Need to vent about guilty dad
Hi, I'm new here, so please forgive me if I'm not familiar with all of the abbreviations and such.
My partner is a textbook guilty dad, and it's really becoming a problem, and damaging our relationship. His daughter is 7, and comes over about once a week. They have always been co-sleepers, which really creeps me out. When we first moved in together she asked him (while I was present)if I could sleep on the couch, so she and him could sleep in our bed. He said no, but he ends up falling asleep in her bed every night, and on the rare instance that he comes into our bed in the middle of the night, she'll make up some stupid excuse to come into our room and try to get him to sleep in her bed, or try to crawl into ours. A few weeks ago, at 3am, she comes into our room with another excuse and he literally shoves me off the bed with his back (while I am asleep) and she crawls in and they spoon. I am so disgusted by this behavior. And, that's only the tip of the iceberg. There are no rules in our house, she gets everything she asks for instantly, she eats crap constantly, and her meals consist of one item, which is never a vegtable, she does nothing but play videogames, she doesn't clean up after her messes, she crawls all over him, and can't be alone anywhere...even in the same house... The list goes on and on. Whenever she is there, it's like I don't exist... like some live-in housekeeper. I make suggestions every now and then as to what she should eat, and I ask her to clean up her messes. But that's really as far as I'm comfortable going with her because I am not her parent. I know if I talk to him about this he will just tell me that since I don't have children, I don't understand. I need to bring this up to him in a way where he won't become totally defensive and shut me out.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to bring this up, or what to say?
Thanks
I have been here. All I can
I have been here. All I can say is that just because you haven't passed a head through your vagina, doesn't mean you don't have common sense. Its common sense that he needs her to be so needy. Its common sense that he is a guilty dad and she should not be sleeping with him.
One thing I do when I want to talk to SO about something and I don't want him to shut down is to send my thoughts in an email. It gives him time to process the info without immediately coming back at me defensively.
He needs to understand that he is going to make things worse for him and her later. He needs to treat YOU as the girlfriend and HER as the child.
Do not make the mistake I
Do not make the mistake I made and get upset. It just affects you and your health. Speak to a counsellor yourself. it is not your problem but if you are in love with him then it is one you need to understand. Guilt is a big deal with divorced men and they become servants to their children if the children are old or smart enough to manipulate it. Not the child's fault.
You say she is only there
You say she is only there once a week? One overnight? Think about it from the child's perspective. Why should anything in her life change because her dad moved in with his girlfriend? I agree that she needs to be disciplined and parented without guilt. But if their relationship was that they co-slept at night, I don't know that it should change because you are in the picture, especially if it's only one night out of your week. Heck, when my bf has his kids I might not see him all weekend, and I'm fine with that. Although, I have my own kids full time so I have things to occupy my time and energy. I personally feel it's a mistake to move in until married. It's even more important when both adults have kids, but as you can see, it doesn't work sometimes when one parent has a kid and the other doesn't. I was a stepmom before I had kids so I totally get how you feel. And it does change your perspective when you have your own kids. It would irk me to see ANY parent co-sleep with a child, but I also do with my daughter off and on and she's almost 9. It is a treat for her and she does my hair, etc. I would say to try and see it from her perspective and try to occupy your evening with a good book, movie, etc. and re-connect with your partner the next day.
He shouldn't have been co-
He shouldn't have been co- sleeping with his daughter in the first place. Yes it should change.
From the child's
From the child's perspective:
When I go to daddy's I am the center of his world and everyone else is pushed aside because I want it that way. Even that girl that stays with him.
He's setting her up for emotional incest and being a spoiled rotten brat.
Just because he only see's her once a week, does not mean the earth stops for her when she is around. I have an SD15 who was treated like that, and is now unhappy a lot because she is realizing that is NOT how the world works. Because of her unhappiness, she gets to be vile to others.
"In a normal nuclear family
"In a normal nuclear family would daddy be getting into bed with a 7 yr old?"
Possibly. http://ask.metafilter.com/149156/Yet-another-way-parents-wreck-their-chi...
The only problem in this picture is that the woman is not the mom, because if she was, the problem would not exist, unless both parents disagreed on the subject of co-sleeping. I'm pretty sure an adult can handle one night alone in the marital bed. The fact is that they are NOT married, so following logic of the nuclear family, they shouldn't be living together unmarried.
The op stated they have always co-slept and then follows with the assumption that since it creeps her out, it should be stopped. She is intruding on a relationship that existed before her, so there are certain things that need to be conceded. All the other behaviors should be dealt with. Co-sleeping doesn't indicate the father is doing it out of guilt, but the other behaviors are unacceptable.
So I gently brought it up and
So I gently brought it up and as I suspected, he took it the wrong way. I stated that it made me uncomfortable in general, and that as she grows up she may not be learning necessary coping skills...and so on. His defense was that since I myself never knew my own father (he died), that I wouldn't understand a fathers role. And also, since I don't want children of my own, I wouldn't understand what it's like to love a child. He said that he wants her to be able to come to him for anything. And since he has her so little, he thinks it's alright. I'm not being cold hearted, or jealous because I wish I had my dad(which he suggested)...I just know that if he doesn't put a stop to it, it will continue until she is much older. He wants to give her all the things he never had, which includes this.
Let me just state in response to one of the above posts that I was rarely ever allowed to sleep with my parent, and have no problem sleeping alone. I just think she's at an age where she needs to begin learning how to be somewhat self reliant, and he's doing her a disservice by not saying "no" to her. We all have to learn how to be adults, it's not just about age.
I'll wait and see if anything that I said sinks into him.
I have been a daddy's girl
I have been a daddy's girl all my life (now 41) and have always been lucky enough to have a close relationship with my father.
My father has NEVER spooned me...EVER. We both would think that is a very strange thing to do for a father.
I will go a step further and say that I don't know of ANYONE who has spooned ANYONE over the age of say 3 or so, where there wasn't an intimate relationship going on.
Ugh, the standard retorts
Ugh, the standard retorts from these men. So annoying.
At some point you will just have to tell him you cannot continue a relationship in this way. He is displaying VERY typical guilt dad behaviors. His responses are typical divorced guilty dad responses to criticism. He doesn't even know how typical he is.
I have a question. Psuedo
I have a question. Psuedo step CTBB is a boy, so I never had to deal with a SD.I have 2 DDs that my husband NEVER would dream of sleeping with, when DD#1 was 2 she went through a phase where she was having nightmares, we took turns laying with her but weaned her off that pretty quick. My question is this: when these Dads "spoon " with thier daughters, are thier genetals touching them? hate to be a perv but thats all I can think of. I mean, when DH spoons me his penis is touching me. No child should be subjected to that. It's sick. And gross. :sick:
YUK....How revolting....That
YUK....How revolting....That father needs to be just that A FATHER.
I have 2 ss 13 and 16 and they are both revolting in that they can do what they want, eat what they want etc etc...until I came on the scene.
I make the meals around here....and by god they will eat them otherwise they starve! Guilty DH dad used to take them to the take away outlets and buy them other crap - but he dont do that these days....Besides my kids are here with me in this marriage and its one rule for all.
I think you need to speak with the Bio Dad and just let him know that kids need boundries, it helps them to feel loved...believe it or not...and as he sets no boundries, maybe thats why she is getting scared at night and wanting to come into your bed?
start planning the meals with her...taking control of the weekends or day that she is there...as in...plan to take her somewhere....the time youll leave, food to take etc etc....
otherwise....just leave him...he sounds like a pedo creep to me.
I say "move on". This is not
I say "move on". This is not worth even trying to deal with. This father and daughter are too entrench in this behavior.
You would do better to find someone else who is not so unusual in how he relates to his daughter.
You might want to stay away from men with kids altogether after reading posts here.
Really, is this guy really worth all the frustration? That is one question you might want to ask yourself. How much stress and anger and drama are you up for in dealing with his daughter and this father?
http://www.mayoclinic.com/hea
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/child-sleep/CC00020