You won't hit me again!!
I have been married for about 1.5 year both of us on our 2nd marriage. SO has a 15year old daughter that "is a good kid because she gets good grades" My SO is blind to the her child doing anything wrong. Most recent while conducting a random search of her room last week I found an empty gallon of vodka, a homemade bong, and a pregnancy test and a mountain of clothes in the SD closet. I took pics and sent them to my wife. I placed everything back where it was found so the SO could address it herself as to find it on her own. That went as planned and the punishment was impossed but not enforced. If you tell the child no electronics/no phone then your supposed to take those items away. My wife just doesn't get that. She is more of a friend than a parent. The Daughter calls her BM by her first name!! What really?!!! I have been trying to help my SO understand right and wrong and it isn't working. The SD was caught in a lie on thursday saying that she was not texting with her ipod that she was just listening to music. I caught her and she refused to turn over the device, the wife entered the room after my voice got loud and was just like whats going on. I said uour daughter is a liar!! I then imposed my punishment confinded to room door must stay open i told her you havent earned privacy you lied to our faces unacceptable!! I was very angry that she just wasnt getting it and it was soon christmas. The SD apologized for lying on Christmas eve and assumed she could then close her door to her room. I opened the door and walked away without saying anything hoping she would get the hint. Nope she asked me why did I open her door, I said " I told you, you haven't earned privacy" at that moment it was like I hit a switch in her head and she lost all control yelling cursing hit me slammed the door on the side of my face! I ripped the door off the hinges and the wife had the nerve to yell at me! I told her I'm done!!! I don't need this drama, he abuse. This was the second time the SD struck over a punishment. I told the wife "I will never make you choose between your daughter or me but I can't live in this environment anymore. I want a divorce!!"
I apologize if the above is unreadable or seems jumbled together, but it's not easy to put it all in words. My thoughts are that the wife wants to raise a spoiled princess that has no respect or control on her temper. I don't want to live in a hostel house. I'm out!!
Your wife didn't do anything
Your wife didn't do anything about the disrespect and the physical violence and yelled at you instead? Get out, now. The disgusting behavior of her daughter isn't likely to change if DW doesn't, and even now, there's a huge chance her daughter won't respect her either and may possibly do the same thing.
You don't deserve to be treated like this.
Hopefully this will let your
Hopefully this will let your wife know that you mean business and you aren't putting up with SD's crap anymore. Sometimes it takes a moment like that for her to open her eyes. My wife never took me seriously until I told her that she never informed me that her adult daughters are so needy, and I probably would see her more if I just moved out and got my own place.
The bottom line is that if your wife is more afraid of upsetting your SD than she is of losing you, she will never change. Props to you for putting your foot down. A 15 yr old girl acting like a wild banshee should not be tolerated.
My DW would have done the
My DW would have done the exact same thing if this had happened in my house - get mad at me for forcing the door open. I avoid these kind of issues (for the most part) because I have completely, utterly disengaged from SD17. We literally do not speak to one another. I got tired of beating my head against a wall, since nothing will change.
My dad once took my door off
My dad once took my door off for slamming it. I can't imagine what he would have done, If I had hit him with the door. Your wife needs to wake up and quickly before she has a grandchild to raise as well.
I agree you should leave, no one will ever believe you about her initiating the drama. Because we are steps they will believe it was our fault. BTDT. Threatened to leave and when I was ready to, SD sued us to live with BM. Thankfully, she made the decision easy to stay and work on my marriage. It has been bliss since she left...
I would find alternative housing and force your wife to wake the hell up. May work, may not, but at least you can't be accused of anything.
I didn't get great grades in
I didn't get great grades in school I was a bad ass kid. But at home and to adults I showed respect. I grew up in a divorced family so I know how step parents are perceived from a kids point of view. I know what the wrong things to do are and I was good to this girl. Interjecting values and self-respect that she needed in a positive manner. She never had any positive affection for me even being around.
My career does not tolerate any type of violence on the job or at home. I handle people everyday that are out of control. At work if someone puts their hands on me or someone else the are pepper sprayed, taken to the ground and cuffed. It took every ounce of effort not to go hands on my SD, I shouldn't have too. I should be safe in my home as I provide safety for those in my life. It's just a shame the wife didn't fully know that I would not fit into her life.
Thanks for all of the encouragement.
Sorry your situation has come
Sorry your situation has come to this. I understand how frustrating it must be, first your stepkid slams a door on you for trying to enforce some fair rules, and then the wife defends her daughter.
My SS (13) has been hard to deal with lately too, bad grades, bad attitude, disrespect, the whole bit. He lost all electronic devices including TV and video games, so really his choices are to sit quietly or read a book. Oh, I also took his door off the hinges.
If my wife had not backed me up on this I'm not sure what I would do, but I certainly could not go on like that either.
I would ahve called the
I would ahve called the police on her and had her arrested. My ss13 has never hit me although I worry that it may come to that someday. I dont worry that he will hurt me, but rather that I will hurt him and then have to pay the consequences for it. So I just remind myself in those moments "Call the police. Call the police. call the police". That way my behavior is above reproach and the kid is the one facing the consequences as it should be.
my concern here is that, if
my concern here is that, if things should get physical again, YOU would be the one blamed and possibly prosecuted. And it sounds like your wife would participate in the prosecution. From your description of your work, the absolute LAST thing you need is a domestic violence charge - it could ruin you. I say get out and stay out until the situation is resolved. It is simply not worth ruining your career over and your wife should be aware of that!
My wife and I are going to
My wife and I are going to counseling for similar issues. Basically, she wasn't really parenting or enforcing any rules and I was trying to overcompensate for her lack of involvement. Between this board, talking with friends, and talking with the counselor I'm starting to see some of the mistakes I've made along side the ones that my wife and SS14 have made. My frustration level is down, and I'm starting to let go of the need to control him as much. There's a balance between disengaging in a spiteful manner and simply realizing that the hole you were trying to fit into was just not the right place for you, and to look for another place. Whether you work on your marriage or move on, good luck. I hope you find a place that you can fit into without having to deal with all the BS.