Hmm. I lean more towards telling her. Because IF she were to find out sometime in the future, she would probably be angry and hurt that she was lied to. It totally sucks that she was abandoned by her bio dad, but I think she'd be better off knowing the truth. But then again, I've never lived through it like you have, so IDK.

Hmmm...some factors to think of...haven't been in the situation but I might want to know for 1)medical reasons 2)sheer curiousity (I've read so many stories about people who didn't feel complete without knowing who their real parents were). But I see your point too...thinking you were unwanted. Do you know the circumstances behind everything? Maybe that would help. And personally, I would rather be hurt with the truth than comforted with a lie. That's just me though.

I would probably tell. Better to hear it from you than someone else years later as an accidental slip or a malicious act.

let me tell you about my situation... My parents never told me that my daddy is not my daddy well my aunt got mad at my mom for stupid reasons and she told me in a very hurtful and nasty way.

Now when i comforted my parents they never said that daddy is my dad or not just that I belong where i am. To this day they will not confirm or deny or let me know know one way or the other. That is the worst to not know for sure either way.

Now if you don't tell her someone else just might then where will you be? Is it not better to come form you then the way i found out and I still don't know either way. I still harbor a few ill feelings over this whole thing b/c I don't really know and my parents refuse to talk about it.

My point is there is ALWAYS the chance that someone else will tell her. Are you willing to take that risk?

My cousin got really messed up in the head because of a similar situation. My aunt got pregnant and married to a guy who ended up abusive. She got divorced while she was preggo. When cousin was still little, she met and married another guy. Cousin grew up thinking that this was her bio-dad.

High school comes around and eventually, my blonde-haired, blue-eyed cousin is asking her mom (my aunt) why kids at school are picking on her and calling her Half-Breed. Aunt still doesn't take the chance to tell my cousin the truth.

Truth didn't actually come out until the guy my cousin thought was her DAD molested her.

Although I know your situation wouldn't turn out this way, I STILL think that it is best if the child knows their heritage from a young age. It doesn't change the fact of who cares for who but it does keep the child from feeling betrayed.

The truth, even if it hurts. If she found out later in life that you lied to her, the pain would be much bigger and she would doubt everyone and everything. Her whole life would seem like a lie. I think it would have been best if she had been raised with this knowledge, as a matter of fact, without it ever having to become a revelation or a big deal. Too late for that now, so the next best thing is honesty asap. I would try and convey it as matter of factly and in a reassured manner. If you announce it as devastating news, she may think of it even more that way. Say it like you understand this may be big....but it's going to be ok, and try and really believe that it is. She is a lucky girl to have been loved so dearly by a man that is not her father and eventually, after the sting is gone, she may actually have a new appreciation for what good people are like and how lucky she's been.

I think it's best to tell her the truth. There may come a time when your daughter needs specific medical treatment, and your husband will not be able to help. Probably not a good time for the truth to come out. It usually always does, so best to tell her yourself.

My first husband grew up thinking his youngest sister was his cousin. It was a big mess when his mother finally told everyone, because all the siblings felt lied to, which they were.

TNT - I am adopted but was old enough so I always knew it but when I asked my mother why my mother did not want me she said - Listen you were wanted by your father and I whereas your sister we did not have a choice she was born to us - so always remember you were very much wanted and you are very much loved - and quite frankly after that when my sister would get cocky with me I would just say "Hey I was wanted with you they did not have a choice" That use to shut her up when we were young - lol

I have always felt that just because you could shoot a wad into some woman or carry a baby for 9 months it did not make you a mom or a dad - it is the 18 years that follow the birth that really matters!!

You will know when the time is right but make sure she is old enough to handle it!!

Lies do nothing but destroy..
You should always tell her the truth.
Yes the truth hurts but it hurts more
if she finds out that you lied.
My daughter is adopted and she knows that and she
is 7. I think you not telling her the truth is going
to bite you real hard in the ass and in the end.

My dad grew up thinking the man that he called "Dad" was his father. When he was an adult, his father sat him down and told him that while he loves him like the son he is, he was not the man who gave him life. Told him that his mother had been married to a man who basically just vanished when things got rough after getting married and having a baby. My dad was less than a year old when his "real" father just took off and didn't even leave his wife a note beyond "I'm done. Can't be a husband and dad. Don't hate me."

My grandmother remarried when my dad was a little over two. By the time my dad was 3 he was legally adopted by his mother's new husband.

It killed my dad to find out like that in many ways. He felt lied to, no matter how much he understood the why. He never sought out his bio-dad. Had no interest in a man who would abandon his wife and baby that way. When his father, the man that raised him and loved him, was terminally ill, he moved in with his parents to make sure that his father got the care he needed. Even with the weight loss, he was a big man (6'3") and there was no way his wife could move him without danger to them both, so my Dad did it.

The fact is, parents are more who is there for you than who gave you life. My dad wonders about his bio-dad, just because he knows he looks like him. He knows the gist of family history from that side of his genetics. Mostly he just wonders why. But when he talks about his dad, he is talking about the man that was there for him. The one that taught him how to ride a bike, and how to swim. The one that took him deep sea fishing and gave him his first set of keys to his first car.

Tell the truth. You don't have to answer all the hard questions, the ugly ones. Just be upfront. Just my two cents

ok I'm going to give another example b/c obviously the one about me and finding out the way I did meant nothing b/c quite frankly I was pissed and devastated along with not knowing either way is still very upsetting to me and I am don;t trust my parents like I used too.

So I told my dd that her dad is not her dad a long time ago and she looked at me and said "mom I already know I could see it and feel it and I am glad you told me" she felt relief and wanted to name of her real father but unfornatly it was too late he had been in a freak accident and died the year before. She never got to know her dad or ever met him. She however is upset that she didn't get too but she took it better then for how it could have turned out. i mean she could have found out later and not by me and she would have been pissed as she told me so and should probably never would have spoken to me again.

If you can live with the thought that your dd may not ever want you in her life again after she finds out and yes she will find out. SOMEONE WILL TELL HER. That is not an if but a when. Do some research on how many times out 10 found out the truth. I think you will be very surprised when you see for yourself that she will find out.

I think it is better to come from you then another person and risk her never having anything to do with you again.
Good for you and your dh for not wanting to know however that is not the case in MOST situations.

Honestly I think everyone on here is wasting their time posting anything.
I feel that way because I think that the poster was looking for others
that agreed with her and found the opposite.

Tell her the truth or spare her the pain..doesn't make sense when your
mind is already made up..

Peace..

Ironically while you think you are sparing her pain now...you are actually going to be causing much more pain in the future. Kids can take these kinds of things. She might be upset at first, as anyone would be, but she will get over it. The pain of finding out, as an adult, that you have been lied to and about your whole life by the people who are supposed to love you the most will be a FAR worse pain. You are robbing her of her history and genetics, and her story. Nobody's life comes in cookie cutter form, we all have interesting things that have led us to become who we are as people. You are taking the truth of who she is from her, without her permission. You are just fooling yourself if you think you are sparing her pain by not telling her, and also you are going to damage any future relationship you might have with her as an adult once she finds out...and she will find out.