Still can't accept the SD2 - part II
SD2 here again for the long holiday weekend.It's been a year and my feelings towards her are even worse - I can't look her in the eye...when she walks into the room I walk out. Drives me insane that she calls me "mommy". I know she's only 2, but...it was so bad this weekend, and painfully obvious to everyone and especially my SO that I wanted nothing to do with her. I feel horrible, but I can't help it. It's gotten so bad my SO says get over it or move on. Do I love kids? Sure! But she's not mine. Tried to be nice and took her to the mall to get her pic taken with Santa along with SO - and I walked ten steps behind them in the mall,I couldn't even bring myself to be associated with her. Love my SO more than anything in the world and can't imagine my life without him but for the life of me can't figure out why I can't get past this.
Let me be clear - I don't
Let me be clear - I don't hate her - it's simply being around her that is extremely difficult. And let me be clear that I am always pleasant to her no matter what. There is nothing negative or destructive about the way I act towards her - I am not mean or cruel, and am always as helpful as I can be when she needs me. I am human, after all. But truth be told, I have zero interest in her. Why do I dislike her? It goes back to my very first post - summed up, my current SO is also my ex-husband - who told me I better never get pregnant, and after our divorce went ahead and had SD with someone else. So yes, a HUGE amount of resentment there. Will I consider counseling? You bet! It's my only option at this point. I don't know if my feelings will change. I pray to God they do. As far as getting out the the relationship - not even a thought in my mind. I think I'm very lucky to have found someone so perfect for me. We realized we made a huge mistake in getting divorced. I swear I'd be the happiest woman alive if it weren't for SD. So how do you work around something you can't change? I realize I'm not going to get professional guidance here, and will seek it elsewhere, but was simply looking for common-ground feedback.
I hate long posts but realize
I hate long posts but realize if I don't give out every little detail people will make assumptions. So I'll close this up by saying "painfully obvious" only means that others notice me being teary-eyed when she is around because of just how frustrated I am. I treat her as I would any of my other children - read to her, give her baths, let her help me cook dinner...but what I'm really feeling is that I don't want to be anywhere near her. My attitude change is more so with my SO than anyone else. With her? Everything's on the up-and-up. Enough said.
Kids are masters at reading
Kids are masters at reading facial expressions and body language. You may think she doesn't know, but if she doesn't yet, she will eventually.
I implore you to seek out counseling. Have you told your SO about the fact that there is some resentment that he didn't want to have kids with you but then went and had a kid with someone else after you guys split up?
He says "Get over it or move on." I have to say I agree with him. A romantic relationship is very important, even the most important thing for kids to see and witness as they are growing up, but if you cannot find love for this child, it will poison the relationship you have. She will eventually realize that you are "just going through the motions."
Seek out some help with someone that can truly help you forge through what is obviously a very complicated morass of emotions to see if you can get over this. It will make your relationship stronger, and it will make you stronger.
I think you're putting your
I think you're putting your SO in an no win situation, I didn't read your other blogs so I'm not sure why you divorced. With that being said, it must have been something you all could have worked on because it didn't stop you two from getting back together. This is his child weather you like it or not, it's not her fault. I agree with echo as usual, you do need counseling and I'm saying this with the upmost respect.
I'll be the first to admit
I'll be the first to admit that while all of this venting is a wonderful stress reliever, I do realize that I am not receiving professional advice here, and that I will need to speak to a counselor. I do appreciate all of the wonderful feedback though, and can't make it any more clear that I have in no way treated SD badly, ever, at any point. If I walked out of a room, there were 6 other people in it and honestly don't think she even noticed (she's 2 and preoccupied) Better than to see me stand there and cry, for EVERYONE'S sake. Difficult to look at her? Of course! I see a mixture of my husband and someone else. If you say that it doesn't irritate you sometimes to see the BM in the face of the skid (especially when BM is what she is) and see that mixed in with the features of someone you love, I don't believe it for a second. I realize I have a difficult road ahead of me.
I sort of understand the
I sort of understand the situation that you are in. DH and I were friends for a long time, he actually had a crush on me prior to having SD, but never flat out told me and altho we flirted it didn't go anywhere at the time and then he got with BM and viola SD is here. I have thought so many times how if one of us had just been a little more forward with one another that I wouldn't have to deal with SD and her BSC mother's family at all.
I think we both need to let go of the coulda, woulda, should've, type thoughts bc I really think that is why I get so hung up on the whole mess.
Yes, you're right. Hard to
Yes, you're right. Hard to let go of though sometimes. A LOT of the time. If I only knew then what I know now..
Get help now...if you
Get help now...if you struggle this much when she's 2 and pretty harmless...you will snap when she goes through puberty. Heck...my biokids push me to the point of wanting to ninja kick them at times. Do it for the man you love...you will eventually(probably sooner than later) push him to choose between you or his daughter and if he is a decent man, he'll pick her. Good luck!
"Wanting to ninja kick them
"Wanting to ninja kick them at times" LOL OT brought back a funny memory: When DH#1 was going through puberty, mind you she never gave us any real trouble, I had a dream that she and I were fist fighting on the front lawn! And I was winning!