AVR1962, sometimes it is like death in that the pain and hurt lessens over time if you can find a way to move forward. It takes years sometimes. And for some it remains as if it just happened, they continue to dwell on it and never seem able move on.

When my husband died 20 years ago,the children and I moved on with our lives. His mother to this day still has her house looking like a shrine to his memory. Still will tell anyone who will listen how I was responsible for his death [died of heart attack] and remains so full of anger over life not turning out as she expected and wanted.

My present husband's mother was murdered. In time everyone in the family has moved forward in life. everyone but his sister. She has been through 10 years of counselling, antidepressants,deemed unable to work because of it and still lives each day with the intensity as if it happened yesterday.

I did not go through as many years of dealing with the disappointment from steps, family, or husband that was not supportive when needed. My time has been much shorter but there is still the anger and hurt that surfaces at times. What often surprises me is how I can have a night of actually being awake all night, stewing over the indigneties and lack of support from DH because of past situations. After getting some sleep I find myself thinking "How foolish to lose sleep. that was the past and is not what is going on now,"

I have almost no contact with DH's family. My expectations of happy extended family were not reality. Once I accepted that I had done my best to promote that and what I hoped to achieve was not going to happen then I could move forward. I made mistakes. I blamed the steps many times for the things I should have held DH responsible for. He made promises that he was not in a position to fulfil. He made excuses for his families bad behavior.

Things are different now, We moved. They never make the effort to visit. He visits them once a year. They never had a close relationship. Their mother who they could say nothing nice about has become the closer parent to them. Maybe it is like empty nest syndrone. He loves the relationship of just us. And I enjoy it also but there are times I still feel hurt and angered that "my dream" of still living out in the country,all the grandchildren and children visiting, sitting at the table for dinner {Norman Rockwell} did not continue after the first few years.

Being just 'us' has been better. The anger and hurt accummulated over a number of years so I accept that it will lessen but it takes time.

I think you've confirmed what most of us know. . .that it really DOESN'T get any better after all and it's probably best to exit while you still have some of your life left.

You & I both.

No it really does not get any better. I only recently (the last couple of years) disengaged from my adult steps and while I am still angry that I am still being blamed for their lack of a relationship with their father - in reality I know that both H and the adult steps are adults and as such the responsibility for their realtionship or lack of a relationship lies with them.

I do not wish for things that will never be - I actually rarely think about these people reentering my life. If I were to meet these people anywhere else I would not have a relationship with them because they have such low moral character so I honestly can say that I do not miss anything about them. I used to be sympathetic to my H about their refusal to talk to him but since he now places no importance on maintaining contact on his own I feel that he made his choice. If you had told me 28 years ago that the children that I cared for and did so much for would turn out like this I would not have beleved it.

I can honestly say that I did my best with my steps when they were little. The crap they accuse me of now is ridiculous (I was accused of being contolling because thier father made them tell me goodbye when they left my home). Perhaps it is their intense unfounded hatred and voiced blame towards me that now makes it easy for me to not look back. Instead of looking back, I have made the decision to concentrate only on those things that make me happy now and the people that care about me - the stepadult ingrates obviously are not counted in that number and never will be.

The fact that they are trying to manipulate my H to try to make him into a perfect father who fulfills their every stunted emotional need is their problem. The fact that H is too lazy and/or scared of the adult steps to ever try to initiate contact on his own is NOT my problem. H will never be what the adult steps want him to be and BM and the stepadults will never realize that this will never happen. Again not my problem.

It really does not matter whose fault that it is that you are where you are. It seems to me that most people on here with hateful vindictive BMs have ended up with hateful vindictive stepadults. True in some cases the fathers could have stepped up more but even if they did you still had the evil BM continually working her hatefulness in the background and there simply is no way for those children to ever feel that they can have a relationship with your H and yourself without being unloyal to her - adult or not. There is almost always only one ending to this scenario. Try not to place blame as the ending was most likely inevitable anyway. Let your H build whatever relationship he wants with the steps on his own apart from you. Not having them in your life should bring some sense of peace to your life and after 22 years of this yo yo like behavior you do deserve peace.

AVR 1962 - I am also trying to find things that make me happy, look forward not backwards and live my life for myself for a while. Its long overdue. You might try this and then see if your H fits into your new found interests and activities in any meaningful way. Doing this could help provide you the answer that you are looking for.

No it really does not get any better. I only recently (the last couple of years) disengaged from my adult steps and while I am still angry that I am still being blamed for their lack of a relationship with their father - in reality I know that both H and the adult steps are adults and as such the responsibility for their realtionship or lack of a relationship lies with them.

I do not wish for things that will never be - I actually rarely think about these people reentering my life. If I were to meet these people anywhere else I would not have a relationship with them because they have such low moral character so I honestly can say that I do not miss anything about them. I used to be sympathetic to my H about their refusal to talk to him but since he now places no importance on maintaining contact on his own I feel that he made his choice. If you had told me 28 years ago that the children that I cared for and did so much for would turn out like this I would not have beleved it.

I can honestly say that I did my best with my steps when they were little. The crap they accuse me of now is ridiculous (I was accused of being contolling because thier father made them tell me goodbye when they left my home). Perhaps it is their intense unfounded hatred and voiced blame towards me that now makes it easy for me to not look back. Instead of looking back, I have made the decision to concentrate only on those things that make me happy now and the people that care about me - the stepadult ingrates obviously are not counted in that number and never will be.

The fact that they are trying to manipulate my H to try to make him into a perfect father who fulfills their every stunted emotional need is their problem. The fact that H is too lazy and/or scared of the adult steps to ever try to initiate contact on his own is NOT my problem. H will never be what the adult steps want him to be and BM and the stepadults will never realize that this will never happen. Again not my problem.

It really does not matter whose fault that it is that you are where you are. It seems to me that most people on here with hateful vindictive BMs have ended up with hateful vindictive stepadults. True in some cases the fathers could have stepped up more but even if they did you still had the evil BM continually working her hatefulness in the background and there simply is no way for those children to ever feel that they can have a relationship with your H and yourself without being unloyal to her - adult or not. There is almost always only one ending to this scenario. Try not to place blame as the ending was most likely inevitable anyway. Let your H build whatever relationship he wants with the steps on his own apart from you. Not having them in your life should bring some sense of peace to your life and after 22 years of this yo yo like behavior you do deserve peace.

AVR 1962 - I am also trying to find things that make me happy, look forward not backwards and live my life for myself for a while. Its long overdue. You might try this and then see if your H fits into your new found interests and activities in any meaningful way. Doing this could help provide you the answer that you are looking for.