Need help. Husband fighting ex-spouse battle with adult child
Am I just being over sensitive or do I have a right to feel like this should not be happening? My husbands ex has been on the out's with their married with child adult son (23)for almost a year and half. And all along my husband has been talking to his ex about it and talking to his son about it. Last night I had enough because he came home and had sent me a text that he sent his son that basically outlined all the people that he has somewhat cast out of his life which included both of his parents at different times. Date night, we just sit down at the table at the restaurant, and his ex starts texting him about the message because he also sent it to her so that she would know what he said to him. That was the last straw for me. I tried explaining to him how it makes me feel that he is still fighting her battles for her. He said it's his son and his son's mother and he has every right to be involved. I could understand if it was an issue that if one they were still married to each other, or if one of their young children was having issue's with the parent, but not two now adults! I don't know what to do anymore.
Echo, thank you! That's
Echo, thank you! That's exactly how I feel about it and others I know feel about it. Mind you no one I know outside of my DH family has ever treated people this way. I was raised to respect people and their wishes. But when you think about 18 months passing that their 23 yr old son has had this issue with his mom, and DH being involved trying to resolve it and getting no where, it's time to stop and focus on DH relationship with current wife, not his ex. DH complains that ex meddles in his family still, well what do you think your doing by being there emotionally for her regarding son(23), fighting her battle for her. You're sending her mixed signals. And it tells me that I come second to her and I can't take it anymore.
There is NO reason for your
There is NO reason for your DH to have ANY communication with this woman EVER EVER EVER again.
Ask him why he wants to maintain ties with her. Not in anger or anything overly emotional - but rationally - why is she in his life at all at this point.
Yes she is the mother of his son - but that is a done deal. Son is grown.
There is not one reason that he NEEDS to be involved with her except that he wants to be. Just try to talk this out about why that is important to him. The fact that there is a grown adult out there in the world is not a reason - it is an excuse for him to be attached to her.
As calmly as possible (not always easy) really try to get to the heart of why she is still so important to him. She probably isn't in reality - he's just still trying to do "the right thing" except that it is not the right thing.
Of course he is going to be concerned about his son. The business of telling his son that he thinks the son should have a relationship with BM is between him and his son. She does not need to be in the discussion. They are NOT a family unit.
They still have a D17 and S12
They still have a D17 and S12 together. But the need to be involved because his ex did something to tick SS23 off, should be none of his concern. She needs to be using her husbands shoulder to cry on not MY husbands. We are having issue's with SS23 too because he is still mad that his parents divorced and tried an intervention before we got married, and also because SD17 assaulted me in Sept and everyone thinks it should just go away. DH actually told me a few weeks ago that SD17 and I need to sit and talk to apologize to each other. I told him that I do not owe her an apology and if he thinks that way then we have even bigger issues! DH has kept most of his family in the dark about what really happened, so of course everyone on his side is feeling sorry for SD17.
He tells me all the time that
He tells me all the time that he can't stand her. Well considering she's a low life, doesn't pay child support, or her half of the kids car/medical expenses like she is supposed to, ticks off SS23, but yet he is still there for her fighting her battles. Am I just fighting for something that I should just surrender and walk away from?
Yes he is a control freak
Yes he is a control freak unfortunately he hid it well until after we were married. I've been given so many reasons to run, but I continue to try and make it work
well got a txt from DH. DH:
well got a txt from DH.
DH: How does this get better?
Me: I don't know the exact answer, but i do know your son has a right to the choices he makes in his relationships, just as you and I do. This thing has gone on for 18 months with you trying to fix this for her. This is not yours to fix. You can tell SS23 why he should have a relationship with his mom but you don't need to be her shoulder to cry on anymore about this, you're my husband
DH: When BD23 and you have a conversation with ex then you will be able to relate. This is just another case of you wanting me to do something you won't do yourself
Me:You have no interest in making this better. She has you fighting for her still 4 years into our relationship. We are not just talking about something going on in their life. We are talking about you trying to fix BM mistakes with SS23. I can't compete against your need to still be her hero. But you can't be my hero when you have her in my place
DH:I sent his mother a text about her son. If that makes me hero then your idea of a hero is misguided. I am up to my neck with changing the world to fit your unattainable expectations
Me: You didn't just send her a text, you discuss it with her, she whines to you and then your off working on it again for her. Unattainable because you won't let taking care of her go
DH:Feelings, you will stop at nothing to control. I have children and they have a mother. If I feel it necessary to talk to her about them for any reason then that is my decision and mine alone
Me: and you wonder why she doesn't leave your family alone. She still has you fighting for her so she doesn't think you really want her gone. You're fighting for the wrong relationship. But I get it, her feelings come first
DH: i was wrong for asking how to make it better. you're not ready
Me:You're the one not ready and never will be as long as you're in her corner. The only relationship you need to be concerned about is yours with your son. But you don't get that. Those are facts.
DH: My concern is for S23. I am not going to give up on him. And I will exhaust all avenues to get him, as big of a POC she is still his mother. I am not including her in the conversations to help her. Yes the by product might help her too. That is the chance I'm willing to take.
He can not give you a good
He can not give you a good reason why he is still involved with his ex so he attacks you personally. Unfair, dirty pool. Ask him what he would think if you insisted on having a 'plutonic' relationship with an ex-boyfriend. You need to go to counselling. If he will not go, go by yourself and maybe you will get some good suggestions on how to deal with this issue. The way it is now, this is a no-wion situation for you.
I love that he asked you,
I love that he asked you, "How does this get better?" This tells me that he's not content to just meddle in the relationship with the XW and SS23 - he wants *you* to be involved in fixing her problems too. By always involving you in the issue, he's getting a twofer: he gets to continue to try to control XW's relationship with SS23, but he is trying to control *your* participation in it also.
Your DH is a real winner.
He is talking like these kids
He is talking like these kids are school aged and he still needs to maintain an open communication with her for the purpose of "co parenting". That is BS, he doesn't NEED to have any contact with his ex unless someone is in the hospital and needs an organ transplant or some similar TRUE EMERGENCY.
She can talk to her new BF or her GFs if she needs to whine and vent about her son, not HIM.
If they were talking with the purpose of organizing an intervention or something for an addiction that would be a little different, but if the young MAN is choosing to be a douche and not talk to either of his parents, then that doesn't directly relate to DH talking to her.
I have a S17 and I have blocked all of my ex's numbers so she cannot call or text me at all, she could be run over by a car, and be unable to notify me, and I am JUST FINE with that, she can contact my son if she needs to talk to him but there is zero parenting going on from her end so I have no need to talk to her ever, for any reason.
"If I feel it necessary to
"If I feel it necessary to talk to her about them for any reason then that is my decision and mine alone"
I guess he is being pretty clear that his decision is to disregard your feelings and concentrate on hers.
Remember when someone shows you who they are - believe them.
He keeps saying "you are not ready".
Will you ever be ready to accept the fact that she will always trump you?
The man is just broadcasting that he doesn't give a damn about you. You need to decide if you can live with a man who has no concern for your welfare.
He still doesn't get it. He
He still doesn't get it. He threatened yesterday that I better straighten up or he will cancel lift tickets he purchased for CO next weekend. I told him he can't talk to me that way and it's his choice if he doesn't want to go on the trip, I'll go alone. This was a trip I bought him for Christmas. Well he couldn't believe I said I would go without him. Said i'm not waisting the money by not going. He didn't like that, said all I think about is money. Hmmm let's see that's cuz everything is in my name dumbass, so if he bails it's all on me. He said we need to agree to disagree on the matter regarding his ex because he will continue to do it if he feels it is necessary. Yes this makes me feel like I'm a nothing to him, and she takes precedence. I don't have an issue with him talking with her about their 12 and 17 yr olds, I do have an issue with him fighting her battle for her with her 23 son. We had another falling out this morning where he called and had the balls to ask if SS12 would be okay with me or if he needed to come get him. I was livid. I left with all the kids to go to work. He threatened to call the police on me, I couldn't believe it. His 17yr old daughter assaults me and the last thing he would do is call the police but yet he threatens to call the police on me, someone that provides a roof, clothing, food, and insurance on his son. I'm at a loss. I had lunch with his mom today, and she agreed with what I said and felt. Said he is controlling. How can he be so oblivious to his actions with all this? I honestly don't know how I ended up in this. I would have never married this man had I known he was this way.
I would NEVER allow my DH to
I would NEVER allow my DH to threaten me with the police like that. Please get to counselling by yourself and see how you can deal with this man - if you actually want to. The reason he is threating you and being such a jerk IS because everything is in your name. It is the only power he has. Make sure you have separate accounts, etc. Anything that you came into the marriage with is yours but the longer you remain with him the more you have to pay to him in the event of divorce.
Here is a list I've posted
Here is a list I've posted many times. I don't know if you have seen it before. Your husband is mentally abusive and manipulative. He may also be verbally abusive and that usually gets worse instead of better....
BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP
The right to goodwill from the other
The right to emotional support
The right to be heard by the other and responded to with courtesy
The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business
The right to live free from accusations and blame
The right to live free of criticism and judgment
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
The right to encouragement
The right to live free from emotional or physical threat
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
The right to be called by no name which devalues you
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered
This is from the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans
Awesome! My desire is to help
Awesome! My desire is to help others who have been in my place. That book sincerely changed my life.
Sounds like he's made his
Sounds like he's made his choice that the first wife's desires will come before yours. Now what are you going to do about it? The ball is in your court.
He's been pretty clear that you do not come first. Can you live with this? I couldn't but I'm not you. I am financially independent so I never have to consider that part. It sounds like you are too.