Food for thought: Is this site making our relationships worse?
Another blog post "How many really think about leaving?" kind of prompted this. This site is sort of a double-edged sword if you think about it. We all vent to each other about the terrible aspects of being a step parent and how miserable our lives are because our SOs have baggage, and that can be good, but I think it does some damage too. I mean having people to talk to who relate to our situations and have been through the same crap is helpful because we feel like we aren't alone. But on the other hand, we kind of gang up on the nasty BMs and the horrible skids and our pushover DHs and blame them for causing us all this grief, and it turns us against them.
You might not agree but I've been reading a lot of posts lately, and realized that quite often the advice is "leave now while you're still sane" to some extent. You have to admit, it seems like a lot of us don't feel like the benefits of being a step parent are worth putting up with all this crap. And seeing other people who are still struggling with the same situation after years is not very encouraging 
Don't get me wrong, my relationship with my fiance was already on the rocks, but I feel like it's been made worse by associating with everybody here (don't take offense to that, I think all of you are wonderful and wish you the best). Think about it: the majority of the posts on here are negative thoughts and rants about such and such, so it would seem as though it's not worth the hassle.
I love my fiance and his daughter with all my heart, but if I think logically about it, why do I put up with everything if I am so often unhappy?? They make me happy (most of the time), but BM and MIL and other SD always seem to ruin everything for us. I used to think that we would be able to be happy in spite of their attempts to make our lives miserable, but we aren't getting anywhere.
Before I found this site, there were many things that I thought my SO should do to make things easier for us (besides he's the one with the baggage). After finding this site, my ideas about what he should and shouldn't be doing were confirmed by all of your stories and comments, and it made me more frustrated at him for NOT doing it because I knew I was right. Not only that, but I also noticed a lot of things that you mention that I hadn't noticed before, and I either resent him for doing it or I start yet another argument about what he's doing wrong. I'm not being fair by doing that to him, and he's basically being blindsided every time I learn something new. But I also think that he's not being fair to me by making me put up with this crap, because some of it could very easily be changed if he just stood up to BM, and because all of it is his fault in the first place!
So, I don't know if other people feel this way, but I feel like I blame SO more now than I did before because of everything I read on here. And everything makes me more upset than it did before because I hear about some of your DHs who did something about it, while mine doesn't do enough in my eyes. And now I'm to the point where I've kind of given up hope that we will be happy and get married and have children. I want my children to grow up in a healthy environment and this is not healthy. There is always the possibility that things could change, but it's not very likely because it would involve SO changing the way he does things and he's been that way for so long that even if he did, he would resent me for making him change.
I guess I'm lucky that we didn't bring any children into the world yet because I don't have to deal with this if I don't want to. But as that other poster said, I would feel guilty if I just got up and left because both SO and SD would be devastated, and I couldn't pretend like I don't care about them. Also, SO has changed quite a bit for me, so that we could try to be happy, and it would all be for nothing.
But why do I stay if it's not going to be worth it now or ever? (based on testimony from other SMs) I know for some of you it is worth it and you've figured out ways to make it better, but I lost hope in that ever happening for me. I just keep digging myself deeper into this hole.
I guess it depends on how you
I guess it depends on how you take the words and advice given...
I think there are a lot of folks on here who are "glass half empty" and speak like that, but there are a lot of optimistic folks on here also who have great words of encouragement and advice...
I tend to skim, actually...I take A LOT of stuff with a grain of salt, and realize before I begin reading somebody's response to a post or blog of mine:
1. Their experiences are different than mine.
2. I have not told them the ENTIRE back story, so whatever they say is clouded by that fact and point #1.
3. I understand that people either skim or don't have great reading comprehension skills so a lot of what they say either doesn't apply or they don't truly "understand" by comprehending everything that was written (no offense...is what it is)...
4. There are some folks here and in life in general who are in a very negative situation and their perspective is negative...
So I don't hang off of every word that is said here...Mostly, I'll give a "meh" to a lot of stuff, and I also read with the thought of "wow...my 'ish could be A LOT WORSE as could my perspective" and it gives me clarity...and I go home and kiss my DH...(really...)
Get your perspective...and don't take the words here as golden...Maybe...14 karat overlay, but nothing on here should or could be pure...solid GOLD...People don't know you IRL, and aren't privy to your life's experience...The only person that should have that affect on you (of how this site has made you feel and respond to your SO) is your counselor, IMO...not some random (albeit with good intentions and hearts...probably)people on the internet...
I can see your point, but my
I can see your point, but my personal feeling is that the site has enabled me to be more assertive and not so downtrodden about the situation. Hasn't made my relationship with DH worse - it is pretty OK generally. You have to keep a balance and not get carried away with vengeful feelings etc. after reading some of the posts. Overall, for me I think the site serves a valuable purpose for expressing feelings that are not welcome elsewhere.
^^^^THIS! I'm so thankful on
^^^^THIS! I'm so thankful on a daily basis that I found this site! It's such a relief to know I can come complain without being attacked like I would be if I said the same words to DH, that I can ask for advice and give others advice in the same situation. I don't feel alone anymore. I feel understood...having NO other step parent friends, no one else in my life understands or could even begin to imagine what life is like in a blended family. Sometimes it does make me a little more bitter towards DH but sometimes my friends here point out that I'm wrong or overreacting, that maybe I should work on me before attacking him. I love it here.
^^Like^^ Here! Here! You
^^Like^^ Here! Here! You took the words right out of my mouth.
I know not everybody feels
I know not everybody feels this way, and that's a good thing. Like shielded said, we know our situations best, so we are the ones who need to evaluate them. I didn't mean to put so much emphasis on the advice of other people though, especially because if I agree it's probably because it fits. The advice doesn't make me feel this way, it's all of the negative stories that have opened my eyes to how much my situation sucks (which I know isn't a problem for others, maybe because their situation doesn't suck, or because they just have a better perspective, who knows)
I honestly think this has the
I honestly think this has the same effect as women who are married to non-romantic but loving husbands reading romance novels. When I read romance novels I find myself having a higher expectation of my husband in the romance department. The problem is I knew before I married him that he loves me very much, but that his overly logical mind does not allow him to understand the purpose for romance.
I think it is very similar and know when I do either, read a romance novel or read this site, I have to consciously remember that my feelings are jaded and not take that out on my DH.
It is up to each of us to
It is up to each of us to keep in mind that this is the internet. Like anything else on the internet, it is up to us to be responsible enough to take the words here for what they're worth.
We are a group of stepparents (most of us) who come in search of advice, understanding, & sometimes just a place to release some steam. We are not a group of professional therapists. We are just a group of people who have step-life in common. We share our experiences, our thoughts, our feelings, our problems, our successes...& hopefully someone who shares the same issues can share some helpful advice or our advice can be helpful to someone else.
Like anything else, the site is here to benefit us, but we are responsible for picking & choosing what we allow to affect us, our homes, & our lives. We are each responsible for monitoring our actions & as many members have (myself included) take a step back once in awhile. If you feel like your participation on the site is creating more conflict in your home, take a break.
A site can't make relationships better or worse. It all comes down to the user of the site & their ability to apply what's useful & disregard what isn't.
That's just it though, it is
That's just it though, it is helpful and I'm glad I found it... but if I hadn't, I might still have that false sense of hope that everything would work itself out. I'm not blaming anyone, just making the connection between understanding my situation and others and realizing that FOR ME, it's not worth it anymore. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just hard to face.
Wow, what I came away from is
Wow, what I came away from is that knowledge is too much for some people, and maybe that is true. I for one will always take more knowledge rather than less. I like to be informed and learn from other people's life experiences. Learning the hard way from my own is painful. I am open to hearing other's experiences. In all honestly, some people are not there in their life. And for them this site may not be the best place for them.
I find this to be a place to vent my frustration to people who may understand. I find it a place to relieve my mind of some of the resentment I carry. Without it my only outlet would be my DH and that would destroy our relationship.
If nothing else I get validation of my feelings here. It's good to know that others are in the same boat as me and feeling the same. It gives me some peace to know that what I feel is not 'wrong'.
And I have learned what to look out for and how situations can evolve. Those are invaluable tools to have when you are serious about improving a relationship. To ignore it all IMHO would be silly.
I do agree that some days the negativity here fires up my own frustrations and fuels my own negativity. With every good comes the bad.
I really think the benefits of this type of site far outweigh the cons.
I agree. But you know what,
I agree. But you know what, it's kind of like saying that an abused SAHM, like many years ago, with a chauvinist pig husband was better off staying home with nobody to talk to because that way, she thought "everyone is like this and it's my fault." Men back then, and even now, who are abusers love nothing more than a woman who stays home and has no friends for the same exact reason. Heck, this is the reason there were not as many divorces 50+yrs ago. Once women got out of the house, they started realizing that they did NOT have to put up with such crap, that indeed it was their husbands who were abusive, crazy, wanted to use them for their benefit only, etc...and that's when abusive men started complaining, when women started standing up for themselves and when the divorce rate SKY ROCKETED!
So, yes, this is exactly the same thing. Now, if you would rather have the same type of life as housewives did before, ie. this is just the way it is, make the best of it, etc...then you are correct, this is the wrong place to come. But if you instead want to have what YOU deserve, then yes, while it it might cause issues at home, it is what it is. That's no different than the issues that women encountered years ago when they started stepping out of the house.
Heck, my sister was a SAHM with an chauvinist idiot for the last 20yrs, she finally got a job a few years ago and realized that life could be very different than the "stay at home, dress like your husband wants you to, kiss his behind" type of woman.
PS - when I say YOU, I don't mean you personally
I mean, WOMEN...you or anyone else as a woman.
You said it better than I
You said it better than I did... that's exactly what I mean, it's not a bad thing, it's probably for the best because I deserve to be happy and this site is what made me realize that I won't be happy in this situation.
And maybe that's just the kind of person I am,and others might be able to deal with it, but I don't think I will ever be happy with the way things are.
I get it. You can't unring a
I get it. You can't unring a bell. Or unhear a truth. Or unlearn a lesson. But there's power in knowing. I prefer that power.
I agree, my BM is horrible
I agree, my BM is horrible too and she deserves all of the hatred, but if we were reading stories by BMs about how horrible the SMs are and how we are ruining their lives, we might be more sympathetic.
Ok good point. I guess
Ok good point. I guess sometimes I feel bad for BM because I'm younger, better looking, smarter, and I make FDH and SD happier than she ever did, etc. So I'm just saying I can see WHY she does the things that she does, but that doesn't make it ok.
Good point, I was thinking
Good point, I was thinking the same thing after the first few comments haha... It doesn't sound right to say that just because this happened to me, it would happen to other people, I should have said "Does anyone else feel like this site is ruining your relationship?" or something like that. I didn't mean to imply that all of us get the same results from discussing on step talk, sorry if I offended anyone. I didn't really plan it out, I kind of just threw down some random thoughts.
And I agree the it is never ok to treat someone shitty, but I don't agree that if someone pricks you, you should prick them back. If you fight fire with fire, all you get is a bigger fire. Someone has to be the bigger person, imo. I'm not saying that I never prick back, but I don't think it's the right thing to do.
No, I have fought back with
No, I have fought back with my BM plenty of times, but that doesn't mean I think it's right. Like you said, it's never ok to treat anyone shitty, but that doesn't mean we don't all do it sometimes. I am not perfect and I have had plenty of opportunities to piss BM off or make her feel like crap, but I don't always do it.
For example, I once went directly to BM's house and went off on her about everything that came to mind: I blamed her directly for other-SD's behavior, I told her to stop telling FDH what to do because he's not hers to control anymore, I told her she had no right to complain to his mother about anything, I told her to get over herself and stop being a bitch, I told her that she was just making her girls' lives worse, etc, etc.
I was furious with her and I couldn't hold it in any longer, but saying all this didn't make the situation better, it just made me feel better.
On the other hand, there are plenty more things I could do to make her miserable, but I don't. I control myself and hold back because I know it's not going to help.
For example, FDH and I have been engaged for 6 months and she still doesn't know. I could very easily flash my ring in front of her just to piss her off, but I hide it instead. I would love to because all she says is that I'm just a fling for him, but I don't because it doesn't matter if she knows or not and proving her wrong won't make anything better.
Another example, she tells her girls and MIL all the time how she honestly feels about me, and how I'm a terrible person, and other-SD and MIL both hate me because of it. I could very easily say things to SD-that-lives-with-us-half-time about BM or her boyfriend about how awful they are, but I don't because it isn't going to make the situation better. I don't think anyone should ever say anything bad to children about bios or steps, ever. Trust me, both FDH and I are furious that she does that and we would love to do the same to her, but we don't need an inferno on our hands. We know that it's not the right thing to do, and it's not going to help.
Another example, BM constantly steals things that we buy for SD-that-lives-with-us-half-time and keeps them at her house. It pisses me off and we have to ask her multiple times to return them. Still, we don't steal things that she buys for SD just because she does it to us, in fact, I make it a point to promptly return clothes, toys, etc. that she buys for SD. I try to be the bigger person and hopefully that is enough to bother her.
You get the point, but yeah, I have done plenty of fighting back. Still I try to refrain and not let BM see if something bothers me because I don't want to give her that satisfaction, so I ignore what I can. But I definitely don't let her walk all over me. Like with the last example, I don't give up and say oh well, I pester her everyday until we get our stuff back, and we eventually do. And with the second example, her step-PAS didn't work on SD-that-lives-with-us-half-time, so I make sure we do tons of fun stuff with her when she's here. As a result, SD behaves wonderfully when she's here and she loves me more than ever and she says she wants to stay with us full time cause mom is mean to her. That is enough for me and we didn't have to hit BM back to do it. There's a difference between standing up for yourself, and attacking another person: you don't have to do the latter to achieve the former.
Oh, that's not even the worst
Oh, that's not even the worst of it, she is DEFINITELY NOT manageable, she's constantly takes us to court for stupid crap because her boyfriend is a lawyer so she doesn't have to pay for it and she knows we can't afford to keep going back and that is extremely stressful, she refuses to do anything that we ask unless she thought of it first, she constantly calls FDH a shitty dad and he starts to believe it, she used to send me messages on facebook and text me all the time saying that I am the one who ruined her marriage and if the girls are messed up it's my fault, and calling me every name in the book, it got so bad I changed my number and deleted my facebook, she turned his family and half the people he works with against him/us, she has had me banned from the school where SD goes, so I can't even volunteer in her classroom, etc. etc. etc.
Her goal in life is to make us miserable, which I'm sure is your BM's goal. But for all I know, she could be easier that your BM, our experiences are definitely not the same, so it's hard to compare.
Sorry for more ranting, I know you said "let's leave it at that." It just bothered me that you think my BM is more manageable than yours, because you don't know the whole story.
My life would be much easier
My life would be much easier without the BM involved. Do I regret marrying DH at times. would I divorce him - almost did.
But I would only tell someone to end a relationship who isn't yet married and cannot find it in them to care about their SO's kids.
Do I get angry with skids - yes
Do I dislike BM - yes and now even more than two days ago.
Do I get angry with DH yes.
Do I love and care about skids - more than they can understand.
Do I love DH. Yes and therefore will take the BM
The negativity I read on here I take with a grain of salt. I seek real suggestions that may work for me- realizing everyone is different
My life would be much easier
My life would be much easier without the BM involved. Do I regret marrying DH at times. would I divorce him - almost did.
But I would only tell someone to end a relationship who isn't yet married and cannot find it in them to care about their SO's kids.
Do I get angry with skids - yes
Do I dislike BM - yes and now even more than two days ago.
Do I get angry with DH yes.
Do I love and care about skids - more than they can understand.
Do I love DH. Yes and therefore will take the BM
The negativity I read on here I take with a grain of salt. I seek real suggestions that may work for me- realizing everyone is different
I'm glad I found this site
I'm glad I found this site for the simple fact of knowing that I'm not alone in how I feel. I come to this site to read other stories and see that what I'm going through is "normal" even if we fight about his kids. Venting on this site when I literally have no one to vent to at home helps me cope. I know it's not perfect and that it may not work out in the long run, but at least for now I have somewhere to blow off some steam and not start a new fight by doing so. Do I think about leaving? Sure. Do I look for reasons to stay?? You bet! This site is mearly a site for release. Someone else had earlier mentioned that no one on here is a licensed therapist and I agree. They comment on what they know and how they would feel in that situation... not giving advice anyone should necessarily heed.
Loving my SO comes first. Hating his kids comes second.
I put up the "Who really wants to leave" blog just to see who has it that bad and when the last string is dealt. What was/is most common is the fact that it's SO not doing enough with his kids to entertain, teach, discipline that has most running for the door. Not the fact that the skids are bad or misbehaved. My interpretation of those answers was that ladies on this site are more disappointed in their SOs actions/inactions than they are in their skids.
Mearly a survey.
I agree to an extent-I think
I agree to an extent-I think my perspective has 'worsened' since this site, but it's only because i'm more aware of things. A big part of me has been contemplating breaking off for a bit and finding another addictive site lol.
Then again when I was an on abuse site, it worsened my situation w/my now exh because i was aware of what i was putting up with and i wanted to change things. BUT I really did need that out and worsening of perspective. Not all of us on this site need to leave our relationships (unlike abusive ones, IMO NOBODY should stay).
It seems I noticed everything wrong with bm and sd and bf and guilty bf's parents and it compounded my feelings to vent/read about others. Cynicism came in.
This is another reason today I know this site can also bring doubts, fear and questioning the relationship---my bf told me yesterday that him and his professor actually had a very interesting conversation-it was about stepkids-and the guy was a stepdad married to a woman who would not back him up when he disciplined-the kid has some disrespect issues, he said if he could do it again he never would, he tried for 8 years, was hell (of course he left out the hell i'm sure his bio-dad gave his then wife, i'm sure there were plenty). ANyways-my bf I know is scared of me w/two kids-i know what the man said resonated in some ways, I know because i hear 'run like hell-never would do it' all the time here on this site.
I can say after hearing him express some fears/doubt I feel totally shaken today, defensive, scared, unsure....and it's normal stuff he's expressing, stuff I've felt about him...that was ONE conversation for him w/someone that was in a step situation. I'm on here almost daily....I'm sure it has an effect on my relationship. I'm trying to figure out whether I need to vent mroe at this point or try and work on things from my end w/my own bios and the relationship w/him and on our future, if we have one....
All of this not having control over our situations sucks so bad....we can't change the past no matter how much we want to-i beat myself up a lot over having had kids w/a loser sperm donor idiot and I can't change that, or my bf's ex and sd...is it worth it to blend? I don't know, i can't say. I know there are things that work and don't, I see the OP point. I feel at home sometimes though, and i'm so stressed and anxiety ridden lately (not even related to sd) that i find comfort in familiar names and where i can vent about non-related skid stuff.
I see your point; when I
I see your point; when I found this site last year - I was beside myself; for over 10 years my DH made me feel like I was a crazy, rude ignorant B* for thinking the way I did towards princess SD14. I finally had leverage.......people who "felt" like I did! I mean leverage for myself. I was able to pick up advice and able to wead out the crapy people not to listen to and I learned how to get my backbone back!
I guess if you REALLY look into the comments here you could see it as negative and roll w/ it. But I really think it helps keep my sanity. Just my opinion
I had never had anything to
I had never had anything to do with step parenting before I married my husband and the odd behaviours of the step children, and the BM made me feel miserable. I couldnt understand why or what was wrong with these people....
Then wen I found this site I realised there were many other people going thru the same....I understand PAS golden uterus theory etc etc....
I am also able to explain to my DH why this oddness is occuring.....it give us both confidence
PS - here is my view... as a
PS - here is my view...
as a BM/CP...you do the ranting and raving to everyone in person...and EVERYONE has sympathy for you...EVERYONE tries to make things easier for you...including your darn EX!
as a SMOM...you cannot do the ranting and raving to ANYONE in person...they have NO SYMPATHY at all for you...NOBODY, including our DHs many times, try to make things easier...
thus the reason that coming here sometimes makes us give up...and cause more problems...while the BM goes elsewhere, gets sympathy, has everyone, including our DHs and their kids kiss their behind...and just cause US problems in OUR homes.