I feel like my basic rights are not acknowledged!
I have a 21 year old SD, who is in college, and who has finally, after a year decided to stop mooching off of us and get a real job... Thank God!!! However, I still am unsure when she will pop in unannounced, or if she does call us, it's to see if we are home and to tell us that she is on her way over, but never to ask if it is ok to stop in.
She has a laptop that I gave her last year to use for college, she also has internet, and yet she comes to our house to use our computer, which is in our bedroom - since we (the parents) are the only ones who use it at our house. The other day she just waltzed in to our bedroom with out knocking and I was completely naked in bed, while her dad was hurridly getting into his jeans! I was completely horrified! I made a smart comment about catching us in the act, but it doesn't seem to faze her. Now she does call in advance, but if we don't answer she still comes over.
Lately she has been coming over to get food or to raid our liquor cabinet, and I am just so sick of feeling like my home is not my own. She constantly asks her dad for money, and when it is all said and done, she ends up with more money from him than either of my two children ever get. I put off buying them clothes, because she is constantly "needing" to go to the doctor, dentist, tanning salon, on vacation... the list never ends. The rules that my children are expected to abide by do not seem to pertain to her. She leaves her stuff laying around whereever she wants when she comes to our house and doesn't take it home with her when she leaves. Our garage has become her storage space. I have a new art studio that I JUST set up, and before I could even paint in it, she went and got a canvas and started painting. I was nearly in tears! My husband thinks that I am overreacting to this...
She doesn't speak to her BM unless she wants something and then wants me to feel sorry for her because her mother only wants to run her life. I also think that her mother is a money hungry parasite, that would as soon have her daughter go without than give her ANY of her inheritance. I have absolutely no use for that woman, and her daughter has definately taken cues from her.
I don't know what more I can do or say, as I have brought this all up with my husband, who feels like his daughter has been let down by her mom and he doesn't want to let her down too.
I feel angry and taken advantage of... and mostly like I just want to walk around my house naked if I want too! Please help me with any advice that you have.
I feel crazy!
Thank you for your support! I think that I am going crazy most of the time, or that I am being unduly selfish. I hate feeling so out of control and resentful, but I have no idea what to do with an adult child that is so completely unaware of what is normal and what is not. My two little kids get into trouble for doing things that they then watch her do... like leaving her stuff all over. I just feel so frustrated! And when I do tell my husband, whom I love VERY much, he says he understand and that he supports me. But I know that he feels torn between us, which is really unfair too! Normally I feel like I am a very mature person, but I feel incredibly immature when I am dealing with this situation.
My husband also says that he knows she will be gone after college and doesn't want to drive her away before it's time for her to go. And I keep thinking that maybe I can last another 2 years, but then something else happens and I get frustrated again.
I agree completely
Fearless said it all. And quite calmly I add.
Some new laws need to be laid down. Either that or get the keys to her place and start 'dropping by', let's see how she likes it.
Syb, the one letting her down is DAD.
And here's why... he has a prime opportunity to put her on the path to independence, which can only benefit HER in the long run, and he's not taking advantage of it. If he doesn't see this and do something about it now, then in ten years he'll have a 31yo doing the same thing.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Anne, so true that in 10
Anne, so true that in 10 years there will be a 31 year old doing the same thing. My ss is almost 40 years old and daddy still takes care of and enables him to be irrisponsible.
His parents divorced when he was THREE and at 39 years old, he is still playing it for all it's worth and has never been made (or allowed) to grow up and live in the real world.
I am so glad I found this site!!!
OMG! I cannot believe that I found someplace where there are really other people who have the same situations and issues and at least have some insight on what is another approach or idea of some way to deal with this.
Welcome!
We're just the blind leading the blind here, but hey, misery loves company! WELCOME!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Want to know what I did!!!
This is SIMPLE...
My BIL used to live with us. Finally, (and thank gawd!) he moved out. But he used to repeatedly just waltz on in to our home after the fact because why? HE HAD A KEY- you know the same one that he used when he lived here. And I was constantly paranoid that if I waltzed around my home, naked... because, I don't know... NO ONE HOME AND I COULD... dah. Or, because I needed a towel from the pile of laundry that is sitting in the chair before I jumped in the shower last minute... and welll geesh... NO ONE HOME. Well, DH talked to him about calling and knocking, but to no avail did he really 'get it'. (Which I just can't figure out how could you not?!?!)
But yes, one day, guess what happened... I waltz out to my living room, naked, to get a towel... keys are jiggling in the front door, and guess who walks in?!?! Yeah, I guess I must be a natural exhibitionist... now hand me a dollar! DH had a chat with him, and he of course was quite embarrassed. Said he'd call from now on... thanks. (I'm pretty sure this man was like the 40 year old virgin... trust me, I thought he'd never get a girlfriend!)
Well, then, DH and I were having a, um romantic evening, and well, we were um, in the living room... guess what happens? Keys start jiggling in the front door... I never saw my husband run sooo fast to slam that door deadbolt closed... where was the phone call?!?!?
So, we changed the locks. End of story. Now, he calls, and we let him in, when HE KNOCKS. No more keys. (And I was home the moment that 'for some reason, the key won't work anymore? Hmmm.' I didn't let him in! LOL.)
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Set boundaries
I have a similar situation and it's an easy solution IF your husband will support you. The SD must call and check to see if it's okay for her to stop by. It's your home and you and your husband set the rules. It's not okay to raid the fridge or the cupboards unless she checks with the both of you. Leaving her clothes around is not okay - I'd get a big container and dump them in there. If she doesn't pick it up in a set time it goes to Goodwill. She cannot use or borrow anything without PRIOR persmission. Certain areas (like your studio or bedroom) are out of bounds. Try to convince your husband that it's not a punishment and that it teaches the SD about respect, accountability and boundaries and that you need his support and respect. My husband is finally coming around but I had to stand firm and let him be angry for awhile. Good luck!
A Man Needs a Woman's Strength
We are powerful as women when we remember that we are and that our men want us to be. Not bitter, not angry. Just firm, gentle and STRONG. This means being as strong as you are with your little ones as with the SD. It means saying, "please step outside, we are enjoing our privacy. I will tell you when you can come in." Or, "if you leave anything on the floor today, it will go inte trash." (And then, throwing it in the trash, Yes. actually put it out! Your husband may get mad unless you can convince him to do the same or support you, but if you are gentle and sweet, and keep explaining to your husband that she is setting a bad example for your little ones and haven't you made enough mistakes already with the older ones, he will secretly be grateful.
Firm. Strong. Gentle. Unwavering. Through guilt, resentment and remorse to the wind.
You have a touugh road, and your little ones will actually turn out to be better human beings if they understand the value of not having or sacrifice, but don't let them learn that they have to get walked on! It is not your man's fault that he has no backbone when it comes to his BD. They rarely can help themselves.
Terrible
I'm afraid you should have stopped this in the beginning! Tell her in no uncertain terms that she is NOT welcome to just drop by. She can call first to see if your not busy but clearly explain its your house and thats just common courtesy. If you need to change the locks to do right away, but this young lady has gone beyond rudeness!
This really isn't my fight
This really isn't my fight or my problem and I usually just put anonymous responses in File 13, but I have to respond to this. This anon poster suggests telling her HUSBAND'S CHILD that she is NOT WELCOME to just drop by. Wow. Does that bother anyone else or is it just me? I cannot imagine hearing either my parents or my in-laws tell me or my husband that we're "not welcome to just drop by." I would never in a zillion years say that to any of my children, step or bio. I just think that's cold. Privacy is a nice commodity, yes, but would I break my child's heart to get it? Hell, no. Some things are just more important than others. But I guess that's for each of us to decide personally. Setting boundaries I am 100% for, but telling them they are not welcome? No way.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
I don't think it's wrong...
You're dealing with an adult, not a child. I think another thing that people forget is that children grow up. They become adults. As an adult, you are expected to present respect and responsiblity.
So, are we looking at this as if this is a young 8 yr old CHILD, or as if this is an ADULT? See in my mind, I'm separating it. Yes, it's alarming to us to think, Oh, I would NEVER do that to MY child... who is a child, but when that child is an adult, then what? They leave the nest and roost somewhere else, right? I hope that made sense?
Sometimes, you have to take the 'connection' away and step back from the issue to recess it. I won't say you're not welcome, but I get the jest of what the Anon. poster is going at. But setting boundaries... 100%.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Without
a doubt mostly everyone is in agreement that she has to start calling first. Not just dropping by, in fact my husband and I expect that from anyone, whether its family, inlaws, or friends. Sann could take her out to lunch and tell her in a gentle way, and hopefully that will be the end of it. If not then the more extreme approach needs to be taken, changing locks and locking up the liquor cabinent, but hopefully it won't come to that.
Knock knock!!
Who's there - but it isn't a joke. Now that my SD has moved out I think that it's common courtesy to give a ring before you drop by. We may have guests over, we may be uhhhh "indisposed" I might have the flu etc. What caused me to ask for the ring is that my husband frequently travels and one late night early morning visit, 12-1 ish in the morning, from my SD freaked me out. I heard noises and thought that it might be SD but really didn't know. I don't ask that my SD knock before coming into our home just a ring to let us know. To me - it's common courtesy and not meant as a put down. When she was younger we did ask that the Biomom call before coming over with SD and we did the same. All families have different comfort zones and privacy levels and you need to understand and respect those boundaries without making a bigger issue than it is.
My dh is a "knocker" i am a
My dh is a "knocker" i am a "non knocker" it made dh uncomfortable that i had an open door policy.
But guess what? My dh lives with me. That makes it his house too. I wouldnt feel right knowing my dh is uncomfortable in his own home because of my own relaxed "rule". It is more important to me for my partner to feel comfortable in the home he lives in, in our home, than for me to worry about offending a few others over asking them to knock before barging in.
Discuss the details of knocking. Does this person want the "guests" to knock and be let in? Or will a knock and come in do? What about a knock and the guest opens the door and says hello loudly? Maybe a phone call sayin were on our way over, and no knock?