Make sure you support her in the rules that you BOTH establish for your children. Don't coddle your son. Don't undermine her when she has asked her step son to do something.

You both should decide and agree upon how she should discipline and how much involvement you want her to have in decision making for him.

and give her this website please. We welcome her.

Agreed Anxious. I'm not sure how involved you are at home when your there now but it's just that easy. Parent your child and be as involved as possible when you are there. Operate as a family. Back her up and help not only with the kids but the house work. I know Bio's don't want to hear this, I am one myself, but when they aren't your kids it's just a lot of work with very little to no reward.

Realize that she will be doing the job that neither of the BIO parents are doing. This means that SHE should be making the decisions and rules for this kid as well. I am not saying that you are not doing the job because you don't want to, but really, it's irrelevant. The BIO parents will not have to be there for this kid 24/7 and she will, therefore, HER RULES, HER WISHES...not "but he said and BM wants and I would like..." because you are not there. This is not to say that she is abusive or anything, but provided she is taking care of this child, she should be able to discipline, expect, etc. as she wishes. This means she will be expected to treat both kids the same, which I do believe can almost ALWAYS be done but ONLY when the good and the bad of parenting can be combined. Not, "take care, buy him stuff, take him here", but "don't punish, don't say no, blah, blah, blah".

Good luck. She's a saint!

PS - and if she needs a break, make sure YOUR MOM doesn't attempt to dictate what she does with your son while you are gone...

Have you ASKED her if she is willing to help you raise your son??? Even if you know she will adn it is a given just ask her anyway it will go a LONG way in he4r feeling that you have her back and understand that you are asking a HUGE favor of her.

Then set rules and SUPPORT her when she tries to enforce them. Remember he is not her kid and will not have the same feelings for him as you do. Also0 remember that if your ex does leave and he is now with you full time he will act out for a while til he gets used to what just happened. Your son may even need some counselling as his mom is 'abandoning' him.

just remember that no one is perfect including your GF so if she does something you doesn't like talk to her about in PRIVATE. Your son is not perfect either so remember that ok.

I hope everything works out for your family. You will have to be extremely attentive to your fiance to keep her from feeling taken advantage of. Here is my story:

I got married at 19. I loved my SD (then 4) as my own. She came to live with us a few months after we got married and I welcomed her with open arms (happy I would finally be able to get rid of the lice). Her mom abandoned her shortly thereafter. I was young and naive. I wanted to "play house" since I had to wait until I graduated to have a child of my own.

My husband volunteered to go on multiple deployments...we needed the money. I was ok with it. I took 18 credit hours of pre-med, worked full time and managed to do my homework and take care of SD. She tested me HARD when he first left. We were shopping at Old Navy and I bought her a ball out of a machine. She started throwing it across the store so I took it. She started hiding in the clothes racks and running from me so I grabbed her arm. She started screaming "you're hurting me" at the top of her lungs (imagine the looks I got). She told my sisters I no longer loved them because I only loved her (my sisters are 11 and 13 years younger than I and are like children to me...we are very close and she hurt them, thus hurting me). This was all very tough, but I could handle it.

What was much more difficult to handle was when hubs came home and I was still the only one parenting her. When I told her of her abnormal behavior and he told me "not everyone is as perfect as you and your sisters". When I told her what she did in town and he thought I was over-reacting. When he did not support me or stand behind me. When he assumed on deployments over the summer when SD could go with him that I would keep her instead. When he treated me like her mom when it was convenient (cook her supper) or not her mom when that was more convenient (no mother's day gifts for me).

Now, 7 years into our marriage, he finally is being a good husband. He finally supports me, he finally listens to me, he finally sees SD has a problem and I was right all these years. I fear it is now too late to salvage a relationship with SD. I just don't like her because he allowed her to get away with too much and I fear she is too old to change. I resent that he could have gotten her counseling when I first noticed a problem but he wouldn't open his eyes and see it.

What I am getting at is that YOU are the big factor in this equation. Whether the situation works or not is up to you. Kudos for you for coming here for advice. I'm sure your son is charming, but even if he is not, your attitude and actions can still make it work.

You need to LISTEN to your fiance, even if what she says is hard to hear. Be ATTENTIVE to unspoken clues that she is stressed (and whisk her away on a date). Be a UNITED FRONT at ALL TIMES and NEVER allow your son to disrespect her. You never disrespect her either. Your fiance and your relationship with HER need to be your top priorities. You picked her knowing she would be a good step-mom...now sit back and be comfortable that you did the best by your son by picking her. Now SHE is your top priority. Nurture your relationship with her and your kids will reap the rewards. Put your relationship with the kids first instead and you will tear apart your relationship with your fiance and ruin the stability and love the kids had in their home.

Sorry if this is intense...I just feel for your fiance because I know how stressful this situation could get for her. I have been burned out and I don't wish it upon anyone!

First off...I'd say...

MARRY HER...

That'd be the first step in squashing any feelings that she might start having that she's nothing but an unpaid babysitter, taxi driver, tutor, cook, etc...etc...

and definitely what the other ladies above said...I agree 100%

Your fiance has made a decision to be with you and be a part of you WHOLE life, which includes your son. It may take some adjusting but she will need to assume the responsibility

"Your fiance has made a decision to be with you and be a part of you WHOLE life, which includes your son. It may take some adjusting but she will need to assume the responsibility"

And this is the attitude that will create a resentful wife and ruin a marriage faster then anything else in the whole world! He needs to understanding and sensitive to his wifes feelings. She IS BEING ASKED TO RAISE a kid that is NOT hers! That is A HUGE deal.

You can't just ASSUME that she should take on the responsibility and be done with it. It doesn't work that way. there are al kinds of things that have to be discussed and and agreed upon AND for him ENFORCE!

I do a lot of parenting of my SS. I don't mind because I set rules, enforce them, and have my husband's support. If we don't agree on something, we don't disagree in front of my SS. In front of him, we are a united front at all times. Period. He is only 8, and his lovely mother likes to tell him he doesn't have to listen or now that we are married, that he isn't important to us. Gotta just love a woman who walked away from her marriage and child.... He lives with us full time. When she takes her time with him, she has him 3 nights/14 and for two afternoons a week. He's a great kid, but I do have concerns over the teen years to come. My husband is a fabulous listener. I can vent my frustration, anger, fears to him in private about this whole step-parenting thing. He has my back. Sometimes, he offers solutions and suggestions about his involvement or how he can support. Sometimes, he just gives me a hug and says he's sorry I fell the way I do, but he understands it is hard. We all do things together and we all do things 2 at a time. I think it is really important for everyone in a blended situation to spend 1:1 time with all the other members. I have 1:1 time with SS, DH has 1:1 time with SS, and importantly, DH and I have 1:1 time. We have date night once a week to help us stay connected and keep our relationship as a unique piece and not just something that we can nurture from time to time. This is key. It does help me feel appreciated. And, finally, I can always say no. My SS is not my child and not my responsibility. He is my husband's. Because I am appreciated, I pretty much never say no.

Wow!!!

DaddyDB, kudos to you for actually considering your fiance's feelings in all of this. I would say you are miles ahead already.

My partner's 15yo daughter lives with us fulltime. I think it is hard but compared to some situations I read about on here, I feel guilty complaining.

Do the two of you agree on how you both discipline/raise your daughter? If you are both on the same page with that then it might make things easier.

Obviously it will take some time and bonding for them both to adjust. Believe me, if your fiance knows you will back her 100% in front of your son in the 'early' stages it will save grief later on. Ask her how she feels about all of this. I was thrown into a fulltime stepmom situation with little warning or discussion (that's another story).

Talk, talk, talk with her and keep talking to each other. One of the other posters said to marry her. For me, this would not sit well, it would be a huge slap in the face (depending on how she feels about all of this). If she's apprehensive about your son and her level of responsibilty, then I think it would make things worse (ie: oh, now you have to take care of my child for a lot of the time, when I can't be there and his mother chooses not to, when should we get married?)

Talk talk talk, make sure you know exactly how she feels and what she wants and expects and vice versa, you have too much to lose otherwise.

Keep us posted and once again well done for actually caring!!

TRUST HER. She's already a mom, remember?

Don't ever change a punishment or expectation that she has clearly laid down. If there is an issue, discuss it privately and come to an agreement about how it will be handled NEXT time if you really feel a change is necessary. If you must pick a 'side', it should be your wife's.

And consider this: from the sound of things your 9yo's BM doesn't sound like such a winner. I bet after some boundary testing he will ADORE his new 24/7 'mom' and you will have a wonderful blended family.

You searched online for guidance and advice to keep your family strong during this tough transition, which is so much more than many SM's experience. Bless you for that! Good luck to you all. I think it'll be great!