arrrghhhh......
I'm new, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I've read so many topics here to gain knowledge and advice to this foreign area. I've never been married, never had kids. Fell in love with a man who has 4 kids and a real "piece of work" ex wife. Since he's been with me, I've (thanks to this site's help) enlightened him on what he has to and DOES NOT have to take from her. Demanding that he pick up the kids when she is at school (who plans to go to school when you are supposed to have the kids or don't have a permanent back up plan... that's what the night and weekend classes are for... may i also mention she works at a bar a few nights so god forbid she move her bar schedule or get a day job instead), asking his whereabouts when she can't reach him, engaging in fights in front of the kids, belittled him and his mother on her deathbed, and thinks he's daycare because he's not working (but he is interviewing like crazy, doing odd jobs, helping family in order to make HER payments instead of filing a CS agreement change...but god forbid she says thank you or thinks he's doing anything but sitting on his a$$).
The list can go on and on. Sorry for the ramble. Anyway, his lawyer was great, the custody is outlined down to *times and *days, so he doesn't have to do anything outside unless he wants to. The times are based on a normal 8-5 work schedule. If he gets an interview or has to help family, he needs to be there!
Her normal babysitting coverage is gone for a few weeks so she didn't ask... she TOLD my BF that he needs to take them after school and an extra day the next two weeks. I told him enough! 1) she acts like you are still her husband. you are not. you don't have to. 2) part of divorce is learning how to handle problems on your own, i.e. calling parents of the kids friends, seeing if there's after-school activities, asking if your teacher at school can have you do a makeup class or tutoring because of your schedule, ask the bar if you can work the day shift on another day and be off that night... list goes on and on. 3) you do not have to talk to her. She has proven herself manipulative and unworthy of verbal trust so she can text and email you from now on. when she gets more than 30 seconds with him she gets under his skin so fast it's like an acid burn.
He's learning. I cannot fault him right now because before me, no one told him that the behemoth can sit down and shut up because she's not your wife anymore. She chose this bed, let her lie in it. The kids will see the adult and the child one day. Some days are harder than others, but I'm not mad at him yet because it's really the first time I've gotten to the "I have had enough" stage. I'll be furious if nothing changes.
So the question. This is what I told him I expected or desired to see. Am I being unreasonable?
1. Do not engage in person. By the weekend we will draft a formal written request to have all communication, with the exception of true emergencies, via email and text.
2. She is under no circumstances allowed in our house. (I still have my apartment because when the boys are there I do not sleep over. Unlike BM, I'd like to have a ring on my finger before I stay. Everyone's different, but since BM's boyfriend has broken up and come back 19+ times in the last year and a half, I just want to show them some stability and positive relationship behavior). She walked into the house when I wasn't there and started demanding things she said she forgot at the last house. Sorry, you don't have a right to anything anymore, get out of my home, you will not know what we have, what we buy, what is mine, what is his. This is my den and so help me I will call the cops if she comes in again. She stole a freaking shovel from outside when she left because it "used to be theirs". grow the f* up.
3. If she tried to engage verbally he turns on the phone recorder or video and tells her he is.
4. he does not have to speak to her about anything other than the boys, and nothing can't be said in writing.
He is my best friend, my heart, my future husband, and that is my den, my pack, and my life you're messing with. Don't corner the wolf sweetheart, you may be bigger but I promise you my bite is worse. (sorry so long).
Good boundaries - you have
Good boundaries - you have obviously learned a lot from reading here! You sound quite assertive, and that is the main quality you and your BF really need to have in abundance for dealing effectively with the BM and SKIDS. My one concern (sounds as if it is yours too), is that your BF is assertive ENOUGH for dealing with this woman.
You are obviously going into this with your eyes open - well done, and good luck!
When BM's say we are leadiing
When BM's say we are leadiing the men around by the balls....it translates to...they are pissed because they can no longer be the one to lead him by the balls.
Thanks guys..... I feel sorry
Thanks guys..... I feel sorry for her, she can't see past her own nose long enough to see what its showing the kids.
Kes - She ruled the roost before when it came to certain "I want, I want" things. He's better when he handles her fits via phone, but when she is around the kids, she uses that he will not tell her off in front of them to her advantage. He tries to get them into another room, but when she drops them off and she comes in the front door, I don't know if he is strong enough to say "get out before I have you arrested" if the kids are there. I don't blame him. He had to take her to court already this year to get that loser boyfriend banned from disciplining or anything. I hope by getting her to only talk via writing she'll eventually put her foot in her mouth about something. I actually keep distance with the kids because I'm trying to not give her ammo. I'm so tired of her games, I kinda wish there was a way to get her investigated. She makes the kids beg for things they shouldn't be in the middle of, she begs like a 12 year old for those things in front of them and him, talks to the kids about the problems as if they were "buddies", is always gone at her precious bar, and is letting her BF mentally abuse both them and her in front of them. But I know the only thing is to do no contact. I see it's effecting the youngest the worst. He's 9 and showing signs of a psychological disorder, possible NPD, or bipolar.
How do you tell the witch to go away and protect the kids from becoming cold and unemotional? It's truly bizarre to be around them when i grew up in such an emotional environment. his BD is 18 and a self centered mini BM. Am I being fair to say the end will solve the means if he bites this in the butt now and looks like a jerk to the kids? Am I wrong to say let her scream and fight in front of the kids, throw her out, tell her she cannot call, let the kids see she's nuts or ask questions? I've just about had it with this woman. But I know he doesn't wanna hit the kids with everything at once.