FH and I are having an issue with parenting time. Partially I just want to blow off steam, and partially I am looking for advice.

FH's son - I will call him "P" - is 4 and started preschool this year. Up until last summer, FH and BM had a set schedule of each had P every other week with handoffs on Sundays. This is what was agreed in the dissolution and is court-ordered. FH works evenings & nights, I work days. So on weeks we had P, I was P's caregiver in the evenings. Summertime came around and we began to have P more often due to BM's unstable living situation.

FH and I don't like how BM raises P (she often leaves him with his 2 teen/pre-teen sisters who aren't very responsible, she lets him do pretty much whatever he feels like, has no set bedtime for him, lets him fend for himself for meals, often sleeps during the day, etc etc). However, she is his mother, P loves her, and on paper she is supposed to have P 50% of the time.

This fall, BM was persuaded to allow P to go to preschool in our town rather than hers (we live 45 min apart), so as of October P goes to school Tues & Thurs mornings. Since P started preschool, the every-other-week schedule has gone out the window. But instead of coming to some other arrangement on when BM will have P, they have no firm agreement on what the schedule should be. Since October it's just kind of a spontaneous "whatever works" schedule. They have not gone back to court nor are there any immediate plans to.

I am the backup caretaker in this scenario. Even if I think BM will have P on a given day, if FH doesn't want P to go over there, or BM is busy, or whatever, I am on deck. This leaves me with zero control over my own life. I have little ability to make plans because for all I know I will be watching P that night. Not to mention that P sometimes asks me "When am I going to my mommy's next?" and all I can say is "That's up to your dad."

I have tried several times to bring up to FH how much this bothers me. Today it came up again because FH still hadn't decided if P will go to BM's this weekend, even though yesterday he told me he would talk to BM about taking P. We were both upset, and FH said something to me along the lines of "fine, you don't have to take care of him at all then" which made me so flaming mad. I work so hard to do the best I can for P, I love him, and I want him to learn and grow and feel loved. So to hear FH say that just stings beyond measure. FH also said something about how he just "takes it for granted" that he's a father and he always has to take care of P. I interpret that as him saying he doesn't agree with me wanting to know what my "off" days are. Like, if I were truly dedicated to P I wouldn't need to know any of this, and would just happily assume I may or may not have P on any given day and that is just fine.

There is also the factor of BM's poor parenting skills, and that FH dreads having P go over there that all. He also states that he feels like he never gets to see P becuase he is so tired during the day from working the night before that the time he has with P is not truly quality time. These issues tend to get raised when I mention I would like some "me" time or that I would like us to have a set parenting time schedule. It leaves me with a feeling of horrible guilt, because part of me thinks I shouldn't go visit friends or do whatever by myself on a given day because I *could* be watching P instead of entrusting him to his mother's care. Like I'm somehow doing a disservice to FH (depriving him of potential quality time) and to P (depriving him of quality parenting).

I wish there was a way I could make FH understand how taken for granted and powerless I feel in this situation. If I try to say I want a set parenting schedule - for EVERYONE'S benefit, including P's - I get slapped in the face with implications that I'm being selfish or just don't "get" what parenting is all about.

Whew. That got a lot longer than I intended, but I wanted to get it all out there. Has anyone been in this type of situation? I would value any constructive feedback on how to approach this.