Overstepping my boundaries?

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I am very new at "stepparenting" i am still really young and have been dating my bf for 8 months. His daughter is 5 yrs old now, when we met he had his daughter full time when he wasnt working, the BM was away in the military, my bf pretty much raised his daughter since she was 2, i used to see this as a very good thing and how great of a father he was for being there for her. The BM came home and things are surprisingly well with her and i, she is perfectly fine with me being around her daughter. The daughter and i get along fairly well, she doesnt misbehave for me and we love doing crafts and baking together, she also has been recently saying she loves me, there is still some awkwardness but i think overtime it will be ok. Things sound all fine but i have recently become extremely stressed out from it. with both of us working and my bf wanting to have his daughter we dont always get a whole lot of alone time, i have also started becoming jealous of my bf and his daughters relationship, every little thing bothers me, when they are cuddling on the couch, when he takes her to do things when im not around or sleeping, and also i have come to realize how much he babies her. Shes a good girl but there are some things i just wish he would put his foot down a little more, he gives in way to easily to her and she knows he will, she constantly needs to play with us, there is literally not a moment that will go by she is not asking us to play with her. I have learned to have a little more patience with this and hope she will just grow out of it. I am not quite living with them yet but i am there 4-6 days of the week. When i am not there and he has her overnight he will put her to bed then when he is going to bed will take her to the room to sleep together. Lately he has been asking me when im there if she can because he hasnt been able to that week or something.I also recently found out that my bf and his daughter would shower together, we got into a big fight about this because i thought it was wrong in many ways (we eventually talked a little more and now they do it with swimsuits on) but everytime something like this comes up or still sleeping with her, whiping her after the bathroom, every little thing i know she can do by herself just fine,comes up i may bring up or be upset about he gets super defensive and instantly pissed and uses that im not a mom so i have no right to say anything. I love being with him and dont want to have to leave him just because he has a daughter, but i have never been so stressed out before and confused. What rights do i have as somebody who has never had a kid. And how to i get him to understand my perspective and to see that he is babying her and maybe cant let go of her growing up and that its affecting our relationship and making me feel like im not let in. How can i figure out what i can and cant do as far as discipline and raising her. Its still early yet so i know that if we figure things out now it can still have a good chance, i just need to figure out how.

I applaud your ability at a

I applaud your ability at a self-proclaimed young age to spot inappropriate behaviour. And, despite not being a parent yourself, your intuition is correct that he is babying his daughter to her detriment. I also admire that you would seek out guidance. You sound very wise for your age.

Most of us on this board have figured out that, sadly, they don't grow out of it. And by 'they' I'm referring to the skid AND the father. Unless your idea of a good life is raising an emotionally stunted minor and an overly indulgent man, I'd exit stage left and fast.

Imagine running into them twenty years from now and Daddy wiping her nose and taking her to the ladies room. And then imagine a sheepish & haggard woman standing behind them, embarrassed, and realize that woman could be you. I rarely advise folks to run for this hills but, sweetie, run.

You are too young for this.

You are too young for this. Find a nice man without kids, because this will never change. He sounds like a guilty daddy and not much can change that.

I agree alot, and for the

I agree alot, and for the most part he his a great dad but i feel bad if i have to leave him just because he has a kid, when we dont have issues like this things are great and i am so happy being with both of them. The funny thing about all of this is the BM sees this too and actually said something to him once or twice recently about babying her, she says he doesnt take criticism very well and takes us saying those things like he's a bad dad. Im just wondering if there is a chance he could just adjust some of these things because of the fact that she is getting older and they will be living with someone else now. When i bring things up he sometimes does try to change them, like the shower thing and sometimes putting his foot down, but i am so afraid to try to talk to him and tell him that some things need to change for the sake of our relationship and his daughter because he uses the excuse that im not a mom. I sometimes think that the BM and i should get together or just them two or even all three of us so we can try to discuss discipline between the three of us. But i dont want him to think we are ganging up on him. And thank you for recognizing that im smarter for my age, i wish he could see that without thinking that i think im better then him, otherwise most of the time he is very understanding, i think hes just becoming too comfortable

This would NOT be leaving

This would NOT be leaving "just because he has a kid." This would be leaving because he cannot parent his daughter in such a way that isn't going to make HUGE problems for her, him AND whomever he gets roped into the situation.

ANOTHER RED FLAG (not associated with parent/child in any way): HE DOESN'T ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL

Are you prepared to go through your entire relationship doing things HIS way?? Because that's what you will get with a person who can't accept criticism.

also, because i am not a

also, because i am not a parent, how could i explain to him that showering (even with swimsuits) and sleeping together isnt a good idea without him trying to use that excuse one me

I HATE when SO would pull

I HATE when SO would pull that "you're not a parent you don't understand" crap on me.

I don't have to be parent to know that common sense says you don't shower and sleep with your child. Its weird.

I wonder if he'd tell his guy friends that he does that. They'd think its weird.

that is exactly what ive

that is exactly what ive said!! and i told myself if the problem with the showering comes up again i will ask him if he were to ever post it on facebook bring it up to his friends what he does and if he wouldnt then that should be his red flag right there that its wrong. After the first talk he now only does it in swimsuits and probably when theres not enough time for separate ones. So i at least know i got through to him, even though he was pissed when i brought it up.

He's pissed because you are

He's pissed because you are right and you embarrassed him. He wants her to stay 2 years old.

You will not get through to

You will not get through to him until someone else admonishes him for it. You are the Stepmom, your opinion will never be considered valid. Sorry, but that is true. I am 44 years old and I regret marrying my husband. I love him, but the guilty dad scenario has caused lots of problems. Mine worke up but not before he lost his daughter and almost his marriage. You are young, I would move on....

If i try to talk to him and

If i try to talk to him and cannot get through to him now, then i know it will never happen and i most definetly will walk away

Auteur's list fits your post

Auteur's list fits your post well. There is nothing wrong with you. He is acting like a guilty dad.

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Here are some classic signs of "guilty daddy." These men make their CHILDREN their spouses and can not establish a healthy adult relationship because of it.

RUN!!

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night/morning)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.

unfortunetly i could say yes

unfortunetly i could say yes to a few of these as for the financial situation, before we met the BM got him to drop the CS so right now there are no marital/divorce debts or CS. They seem to work everything out just fine with schedules and money, the only thing ive had to worry about is helping with food and eventually rent, which those things bother me a little bit but i will not have a problem helping out if he can allow me to be involved with the two of them parenting and family wise, if i cant do that then i will feel like i am just babysitter and i will not stay if it stays that way

What scares me about this

What scares me about this list is #3...if BMs husband isn't home she will have my SS sleep with her. And she feeds him nothing but junk so every single night he's at our house I hear "I don't like this" even with stuff he's eaten before. Lucky for me DH tells him "eat it anyway" and he comes to us from her house not having showered in days. UGH

If I were you, I'd just tell

If I were you, I'd just tell him these are things that I can't deal with in a relationship. then move on. I'm sure he has some great qualities, but I can tell you it will get worse. Been there.

Imagine when she is 15 and he's coddling her and treating her like 'the other woman'

You said you are young, you can easily find someone who has no baggage.

Sometimes i wonder if i

Sometimes i wonder if i purposely end up with guys who have kids, my last bf also had a kid and with both of them i first saw that as great qualities that i really want because i know that i want kids someday and seeing how much he loves his daughter and would do anything for her lets me know he would be that way with our kids. I also grew up without my dad and had a barely there crappy SF so maybe ive been intentionally looking for these guys because of that...who knows

This are all very good and

This are all very good and true points and it makes me really sad to admit that. But unfortunetly i am one of those girls who doesnt like to let go but hopefully smart enough to realize when i absolutely have to. I feel that i should at least give him a chance to understand my point of view and to decide himself if im worth it enough to try and change things for the better. I think im goin to take all of these points and try to have an open and serious conversation with him. He doesnt take critisicm well sometimes but i have noticed when i or the BM do say something he eventually does change it sometimes. So hopefully if i can explain things in the right way he will openly talk to me about it. And seeing that you guys are so helpful, any suggestions on doing that? how i can bring all of this up without offending him and him feeling like im attacking him.

Don't beat yourself up. I

Don't beat yourself up. I haven't left my SO either. He can be a real idiot sometimes.

I say run run run. You say,

I say run run run. You say, stay around, maybe he will listen to reason, maybe he will change some things.
Change some things? Here is his example of "changing" things for you....
I shower with my 5 year old child, now i still shower with her, except i wear a suit. Gee, that was some good change.
Id bet money, he still showers with out a suit when your not there. So hes not changing, he just tryin to shut you up.
Run run run

This covers what your bf is doing to your sd, and in turn doing to your own relationship with him!