Thanks for the input. It gives much to consider.

I don't care if "I" meet the fiances parents or even go to this wedding - this only concerns my DH, and how HE might approach this.

Often, parents don't always know everything that their "little darlings" are doing, and how they are behaving. We do the best we can, but in the end the kids go their own way - and sometimes that is the wrong way!

We cannot assume that the daughter has told the parents everything. They may be in the dark also on many things. She could be telling them my DH can't meet them because of some excuse, just like she has told us her parents aren't able to meet my DH for some vague reason.

It could also be that she doesn't want us to meet her parents to compare notes as Jsmom suggested.

This fiance seems to be someone who is determined to get what she wants when she wants it, no matter how she has to manipulate things.

Yet again, she may have told her parents everything. Even so, as "adults" they would hopefully be able to understand that it would still be nice to meet my DH before the wedding.

We may not even get an invitation, and my DH said if we do get one, and it is once again addressed ONLY to HIM, we are NOT going.

My husband wants to go, and because it is a four to five hour drive for us, we will need to stay overnight, and he has asked me to go with him. I want to support my husband, so I will go, but I will not be going out of my way to "party" or be social. I will just be there to support him, nothing more.

His daughter didn't invite ANY of her fathers cousins or aunts or uncles - except my DH's one sister and her family. If their grandmother had lived longer SHE would have made SURE this didn't happen! She was very close to her family (she had 8 siblings) and we are often invited to weddings of cousins and relatives my DH doesn't even remember, but because he is "family" they reach out to him.

We are sure the BM was responsible for none of my DH's relatives other than his sister being invited. She didn't want anyone there who knew how crazy she is - that way she could get away with her weird behavior easier. Instead they invited old neighbors and a huge bunch of people from the grooms side of the family. We don't expect there will be anyone at this wedding other than my DH's sister and her husband, and no other relatives - so I want to be there to support him in his efforts to be the "better person" in this ugly situation.

P.S. My DH does not get paid sick days at his job, and there were, and are no paid vacation days available at the time of his daughters wedding, or of his sons upcoming wedding. In the state where we live (Michigan) he is lucky to have A job let alone extra paid vacation or paid sick days. Over 700,000 people have left our state because of the horrible economy - and we have a very high unemployment rate.

He doesn't want to take off too much time, or cause problems for the company he works for. They have been very nice to us though. The skids know of our situation, but they still act like EVERYONE can afford to do whatever their little hearts desire. Very self-centered.

I just want to add that my husband is trying to approach things so that in years to come, he can look back and see that he tried to do the right thing - while setting healthy boundaries. We are going to put "the ball" in the kids court as much as possible, and it will be THEIR decision how things turn out. If they put a lot of road blocks in their fathers way, it will be THEIR responsibility for how this all turns out over time. My DH wants to be at his only sons wedding, and if the kids don't invite us in an appropriate respectful manner it is THEIR actions that cause my DH to not come. My husband will know that he tried his best, in a mature manner.

Thanks again for the input.

Well giltridden,

I will give you a little slack because you have only been a member for six days. Yet again, why are you here on a VENTING board for stepparents, yet you don't seem to understand that part of venting is critisizing the skids and the BM? Why are you so surprised at this? Maybe because you aren't who you say you are?

Venting is part of the process of purging our frustrations and anger over being treated like crap? It take TIME, and a LOT of venting for some of us to get over all the frustration. I would appreciate you butting OUT and stop trying to control me.

These boards are supposed to be anonymous, and so I don't care if my skids see it. I have no interest in ever having a relationship with them again. They have treated me (and my DH) like crap for years, no matter how "nice" we have tried to treat them. As others have said, the more you are nice to them, the more they feel they can walk all over you. Their "walking all over us" days are at an END!

My etiquette perspective is not just my own - based on my personal limited perspective. My etiquette information is based on what has been - and still is - what etiquette experts have said for YEARS - even generations. I do not "wing it" with situations such as a wedding where it is most important to make a good effort to do the right thing - so your marriage will begin on good footing - not just an occassion for the skids to show how self-centered and immature they are.

When you want your family (especially your FATHER) to walk you down the isle, yet treat him with disrespect in all other ways, you have a lot of gall! My SD in not making an effort to make sure her own FATHER could be involved in her wedding rehearsal/dinner, is just ONE OF MANY ways she has showed him disrespect. I do not have the time, space nor interest in explaining to YOU what all the other reasons are for our being upset.

If the skids are upset about what I say here, that is THEIR PROBLEM. They should have not stalked me here and snooped. If they are worried about what others will think or find out about them on my posts, that also is THEIR PROBLEM. They should have kept their big mouths shut and not BLABBED to others where I am and what my posting name is.

There are a lot of "posers" on these boards, and people who pretend to be a stepparent, yet they are not. I get the clear impression that you may be one of them.

"I would be mad that my dad thought it was a big deal to do that. If we are going to have relationships with our stepkids, we must learn to forgive and accept them first."

Don't you think we have tried this for YEARS? It takes time to develop trust, and the skids have violated those attempts of our to develop trust, over and over again, no matter how much we tried to work things out. You really sound clueless!

If you don't like my VENTING STYLE, don't read my posts! I can VENT any way I like. After all StepTalk is a VENTING SITE!

Dear DHRNYC,

It is obvious that you are as ignorant as giltridden. If you read my posts carefully in this thread, you would know that your answer is MOOT. We don't have the brides parents address, phone number or email address....IF they even have a computer. We know for a fact that Bridezilla won't give it to us either, even if we ask nicely.
INPUT is not to have BASHING, THREATS or SHAMING elements it or it is just DESTRUCTIVE NON-CONSTRUCTIVE pontifications from the ignorant poster.

Of course my DH can introduce himself to her parents, he isn't a child, but HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO!!! That is the whole point! StepAside, you are totally right in what you say. There are a LOT of younger people (not ALL of them) who think that everyone should cater to THEM. These kids have MASTER DEGREES and they can't crack an etiquette book and read it? :O

It appears from my observations that you HRNYC and giltridden, are either my skids or their friends posting. If you aren't you are just clueless idiots.

Dear sixteensmom, why should the daughter make it so complicated for her father to be at the rehearsal/dinner? An extra $50.00 is a LOT of money for us. We are not young any longer, so yes, we needed the WHOLE MONDAY OFF to recuperate after we drove home.
According to you, my husband should have been willing and able to jump through all the hoops my SD put in his way, no matter how inconvenient or self-centered they were on her part? Get bent!

Thankyou who gave us HELPFUL MATURE information. The rest of you can go jump!

Dear giltridden,

If you post on my thread, you get what you get. If you don't like my posting about you, don't post on my thread.

You may have meant well, but I would suggest you modify your approach in how you post things. I possibly would have received your comments better if they were preceeded with - "I can empathize with you, but maybe this is how your skids are seeing it...." Instead you are stating things in such a way they appear to be very harsh and insensitive and very co-dependent.

I am not in the mood to see things from THEIR perspective. I KNOW their perspective - they are brats! I have had nine years of watching them and dealing with them. I am not in the mood for a stranger to try and tell me I have not been fair to them.

It might be best if you please not post on my threads in the future, because we are at opposite ends of the pole when it comes to "being fair minded" and trying to see things from both sides. I have done that and all I got was CRAP. The gloves are off now, and I am taking no prisoners! They have poked the bear one too many times! I would suggest you not poke the bear either, because this bear is ready to chew on someones butt!

I have had to work on my husband for years to get him to see that his kids are manipulating him. Finding this site, and other advice from counselors, our pastor and friends has helped him "see the light" so to speak.

He is totally supportive in my ranting here. I think he would rather I rant here than in his ear!

My ranting here - and my SS's fiance stalking me here - and their reading my posts, and then "feeling" (there's that word again)that their "rights and privacy" have been infringed upon by my posting here anonymously under an alter ego, using no names, places, etc...has also helped wake my husband up to how self-centered they are. They don't seem to see at all that MY PRIVACY has been violated MORE then theirs! They have gossiped to their friends, family, etc... and these people they told know our name, where we live, what we look like!

My DH first began to really wake up by how his daughter, her new husband, his EX and his son - and all their friends treated him at his daughters wedding. Other mature adults at the wedding were coming up to us commenting on how disrespectful the others were being to my DH! :O

There is a LOT I haven't shared here on these boards, so believe me, I - and especially my DH - have GOOD REASON to be ticked off and down right angry at these brats.

Weddings are stressful enough without the extra drama. Every move we made or make to try and help them is met with rude, disrespectful, childish behavior. As soon as we think things have settled down, they come up with some new way to be snots. And of cours if we complain, or set boundaries with them, we aren't being "fair". :sick:

Etiquette helps society be civilized. It helps interpresonal relationships run smoother - versus everyone doing what "feels good" to them, and to hell with how others are affected by our inconsiderate actions.

Weddings should be the height of GOOD MANNERS. It should be a time when extra care is taken to help your FAMILY and GUESTS feel they are appreciated for supporting you and coming to your wedding. People are traveling to your wedding destination (which can be far away), spending money on rooms, clothes, gas, buying you a presnt or giving you money,.....It is NOT the time to demand, impose, stamp your feet, have a fit because you think "It is MY special day, everything should be focused on ME and what I want."

If manners weren't so important, why are there so many books written about them? Emily Post books have been published for over 100 years, and she now has her own web site to help people deal with different situations.

My observations show me that there are quite a few people on these boards who are as clueless as our skids. I find this sad.

Yes, my husband and I could just be quiet and be co-dependent enablers and don't have any expectations from these little darlings. That's what their mother is doing, and she is creating little narcissistic jerks, but catering to their every desire or pushing them to think of OTHERS and not just themselves.

So, to answer your question giltridden, my husband supports me 100% in my ranting here and in my decision to disengage from the kids.

We are just trying to get past this wedding (the second one in under one year) and then we are hoping things will settle down. The kids go their way, and we go ours.

I know my DH will like to try and keep up some sort of communication with his kids, but I have NO INTEREST on my part, and he is going to be careful how, when and where he does keep in contact with them. In the meantime......

We can use that "shoot apart" inertia to go in a new direction to have FUN!!!! Weeeeeeee.