Heart-2-heart w/ SD9 brings out hard to hear confession
My sd9 was in the kitchen while I was preparing dinner and she brought up BM's abusive ex (who she dated not once but twice and brought skids around after court order forbid her and made her kids lie about it). She started telling me about an incident that happened during round two where the ex was choking bm, skids were screaming and the guy was telling them to shut up. we knew this from the report her counselor gave DH last month but this was the first time she told me and I dont think she's mentioned it to her dad.
She also mentioned that bm smokes pot and she did it in front of her once. she doesnt want to get her mom in trouble she told me, and then later tried to convince me bm has medical marijuana card (BS!!!!)
Later I went into her room, sat on her bed and told her that it was important that when those things happen (ie abuse) she tells us so it can be stopped. I opened up to her and told her my story about the bad thing my mom did that ended with me living with my dad and told her I knew how she was feeling and what she was going through.
Then she said "can I tell you something?" And she started crying and said "i don't want to be mean, but I want to live with my mom."
It was such a hard pill to swallow. 
I understand because she had lived with her mom all her life until earlier this year. godzilla kept skids away from DH for long periods of time (a full year being the longest). I know godzilla tells lies to skids about their dad regarding him being abusive (yet he has never once hurt his kids, and SHE is the one that subjects them to abuse!!!), she buys them things and takes them places (yet she's too broke to afford school clothes and supplies). I wanted so bad to show her all the court documents of bs restraining orders, the order that awarded DH custody stating that she "overdramatizes every piece of information she receives about father and his parenting" and "abuses her status as the custodial parent" (i have it all memorized, forgive me lol) I wanted to tell her all the lies I heard her mom tell in court. properly explain that her and DH's sister joined forces to try and make sure he never saw the girl's again!!!
I tried to explain so delicately how it was selfish and not ok for her mother to subject her to that relationship again and she openly agrees (not with a "yeah....." But a "yeah, I know!")
It just killed me though. Knowing what she has been put through by that wench and the poor thing still wants to live with her.
I ended it with reassuring her that she will understand some day and dad just makes better choices for her and her sister. I just hope by the time she's 12 she feels differently.
You have done the right thing
You have done the right thing by "reassuring her that she will understand some day and dad just makes better choices for her and her sister." That's the truth! There is a long road ahead on this one, I'm afraid.
SD17 lived with BM and her older sister (different dads), across town, when I first came into the pic almost 10 years ago. Without going into all of the drama, BM PASd SD against me almost immediately. Her BF, at the time, had a warrant out for attempted murder and lived in the same house with BM and the girls. One night, they went to a party where the BF drove them all home drunk. SD told us all about it....then, he proceeded to trash the Christmas tree, break all of the ornaments, and give BM a concussion. She had a huge black eye. SD locked herself in her room and listened to the whole thing. Around 2am, we get a call from BM, hysterically crying, begging for DH to go save them all. He did.
We were not married at the time, but were engaged. BM latched on to DH and this made SD become even more clingy toward him. (Of course, her dad was their knight in shining armor). That's the night that BM began to see that if she was hurt badly she could get this attention from DH and SD.
For years after that, and after we were married, the drama magnified. SD would go on her monthly visits to BM (now, living 4 hours away) and BM would sit on the bathroom floor, sobbing, crying, threatening to commit suicide. She actually told SD that if SD didn't tell DH that she wanted to live with her, she'd kill herself. If SD wasn't there in the mornings when she woke up, that she would die. All kinds of crap like that...for years. And, for years, SD would SCREAM at me that she "JUST WANT TO LIVE WITH MY MOMMMYYY!"
Twelve didn't help our situation. In fact, it made it worse. The only thing that made it better was the constant hurt BM caused SD. After a few years of this, SD came to accept that living with us was a better home for her. She knows that. But, it never changes the fact that I am in a three-person marriage and always have been. You could have been writing about SD17 in your OP. It's harder to watch now that SD is 17. She has other ways of showing that "she's in charge" around here. And it's no fun. At. all.
I don't understand why these
I don't understand why these skids do this. We are going through this, again, right now ourselves. It's what drove me to find this website. Every few months drama ensues because BM starts in on the "wouldn't you like to live with me?" or "how would you feel about us moving to another state?"
BM breaks every regular promise that she makes to SD, EVERY TIME, cell phone, karate, the fair, then blames DH because he won't pay for it. WTH?!? Then SD actually entertains the thought of wanting to move there, even though the BM's house is a cesspool of ugliness and tension. It's a house of guerrilla warfare, and I'm not exaggerating.
BM offers grandiose promises if SD would just decide to live with her. BM is under the impression that all she needs is the kids agreement. Proving her unfit would be easy, even if SD wanted to go I don't think a judge would allow it. She's had CPS called on her. This is a woman who threw one daughter out(17)to live with us even though neither of us are her bioparents. Then she left another (16) behind as a vagabond while she moved away for a job. During that time she continued to collect CS, until her CS was threatened to be take away by the BF, so she quickly moved back. Yet, SD who live with us entertains the thought of throwing the very people who do care for her emotionally and physically, and provide stability, under the bus for a fantasy. I really don't get it. :?
Your sd is just trying to
Your sd is just trying to protect her bm. Although it is hurtful to you and dh, she isn't trying to hurt you. She is hurting for her bm and wants to try and help her, protect her, 'parent' her. My sd's bm is an a$$ and causes us all kinds of trouble. SD comes home on Sundays after spending the weekend with her and is totally off the wall. Sunday nights always end with tears and tension in our house. Yet she still goes on and on and on about bm and her bf and even the bf's parents. It is hard to listen to sometimes.
Hang in there and just know that it is really coming from a good place in her heart and that she doesn't do it to hurt you.
I know she wasn't trying to
I know she wasn't trying to hurt us, but what broke my heart was that after telling me the abusive behavior she's witnessed from her mind boyfriend, knowing bm wasn't supposed to bring the girl's around him, being fully aware of all the times her mom wouldn't let her see her dad, she STILL wants to live with her
I hate to say this, but this
I hate to say this, but this will get worse as she moves up to 13 and 14. Even though you know they are better off with you, they won't see it that way. SD15 sued us to live with BM and we gave up because the lawyers said we couldn't win because she was 14. You can only hope that by continuing to do the right thing now, it will be okay during the teen years, but honestly I doubt it.
I really needed to hear that,
I really needed to hear that, thanks
I hate her mom more than anything, but expressing that to her isn't going to help her connect with me. I want her to be able to ask questions knowing she won't get a biased answer.
We have SD14 fulltime do back
We have SD14 fulltime do back flips to please her. BM is "fantastic" in SD eyes and always will be......eventhough she is the one who basically kicked SD out and doesn't want her back and hardly spends ANY time w/ her.........it's sad; but it's just the way it is??
I'm so thankful DH is such a
I'm so thankful DH is such a strong and actively involved father. he is strict and structured with them and it's because of him skids are so well behaved. Godzilla lets then do whatever they want.
SD9 is SO much like her dad (even the traits I could live without in DH I see in her lol) she had some of her mom's traits as well, but those traits are more prominent in sd6 (who's still a doll and impossible to NOTlove!!!) But I think that's why sd9's confession took me by such surprise. I always expected that with her "no bullshit" attitude that she gets from her dad and after hearing her speak out against her mom so much she would be the one to eventually get fed up and tell her mom to f--- off. Unfortunately sd6is still very naive about all of it and hasn't seen the things her sister has seen. She's the one I'm expecting to see major tantrums from.