Christmas morning? Are you kidding me?
I never once had an issue with my SO going to BM's house Christmas morning to watch the kids open gifts. No, I never went before and don't care to. But after everything that went down this past month I feel it's incredibly crazy for him to even consider going there Christmas morning. I think it's maybe things need to change! And I don't think I'm selfish for saying it at all. Here's the story - if you don't know me.
About a month ago my SO told BM that it wasn't fair to me that them two talk unless it has to do with the kids. She backed off for like 2 days then randomly text him unnecessary things about the kids. I guess just to make her presence known.. that she was still alive (damn!). Two weeks later, she tried texting and calling him and he wasn't responding. She was saying, "It's really important please call me," like 6 times within an hour. (Dang, if it was THAT important then maybe she should have text it.) She said something like YOU never had a problem talking to me before HER. She's now calling him like crazy. I said Christ, answer the phone so we can get this over with. She winds up telling him she still loved him. He said it could never be and that he really loved me and wanted to marry me. I was in the other room spying while they were talking. When she got knocked down she turns her aggression at me and emails me telling me how they slept together and basically tried to break us up. We're 30 something yr old adults.. I didn't think this stupid stuff still went on! She really had me thinking my SO slept with her. Now I'm slightly paranoid and want him to have very little to do with her because of all this. I mean especially if she has feelings like this for him. Like I said, I never had a problem with her until this whole thing happened.
He gets a text from her the other day when he went hunting saying, "I just found out deer season doesn't start till Monday and you left Friday. You were never a good liar. If you got married congratulations. Hope this marriage works out much better for you." His response was like, "WTF are you talking about. Me, and three other guys from my work made it a weekend thing." I read this and was like what right does she even have to ask him anything like that? Next day, she texts him, "So when are you taking me and the kids to NYC. Separate rooms of course." His response, "That's not gonna happen." Her response, "Whatever. Couldn't hurt to ask. I'll find a way to take my kids there for a mini vacation." Then minutes later she goes, "Don't be angry with me. It was really just a thought. Me and the kids will get there sometimes. Have fun and be safe. Good luck getting a deer." Ok.. ok.. what the hell??
After reading all that.. Am I crazy or selfish to say, "Sorry, hun, I definitely don't want you going to her place Christmas morning."? I understand they live over an hour away but couldn't they just come to our place and open up gifts from dad or do it Christmas Eve??
I've been REALLY holding back on contacting her and bitching her out. I mean it's getting to that point. These past few texts just got to me. Of course, he didn't tell me about them.. I snooped.. but still! I'm so close to snapping on her and telling her to stay out of his life that involves me not her and a good other few choice words. God, I wanna snap!!
damn stupid BM....geez they
damn stupid BM....geez they have a cheek to do that shit....
Doesnt she realize that she is an ex....wld she like it if ex girlfriends were calling her man wen they were together???
she is an idiot
no need to pretend happy family stuff on xmas morn....kids dont wanna be around fighting ex parents....its not in their best interest.....see them and do the present thing the night before or something like that....make a big breaky or next day do a special lunch for you him and kids....you can really turn it up and put her stupid nose out of joint for ever
Put it to him this
Put it to him this way.
"Honey, you have a choice.
1. You can either tell her, These are the boundaries: no more communication unless its an emergency regarding the kids.
2. Continue to communicate with BM without such boundaries.
If you chose option number 2, I have no choice but to end this relationship".
And mean it.
The ball is in his court.
I agree and I would
I agree and I would personally block BM's phone number from both of your phones. Only allow email communication. With the capability of doing email directly through your phone there should be no problem if there is an emergency to get a message to one another.
The fact that bm said she
The fact that bm said she still loved him is WAY reason enough he should not go there Christmas morning.
Speak up, speak now. And for the record, she isnt gonna stop with this behavior until he stops taking the bait.
My bf's BM did the same exact
My bf's BM did the same exact thing. It got to me but thats what they want. She would text telling him she still loved him and wanted to make it work for the kid and would always want to meet and I told my BF if he had any ounce of respect for me he wouldnt go and that it was very disresectful to me. He wouldnt go and told her he wasnt going to direspect me anymore and to only talk to him about the kid and she finally got that he didnt want her.
Well there is no sure way to
Well there is no sure way to completely cut out any hassle in trying to get your bf to maintain boundaries with BM and this includes NOT going over to her home, yes, even on xmas day! However, there are ways to minimise as much stress for you and to build a stronger stepfamily - so long as bf wants this too - and this is to REALLY put your foot down.
So many SM, try the reasonable route when it comes to unreasonable behaviour from their partner, the ex and the skids - because ofcourse its a complex situation - but your BM isnt going to listen to sanity, she is too caught up in trying to weasle back into bf's pants and if HE doesnt understand how serious this is, your relationship will fall apart. So, if you are going to fight for him and more importantly respect for yourself, from bf, then time to brace yourself and tighten your steel in your backbone by giving bf an ultimatum.
I am not a great fan of these but there is a time for them, and this is one of those. At what point if bf going to stop this habit/tradition? When you leave?!!
Personally I would tell him. You either choose. Me or her. You cant have both and if you choose me, then you begin to REALLY put us first and stop giving BM the opportunity to hurt you, your relationship. Going over there on xmas morning will give BM this opportunity - she has already accused bf on cheating on you with her, well I am sorry but that would be in my head and who is to say she doesnt drag that out again and why should you have to listen to it? Your bf should be trying to prevent that as its deeply unfair to you. I dont care if their children "need" dad that morning. Thats bull. They can come over boxing day, or you can have them next year (if BM lets you).
I also think your bf is feeding BM's drama in replying to her ridiculous texts. Does he want a conversation with her? Then why is he even replying? He is giving her exactly what BM wants in doing so, attention, a reply, so she can carry on her silliness and continue texting because she has an audience=your bf. IGNORE her. If she continues, then I would consider getting a cheap pay as you go mobile phone and only give BM that number (keeping bf's other one for his friends and family - he can change the # of that one to ensure BM doesnt interupt), and he can screen her calls, leaving them go to voicemail to see if he really needs to respond. If she tricks him and she doesnt need to discuss anything to do with skids, then bf should say "sorry told you, only call me if its to do with kids" and put the phone down.
Change your house number, get call screening. If she rings and threatens you, report her to the police and keep ALL threatening/crazy communications as evidence.
Your bf has choosen you to be with, that comes with a responsibility too. Meaning, he should go to reasonable lengths to protect that relationship and your feelings first and foremost. Going over there on xmas day, answering texts, justifying himself (why did he do that regarding going away hunting with friends? What business is it of hers?), even though he is telling her no he isnt interested is feeding her craziness, her perception that she can have him - these will give her hope that he is interested, it doesnt matter how many times he TELLS her, he needs to SHOW her.
As a side note, its important too that the skids realise their parents arent going to get back together - BM may be telling them this (after all she is deluded) and even if she isnt, bf needs to illustrate that you, bf and the skids are a new unit, with new traditions and doing anything that conflicts with this message is communicating to them there is a possiblity of a chance that bf and BM will get back together or at the least, there can still be *family* time together which excludes you (not a good message for cohesiveness involving you) and this will happen for other things e.g. plays at school, birthday parties, holidays together, family days out, weddings, christenings!!!
you know....im just wondering
you know....im just wondering wot my crazy bm and her selfish little brats are brewing up for xmas....
My DH family have disowned them skids for their role in trying to break us up....so Im thinking....I bet my bottom dollar that psycho bm and the skids are dreaming up a xmas day/morning of demands of dad to come around and see them....and no me of course....or maybe it will be a 'cant you take us somewhere'?
:sick:
UPDATE UPDATE. Ugh. I had the
UPDATE UPDATE.
Ugh. I had the talk with him last night about how I think it's wrong to go to the BM's house on Christmas morning and that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea for them to come later on Christmas day to open the gifts he bought. Well.. shit hit the fan. I couldn't believe it! He said if I go Christmas morning I'm going to see the KIDS not my EX. It has nothing to do with her. I said but you're going to her house after all this crap went down only like a month ago with her flipping out on me and you and screwed us up. So many other things were said. He told me to stop talking about her it has nothing to do with her. He chose to sleep on the couch last night. We had a kids bday party to go to tonight and now he said he's not going but going out instead. Things are bad right now..
I can't stand it anymore..
OMG..... I feel so sorry for
OMG.....
I feel so sorry for you.....
This is not fair....you shouldnt be having to feel like this....its his issue...not yours...he was the fn dickhead that married her and forgot to wear a condom...
I would be saying how you were looking fwd to putting on a special xmas thing for the Kids...that you have something half planned and now your all disappointed that you cant do it....see what he says....
IMHO you all should be able to have a special xmas thing together and he would like it more than pretending to be all happy families at her place...she propably has the inlaws there etc....eeewww...you dont need that....
^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^ is the
^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^ is the perfect, perfect response. Very well put ripley....(believe it or not)
yeah I agree with riply....do
yeah I agree with riply....do suggest this...I was suggesting the same sort of scenario but dont have enough time to put it so concisely as Riply...she is an expert....
and I also agree with the last bit.....wot does your man want.....sounds to me he may be a bit on the bus off the bus....happy with you but not on significant days for his kids....
so you need to remind him that ex BM is wanting him to do this xmas thing....I would be very suprised if your DH organised it....men dont do that...women and crazy ex bm's do that stuff and your dh is used to being told what happens at xmas thanksgiven etc.....and I suspect he isnt having a say in it and that he is being told wot time etc....so is that what he wants to go on for the rest of his life???? heaven forbid.....tell him you can organise a much nicer xmas where the kids will benefit from a more happy content parents
All of this going over to the
All of this going over to the BM's place for;
1. "family" dinners
2. christmas morning
3. insert festival of your choice
is setting the children up for a big fall. they naturally think that the BM and biodad are getting back together with all this activity going on. And if a BM will PAS out the children, they'll also lead the children to believe that mommykins and daddykins are getting back together again, you can bet your BOOTS on that one!!!
Yet another update. Sorry it
Yet another update.
Sorry it took a while to respond back. Pepsi spilled all over my keyboard so I was keyboard-less for a while!
Anyway. After he chose to sleep on the couch once I brought all of this up about Christmas and what not, the next night we got in a worse fight. Full blown screaming. But maybe that's what needed to happen? He apologized, I apologized, and days later he flipped out on BM. He said to me that he has her not listening to him when he says to stop texting and has me arguing about her every day. He got fed up with it and lashed out. Before I bitched about the texting BM was contacting him like a friend would.. So I bitched.. She stopped contacting him for 2 days.. Started up again.. I said it again.. And now she started texting almost every single day about something stupid and random about the kids. I'm not sure what he said to her when he flipped out on her but he read me the text she sent him after he screamed at her. Here's the text with my bitchy remarks in parenthesis:
"The call left me confused (That probably happens often)- didn't realize texts and calls regarding your kids is off limits. Thank you for speaking to me the way u did- I have always loved the "respect" you've shown. I would encourage u to not flatter yourself any longer. I "moved on" 5 years ago when I moved out and waited for u to sign divorce papers. (Oh, you moved on? Really? Cause I swear it was only like last month where you were telling MY fiance that you were still in love with him and tried to break us up.) It does make me sad that I have to "push" a relationship between u and the kids. (Sweetie, it's not your responsibility. My fiance is old enough to make decisions for himself.) The younger ones have far more interest than u do- they just want a dad. Since u saw them last, when was the last time u called to see how they are? I just proved my point. So, u and the insecure gf that sadly u choose over the children, will be thrilled to know there will be no more communication with me. Hope u have a nice christmas and I will continue to pray for u. Take care." (Oh, I'll have a nice Christmas knowing you gave me the best Christmas gift of not communicating with my FDH! haha.)
I love how she calls me insecure. If I'm insecure I have EVERY damn right to be and if she can't see that then she has psychological problems. But I believe I just want boundaries made and sure, I'm fighting for my relationship to last. As I said it was only a month ago that she tried her best at telling him how much she still loved him and wanted to try and work things out. When that didn't work out she attempted to break us up by saying she slept with him on two different occasions. All said and done, that's my reaction from her psycho actions..
My friend says this all sounds like a Lifetime movie. I should title it.. HA!