I understand your pain. I have been diagnosed with infertility and my DH had a vasectomy while he was still married to BM. There is a very small chance I could get pregnant naturally, but that chance was completely eliminated since he's had a vasectomy. It's hard. It's a devastating diagnosis and is something that crushes you.
Do you feel guilty because you don't love her or because you find yourself resenting her? I think you are normal, your feelings are what they are, the key is to remember it's not really her fault.
It stinks and it's just REALLY hard. Maybe when your resentment builds you can do something that gives you joy and and doesn't include her.
I don't know. I think it's just an ongoing battle. But there are choices for you. We are in the process of embryo adoption and we just went through a failed adoption. It's not the road I wanted or really chose for myself, but it is my life and I have to make the best of it. I think you might just need to allow yourself to feel bad and not feel guilty about it.
But all is not hopeless science has offered us and those like us many options and you are not required to love your step child, the best gift you can give her is your devotion to her dad and your respect for their relationship.
I wish you the best. It's a hard road but there is light at the end of the tunnel, there has to be!
*hugs
Stuck-He could just be shy
Stuck-He could just be shy about the whole infertility thing all together or he might feel guilty bc HE isn't able to give you a child. Maybe he doesn't want to do donor sperm bc HE wants to be the one to give you a child. Men internalize so much that it is so hard to tell with them what they are thinking and feeling. I know I feel horribly guilty about my infertility. I know I shouldn't bc it isn't anything I can do to help, but I do. It sounds like I am guilt ridden all the way around doesn't it? LOL. This infertility thing is a bitch.
Y'all sound just like me and DH. DH doesn't have a freakin' care in the world bc he just rolls with the punches. Me, on the other hand, I like to be prepared and try to plan things out the best way I can.
No, it isn't bad that you don't love her. Just look at it like you couldn't instantly love someone off the street, you would have to get to know that person. Same thing with SD. You really need to get to know her and with her living in a different state, that is very hard. It may just take time. Even after time has passed and you don't love her, it doesn't mean you are a bad person. You can't FORCE yourself to love someone and she is treated like a princess, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. I can definitely understand where her extistence is painful for you, absolutely. It goes hand in hand with the infertility. I resent the hell out of my BM's. I just posted a blog a couple of days ago about the this. It is perfectly normal for you to have those feelings and as long as you aren't taking them out on your SD (which you aren't)then you are fine. Don't feel like a horrible person bc you aren't. These are normal things to feel.
Right now with SS, I guess love wasn't the correct term, but I care about him tremendously. I think we still need to spend more time together before both of us can really have any kind of relationship other than me being "Dad's wife" (although he doesn't call me that, he calls me my name...LOL)
Oh, don't even get me started on support. My sisters, I love them, but they do NOT understand and they think they are right even when they know nothing about infertility. It is maddening!
oh honey, i can totally
oh honey, i can totally relate. SIGH :?