SD 12 year old- And so it begins!
I recently moved in with my bf who has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is 12. She and I get along pretty well. He's on a regular visitation schedule so he doesn't have her all the time.
My kids all all older (22, 21, 19). None of them live with us.
I notice from time to time that she's disrespectful to her dad and to me, as well, we both correct her on it. she doesn't seem to know how to act or behave correctly, always walking on the furniture, messing with stuff, sitting with her legs spread open in the air while playing with her feet.
She has issues with food. She won't eat hardly anything. We both fight with her constantly. I've noticed lately that she always asks to go to the restroom about 10 mins into the meal. When it's a meal she doesn't like, that is.
I've started telling her to go to the restroom before the meal now.
Her mom is not a lot of help. Obviously she has not worked with her or tried to teach her to behave like a young woman at all. I have raised to girls so I know you have to teach them. They don't just know. Basically, she has no manners and acts like a 5 year old instead of 12.
She uses her charm and whining and baby talk to get my bf to do what she wants.
He's not consistent. She's started calling him now right before his weekend to tell him she has a party to go to.....and then expects him to rearrange his entire schedule for her. We live about 2 hours from his daughter and her mom.
Recently, my bf's sister had a baby. My bf was supposed to call his daughter to let her know the news. His daughter and her family live in the same town as his sister. And they all know each other.
He ended up so busy that he forgot to call her. The next day, his daughter calls him to gripe him out for not letting her know. When he responded to her accusations, she got mad, hung up & then refused to answer her cell phone. He had to call her mom to tell her to get the daughter back on the phone. Ended up.. the next day we were planning to go see the baby, we had to drive an extra hour roundtrip out of our way to pick up his daughter just so that she could go with us to see the baby. This not only took up time, it was a waste of time. His daughter couldn't care less about the baby, she was more interested in playing with the sharpies in the hospital room. And begging for chicken strips at 4:30 in the afternoon. Saying that she hadn't been fed lunch that day. Come to find out.. she'd had lunch. The bf didn't buy her an early dinner so she got mad, pouted all the way back to her house, then jetted out of the car bc a friend was at her house to play. Without even a hug to her dad.
Things are just messed up. I'm trying my hardest to not let things get to me. And I know that the things to come will be harder to deal with.
Esp when dealing with a very spoiled kid. My bf seems to feel guilty and tries to give her anything to make her happy. He hasn't realized that he's not doing her or him or her mom any favors.
Another thing that really bothers me is the fact that she lays all over him when we are watching tv. We have a close family friend that comes over and she hangs all over him, too. Sitting in his lap, draping herself on him. I just think it's weird for that age group. And inappropriate.
When we are sitting on the couch watching tv, she will get up from the love seat and force her way onto the sofa where my bf and I are sitting, in between us. The start laying on him and trying to get him to wrestle and horseplay with her. I usually get up and walk off into the other room. My bf knows that I do not care for this. You wanna play.. go to another room. I just think she's a bit old for the behavior that she's exhibiting.
I've brought this up but my bf blows it off.
She's also a smart aleck and doesn't address adults in the correct manner, never says thank you or no sir. Nothing.
And she backtalks all adults. It's like no one ever corrects her so she does it all the time.
I'm just venting and I don't really expect any answers. If you've got some ways that you've dealt with this stuff.... please share!!
My bf considers me as his
My bf considers me as his partner. So that's why I put step daughter. We are not legally married.
So officially, I have no say in anything.. I'm waiting for her to say that to me soon. Lol.
I think it is inappropriate
I think it is inappropriate for her to be hanging all over her dad let alone another adult. What the heck is wrong with people!! My SD is 12 also and I guess before I moved in she was 11 at the time she would fall asleep in daddy's arms every night :jawdrop: Now that is understandable once in a while for a baby or even a toddler but a freaking 11 year old!!! So creepy :? BF felt bad for her because of the divorce so she didn't have a bed time. Then she would want to sit in his lap and watch TV then fall asleep so he would have to carry her to bed at 11 years old!!
As Scooby Doo would say: "RUH
As Scooby Doo would say: "RUH ROH!!"
"He's not consistent"
Here's a list of warning signs so that you don't get too deep into the relationship. Many men are so afraid of the BM and/or "losing their children" that they simply stop disciplining/training their children and let them "free range"
This is not scientific; it's just a compilation of similarities in the dynamic of "guilty-disney-doormat" biodad combined with vindictive PASinator BM and skids who play it for all it's worth. I've gathered this info from personal experience over the last eight years or so. And it usually doesn't get better.
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.
Yup, look at the list. I can
Yup, look at the list. I can see several that apply to your situation.
this is depressing. I was
this is depressing. I was hoping that my fears were not actually true. But I am a pro at ignoring my gut instinct.
I really really love my bf. I'm willing to stick it out. And I do care for the sd. I really do. Of course, my bf has plenty to say when my typically lazy 19 year old leaves her messes at our house.
He has made vast improvements with my support over the past 3 years. So he's come a long way. I can see that he still has work to do.
Momaagainfor4, I usually aslo
Momaagainfor4,
I usually aslo have a good gut instict and just like you was very good at ignoring it. The child that broek our relationship is his daughter currently 12 when I met her she was 10-11.I ignored all of the above red flags, sleeping, babying, poor habits , disrespectful behaviour. The list described the exact dynamic and the reactions of my ex to a T. Should I have read this list a year or two ago I would have packed my bags and left. Well, 3 1/2 years after all is set and done and over an argument about boundaries that he needs to set with his daughter we are officially broken up. I have my bags packed and ready to go. My sincere advice is run and find someone that has grown children like you that is mature and you are on the same page with. I donot have kids and despite that I love kids and was very welcoming and receptive. His support to me was minimal. He made all of the mistakes in the list through these years and continues to make them. I hope that one day he will realize that he is nothing but a doormat for his daughter and BM that simply drain his finances and treat him like he is nobody.I regret staying for so long and sticking out because I loved him. He was looking after his own interests and those did not include me.
Please, donot ignore your gut instinct run because it will not change but get worse. You are worth more than this and you deserve respect.
I'm new to this site, and I
I'm new to this site, and I admit that when I first heard the term "disengage" in the context used here, I thought it seemed harsh. Then, I realized that's exactly what I had started doing anyway, without even really knowing it. I think it's a natural response, to want to get away from something that is totally unpleasant to you. I'm sure if it were my own kids, I would feel an obligation to hang in there and be involved, and rightfully so. You're the true parent, you brought them into the world, and it's your responsiblity. As for me, I can't ignore my own health for kids that are not even mine. I was so incredibly stressed out, that another 5 years would absolutely take it's toll on me. So, I am going to deal as best I can, and if that means I have to get away from it all at times, that's what I am going to do. Maybe as the kids get older they will mature and things will change, but until that day comes, I'm going to do what I have to to stay sane.
I agree with BigEasy 1203. I
I agree with BigEasy 1203. I felt exactly the way she described- overly stressed. I could not handle it anymore. The moment I moved out and it has been only 2 days I feel light on my feet and much happier. I cannot even cry anymore. I wish I have done this earlier- much earlier. I wish I had that list and once I spotted the signs I should have run. There were people telling me to run here and I did not listen. I thought that I can stick it out and that love conquers all and can change people and make them better. I was defeated. I disappointed my family. I gave this man everything. I got out of the relationship - stressed, emotionally broken and now I am gathering the pieces. But I learned that I am strong and that noone can defeat me and that I can go on and be the happy cheerful me.Love, live and share to care!Never get discouraged and respect yourself and your dignity! Big lessons that are simply but important. The earlier you are able to spot the signs the better!