moving out
This was not my choice. I live with SO and her 2 kids. I get along great with the kids. SO bought a new house and told me they were going to move in first "To get settled" and she would let me know when she was ready for me to move in.
Her current house is up for sale but hasn't sold and she doesn't think it will sell until spring so I have some time, but if it sells, I will have 30 days to find someplace to live and move.
This is my problem:
She wants space and that is why she wants me to wait to move in. She wants to get her feet on the ground with her kids before figuring out how to put me in the mix since our first "blending" attempt didn't go super smooth and we have some baggage now.
So, I told her I was moving out immediately. I found a place and will be out next month. I told her I disagree about it being best for all if she ever wants me to live with them again. We went through some hard times but we found a way to make it all work where we are. It isn't perfect but is it ever?
We haven't broken up. The kids are a mess because they want me to go with them. Of course I have my reasons why I think this is a poor way to handle the situation but before putting my thoughts out there, I want to hear yours.
Please send feedback. I feel like one of us is completely crazy for thinking what we think. I just want some light shined on this for my sanity.
Based on what you've said I
Based on what you've said I think something's way off. It would be one thing if you had been living separately and she bought a house and wanted some time for the dust to settle before you moved in. But it sounds like you WERE living together as a family, she moved, and didn't want you to move with her. Why would that make sense? It would seem to be MORE disruptive to live together, then live separately, then live together again. I think you are making the right call to do what you are doing.
Agreed, something is up with
Agreed, something is up with the SO. I would go ahead and get my own place. I wouldn't let her use me as a placeholder until her house sells.
That's my take on it, too. If
That's my take on it, too. If you were already living together in a home she owned, why is this one any different? I actually think it would be better as far as the kids go if you were all to move at the same time. That way, the house would belong to ALL of you equally. Whereas the other house sounds like they were there first, and you might have been looked on as an intruder by her kids. A new start in a new house would put you all on equal ground. Maybe she doesn't want that?
Something is not right here.
Something is not right here. She is telling you it is over by her actions. Sorry, but you need to move on and find someone who will appreciate you and not have all these strings on your relationship...
Since you were already
Since you were already living together, why did SHE purchase a new home? Why wasn't it a joint purchase?
It sounds like this was her way out of the relationship.
In my own opinion, you guys
In my own opinion, you guys should move together and work it out... If you don't work on it in front of the kids, they will learn by watching that it's ok to walk away from problems. Again, in my own opinion, it's important for children to see their parents work out their differences in a calm manner, rather than get ugly about it and separate and maybe get back together. That choice of you living away from them is just going to confuse the kids too. They need stability.
I've never liked the term "space" because to me that meant one of two things: there are other options that want to be tested out before coming back, or they want to see how much they miss you or how lonely they'll be when you're gone. I am a very cut and dry person though. I don't see gray areas in love anymore because I've been screwed over a handful of times in the past.
She does not want us all on
She does not want us all on equal ground. She used "the kids were here first" a lot in the house when it came to everything. I had hopes that the new house would make things different. That it would be more like equal ground because she wouldn't use that anymore.
She is buying the house alone for 2 reasons.
1) When we were looking at houses she was looking for things that would be good for her and the kids with no interest of things that would be good for me so I refused to put my name on a mortgage that didn't have anything that I needed in a space. But then the place she settled on actually had everything I need too so I thought that was a sign that she was thinking about me.
2) She didn't pay for either of the houses. Her parents have a mortgage out on both houses for her. I pay her money to stay and I make more money than her but her parents give her monthly money that exceeds all of her expenses.
It is important to know that when she divorced her husband, she never had time alone with her kids. We got into a relationship pretty quickly.
My concern is that she wants to go into this house to establish a routine and she does not expect that when I move in anything will change. This assumption is crazy. But I don't know what she is thinking. It was so hard the first time I "intruded", I am not up for doing it again.
We were friends before she
We were friends before she was divorced and we got together within a month of her divorce. I moved into her house a year and a half after getting together. I am a teacher in her children's school and I have known them and have had a great relationship with them for a long time.
^^^^^THEY ARE WRONG^^^^^^^
^^^^^THEY ARE WRONG^^^^^^^ LOL
I lived an hour away from my boyfriend, and when I moved closer to him (which was already in the plans before we met), he stayed with my kids and I practically every night. Moved in, except for paying for anything, because he still had his apartment he shared with his niece which is WAY cheaper than what I pay. We had problems when his kids would come for the weekends. Lots of problems. Mostly due to his guilty parenting/ inability to see others' point of view when his precious kids might get their feelings hurt, etc. So now he is back at his place, and I am here with my kids. And it has nothing to do with wanting things to be over. On the contrary, we want things to continue and we are doing what we need to insure our relationship is intact. I have pretty much decided that blending families successfully is nearly impossible. So I choose to focus on raising MY children rather than throwing everything in a mixing bowl and hoping they come out okay. There is too much at stake here, and my kids, and his kids, come first.
That said, it sounds like you don't have kids? And it sounds like there weren't issues? I'm betting there were. But if SO doesn't communicate them, THAT is the problem. Lack of communication is the one thing that screws up relationships EVERY time. Good luck!
You are right. I have no
You are right. I have no kids. There were/are issues. Not sure they are settled by being in separate houses. Some of the issues she has are how I choose to spend my time when I am not hanging out with her and her kids. I am not going bar hopping or anything. But on evenings when she has the kids I may choose to go for a run or work late or go out to dinner with my friends. Our schedules do not line up great. WHen I am getting home and making diner she is usually putting kids to bed which takes her about 2 hours so I usually end up cook and eating by myself.
If she is expecting me to be at her house all the time hanging out Saturday afternoons or waiting until after bedtime at 9ish to hang out that is not going to happen. AND this means I will be doing something different.
So yes, there were issues. It never got ugly and she says my move out is temporary. So the question is really about re-introducing the blended life after a period of time in separate houses.
My thought is if I move out, I stay moved out and my involvement with her kids is minimal.
This sounds like what you did and it is successful.
I feel like we either move in together and figure it out together.
or
I move out and we keep things separate.
I don't know much about you
I don't know much about you or your SO...just a few paragraphs. But she sounds like she is entitled (parents giving her money still) and narcissistic (moving without you with?? Not taking your desires into account when looking for a house).
When PB (BM) wanted to get a house with my DH (her BF), he refused. He didnt' want to be entangled with her financially when their relationship was so on again/off again. She went ahead and bought a place anyway. That way she could have him stay when she needed money or things fixed and give him the boot when he didn't tow the line or when she wanted to have sex with some other dude.
I would walk away, head held high, and never look back. This is not a good relationship for you. I am not saying stay away from single moms, I am saying that she is not mature enough for the tough work of a blended family relationship.
I somewhat agree. She is
I somewhat agree. She is being supported by her parents, which is kind of weird. Not sure how old you all are, but it's time to cut the apron strings. From what you are saying, I feel like her expectations of you are unfair. I'm sure it never blew up because you tried to be understanding of her role as a mother, but did not receive the respect you should have in your role as SO. Since you don't have kids, it's only natural you are going to find other things to fill your time. If you plan on making things work, you will both have to make time for dates and time when you are both focused on each other only, with no kids around. If she is unable to do that, she is not serious and probably done. If she keeps making excuses, you are better off with someone else.
I appreciate all of your
I appreciate all of your input and I see truths in everything everyone has said. She is not wrong or a bad person and neither am I. We have a complicated situation and I think there are things about herself that she has yet to learn.
I want to be in a "real" relationship with her. Not one that compartmentalizes me from her real life. Only time will tell if this move is going to help or hurt that. This is a good place to get good support. Thank You!
Jb, I have a few different
Jb, I have a few different thoughts on this-so it may sound 'scattered' but just throwing at you what came to mind. How old is she? Is she employed? Does she come from a well to do family that they are paying her mortgages? Had you guys discussed buying a house together? How long have you guys been living together now? How old are the kids now and what age at divorce? Genders?
Ok now with those questions out of the way
First problem-you guys got involved WAY too soon after her divorce, mostly those are reboudn relationships. A person needs TIME to heal from divorce, get acclimated, I think her involvement with you so soon (not sure how soon the kids got to see you come around) was negligent on her part. I stayed single -dated never around my kids for 5 plus years before I met my now BF. KIDS need time to adjust, their family unit needs to be functional and heal before throwing another party in the mix.
In most cases this is the single biggest indicator of future success in a new relationship-being READY for one.
SO it COULD be that this is what she is wanting, she realized it was a mistake to move in so soon, she needs some time to adjust to routines with kids and find their balance/place together and focus on them before having a new 'stepdad' or relationship in the mix. That doesn't mean it's DOOMED-I don't think in these circumstances it is a mistake for her to find herself a bit and have some room and establish her family before getting serious or moving in together. A step 'backwards' doesn't have to be bad or the end, sometimes it IS the right thing to do to KEEP the relationship going while she finds her healing and so do her kids.
I don't think every custodial parent shoudl stay single until the kids are gone....only in rare cases of very problematic children...how is it fair for the adult to be lonely w/no companion in their 'prime' years for a long period of time just because you got a divorce? It doesn't seem very practical or plausible honestly-maybe in a few cases. I used to think that but I don't anymore-I think TIME is imperative for the custodial and kids especially but not having to wait till they are 18. Kids learn a lot from seeing their custodial parent in a healthy loving relationship, married or seriously dating or living together. My first marriage was dysfunctionl, we split when they were young, thats the only thing they remembered until now. NOW they get to see a wonderful example for them later in their lives.... They see how we resolve conflict, fight fair, give lots of affection (to their dismay and ewwww complaints), they see how we put eachother first, sit together, laugh, work together in the house, cook and spend time, sit at the table at dinner and converse with them. This is the best thing that happened to them, regardless if we marry or not one day.
Another issue-for you guys moving in together you DO have very compartmentalized lives....you don't want to hang out w/her when its her and kids so you go do your own thing...not very family oriented. My bf knows my kids are in the picture and he adjusts to our schedule/routine...many times that means he's hanging at the house talking with us, or cooking FOR us to eat together, has helped if the boys have a cool project they are working on, etc...he doesn't 'go do his own thing' most nights. AND we don't even live together. It could be she feels that if she's goign to still be a single parent and handle it all while you do your own thing...then BE a dating couple w/out living together..she has a valid point honestly.
3rd-sometimes gusy just get in the way of our routines lol-this happens in even nuclear traditional families!!! I have to say this is tough for ME sometimes...if I ask him to not come over tonight, he gets hurt because he wants to see me...but sometimes I just need to handle my evening/kids/homework w/out him there lol...he throws a wrench in my routine sometimes. I've been managing my routine alone for 5 plus yrs, to suddenly have someone there almost every night can be a little much for me or throw things off a bit.
OK, to answer your questions.
OK, to answer your questions. She just turned 40 and she works part time. She will work 20 hours one week and then she could fly off to Hawaii for 2 weeks and take the whole month off of work without a worry. Her parents own a multi-million dollar company but the money she gets now she didn't have growing up. They have been millionaires for about 20 years. We discussed buying a house together. She wanted to but didn't want me to have an opinion about what house it was and she was not looking at houses that would suite my needs, just hers. So we agreed we should not. Kids age gender ss9 and sd5. We have been living together for 2 years and her divorce was 3 years ago.
I agree that she got into things with me too soon and a step back isn't bad. I think the hard part is that she has hopes that I will move back in with them and this is a temporary separate house thing. My point of view is that when I move out, it is with the intentions of making my own home feel like home. I don't want to go into it thinking it is temporary.
And to clarify, I DO want to hang out with her and her kids. I have a complex work schedule and it takes effort and planning for us to be on the same page in a family way. I do not have the freedoms with my work that she does. So if she wants to do something with the kids in the evening, she doesn't want to have to plan it with me. So, I could try to leave work early to hang out with them and she won't wait the 30 minutes it takes so I could be included in their plans. It is frustrating. I offer to help out with the kids and take them places and she doesn't allow me to help when I can. My schedule is inconsistent, so I admit it can be tough but not impossible. I have been in the situation many times of planning to be home early and they aren't here. I end up on my own for 4 hours. So, I have stopped trying to make my life adjust to when she MIGHT be around with the kids. She admittedly does not want to make any effort to coordinate with me. Unless it is vacation time for me and I am just around all of the time then it just doesn't naturally happen. My vacation time is spent 100% around the house. I often cook meals for all and I always sit down with them to eat when I am not working. I have been choosing to go out more since she has told me that we will not move into the new house together. I know with her inability to plan schedules I will see the kids 1 time a month at the most.
You saying that you have managed your routine alone for 5 plus years so you don't want him around sometimes makes me think this will happen with her and we won't move back in together. I am OK with that. I just want to be real and call it what it is.
^^^^^^Good points^^^^^^^^ It
^^^^^^Good points^^^^^^^^
It is difficult for me to have my boyfriend hanging out while I parent, etc. He has kids, but not full time. It is stressful feeling pulled in different directions. And honestly I do resent him being able to sit there doing NOTHING after work while I'm working my a$$ off from morning til bed time. I would rather he go work out, handle his responsibilities at his place, etc. but instead he doesn't do his thing and that doesn't help him. Then when he does have his kids, another set of problems... So in our case, it seems to work better to do our own things and make plans to get together, because that time together is more special and focused on each other. We miss each other and that keeps things alive. When the kids are grown and gone...GAME ON! LOL
I don't ever want to just sit
I don't ever want to just sit around. I cook, take out garbage and even fold their laundry and I work more hours than she does. I hope we can get to the point where we just make plans together and their is no resentment. I don't want to resent her that she can get a massage, go for a walk and get a mani/pedi on a Friday afternoon while I work and I don't want her to resent me that I have a Saturday to do things for me.
I have secured a place for
I have secured a place for myself. Things are really weird and awkward now. She wanted to be a part of my move and help me. I told her I wanted to do a bunch of stuff while the kids were gone this weekend. Instead of helping me, she spent the whole weekend with her kids and their dad. Or she did things on her own. She still slept at home but wasn't there. It was too hard for her to help. She came home for an hour on Saturday and hugged me but she started to sob and said she needed to get out of there.
She is telling everyone it is a positive, temporary move and that we are still together, love each other and we agree it is for the best.
I am having a hard time with this. I don't feel like I am being truthful to anyone. I have told a few friends how I really feel but I am suppose to put on this front to everyone when I am all torn up inside. Plus I am a teacher in the town we live in and her kids go to school there. I am in the public eye and I feel like everyone knows my business.
I am trying to do what I need to for me. I feel like my feelings are completely disregarded about everything.
It is like I am practically trying to establish my life as the life of someone who is single but I am not. She is going to the new house with her kids for dinner tonight and I am not invited.
I think people who have written to me on this post are right. I do not think she wants me in her family. I think she wants her life with her kids and their dad and she keeps me on the side.