OT: Wedding Frustrations
I'm sure there are plenty of women on this site that have a planned a wedding or two in their lifetime. My SO just proposed to me last week (finally) and now I have to start palnning he wedding. The only issue is my SO is not receptive to this at all. At first he said that I can just do what I want, which I thought was great. But it's not working out that way. I am in the process of setting up an appointment with an event coordinator to go and look at a venue this weekend. It's filling up pretty quickly for dates for next summer so I would like to get on the ball. When I told me SO about the appointment he got all pissy about it. Why I'm not sure. I also told him that if I like the place that I am going to put the deposite down on it and he again got all pissy. I literally had to explain to him that if we wait we may not be able to get the venue at all.
It seems like evertime I bring up the wedding or any ideas that I have he gets upset about it. He was upset about it the night before last and then last night when I tried to talk about some of the ideas I had he didn't want to talk about it. I asked him if he was going to go to the cake tasting with me and he told me that he doesn't even like cake, which he doesn't. But that's not the point. The point is to build memories. He told me that he doesn't want to go and look at flowers because he doesn't care and then he told me that he's just planning on showing up.
I am frustrated at this point. I have so much to do and he is fighting me every step of the way. I just don't understand why. He doesn't want me to book a venue until we know who all is coming from his side of the family and then he tells me that I need to call his mother to ask her about it. WTF SO!! So I do all the work and get to listen to you b!tch the whole time. I'm excited. Why can't he be excited as well.
Has anybody else experienced this? Can anybody maybe explain what the heck is going on?
it seems like he proposed
it seems like he proposed without the intention of actually getting married.
my ex-brother in law did this. he proposed because his gf was pressuring him at the time and when i asked for details about his wedding he replied "oh, were not actually getting married, i just didn't want to hear her bitch about getting engaged anymore" obviously, his fiance had a different idea of how things would work. she planned everything, paid for everything and all he did was bitch the whole time and not participate in anything- he refused to help, pay or do anything because "this is for her." i told her to run and not look back- those are huge red flags imho. the marriage lasted 13 months.
When you say he "finally"
When you say he "finally" proposed to you, how did that come about?
Were you pressuring him to pop the question?
It seems odd to me that I man who lovingly requested you to be his wife would get pissy and upset at the thought of actually get married. :?
Maybe you are going too fast
Maybe you are going too fast for him. It's possible he was expecting a long engagement as opposed to having it all happen in less than a year.
We've been talking about
We've been talking about getting married for the last 8 months. Before he even proposed we talked about getting married next summer so it's not like it's a surprise for him. I just don't know what his deal is lately.
I wouldn't sweat most of what
I wouldn't sweat most of what you mentioned...I'm sure lots of guys could not care less about cake tasting and flowers and stuff. It very well might be a reality that you do all the work and he just has to show up. I'll bet it actually happens a lot.
The thing about getting "pissy" and getting weird about setting the actual date would bother me. Even though he's being resistant about talking about it, obviously you two are going to have to have a talk. Instead of trying to talk "in the heat of the moment", you might need to pre-warn him that you guys will be talking about it and even set a time, like an appointment, to have the conversation.
We could speculate all day long why he's being pissy and what it means, but you know you're going to have to talk about it. It could be a major problem is simmering...or it could be something less significant- like wedding talk and spending money on weddings irritates him.
^^^^^^^^^^^^AGREED
^^^^^^^^^^^^AGREED
I'm spending the money on the
I'm spending the money on the wedding not him so that's not an issue. He has been tiered recently. Now that both the girls are in first grade I get them to school and he picks them up and then he has to pickup his BS(4) from daycare and then he comes home and cooks dinner and gives them baths if they need it. I work late and usually don't get home until 6:30 to 6:45. When I get home I usually do homework with the girls, help with getting everybody to bed, do some laundry, and pick up after the kids.
I'm not sure what his deal is. I think that setting aside a time where we can both talk about it is a good idea.
Sounds like he doesn't want a
Sounds like he doesn't want a big wedding...We didn't and went off to Costa Rica with just the kids and his brother and sister. Did all the high adventure stuff and then got married on the beach for about $500. My dress cost more than the actual wedding.
I would check in with him, because it really sounds like he already has what he wants and doesn't really want the wedding...
It's not going to be a big
It's not going to be a big wedding. Maybe 35 people. He already had his big wedding with his ex. This is my first and hopefully only wedding and I would like to actually have some sort of resemblence of a real wedding. Nothing huge. I'm thinking with the honeymoon included I only want to spend around 5,000 dollars on the whole thing.
And I know he wants to marry
And I know he wants to marry me. Before he even proposed he was calling my his future wife.
Foxie, Usually I find your
Foxie,
Usually I find your advise helpful but not this time. I don't understand why some of the people of this website always say to run. Run where? Maybe my SO is having a bad week. Maybe he hasn't been getting enough sleep. There are so many variables in why someone can come off as being pissy. I just don't understand your logic of running. All I did was post my frustrations and asked if anyone has ever experienced this before. I love my SO. I know he loves me and would do anything for me. Why would I run from that? I have offered to do the courthouse thing and he refused because he wants a wedding. He's just being a little butt about helping me plan it.
She's advising you to run
She's advising you to run because it's a lot easier to get out of a relationship BEFORE a wedding than afterwards!
Men usually don't get into
Men usually don't get into the planning of weddings like women do. Some literally want to just show up. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Have you set a date? Has he actually said what kind of wedding he wants? If he says for you to just plan it, go do your thing. If he doesn't like something, tough...he had a chance at input! If he's willing to set a date and invite people, I think you're ok.
Being a very direct person, I would just come out and ask him what's going on. That approach may not work for you two. I hope he was just cranky!
I don't understand why some
I don't understand why some of the people of this website always say to run
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think a lot of people on this site give that advice because they are WAY to chicken to do it themselves so they feel big if they can talk someone else into it. I rarely advise to run, and this would certainly not be one of those times.
I have to lol a bit because your SO is acting like my DD right now. I/we are planning her wedding right now. (Congrats by the way!) She is overwhelmed and does not like change and her whole life is changing and it is like she just now realizes it. It has not put her in a great mood.
Maybe let him have a little bit to decompress. PS…are you the one who’s SO kept proposing as a joke? If you are that one, then I may have a different point of view on this. Good luck!
Maybe she's saying it because
Maybe she's saying it because of Unhappy's bio:
I'm dating some one who has two out of control children that are driving me crazy
Because "they are a package deal" and she "knew what she was getting herself into."
ripley, Very well spoken and
ripley,
Very well spoken and informative as usual. I always appreciate the advise that you offer.
Thanks
Ripley, I love this reply! I
Ripley, I love this reply! I totally agree!
Thanks for the congrats
Thanks for the congrats Willow2010 and for your input CalgonTakeMeAway. I think he is the type that just wants to show up which is fine but he doesn't have to be all pissy to me when I am going to be doing all the planning.
skylarksms,
He does have two crazy out of control kids. It's not their fault. It comes from the parenting or lack ther of. But they are getting better. They are a work in progress and come with their own set of challenges but that doesn't mean things can't change. My SO is working very hard on them everytime we have them as far as setting boundaries and enforcing said boundaries. It's not easy but from what I have learned about life, nothing ever is. Heck even my BD(7) comes with her own set of challenges. It's even worse when her BF is telling her he hates SO even though he has never taken the time of day to meet him. This causes her to lash out at SO. This life isn't easy and that much I do understand. I have had 3 step mothers personally growing up so I do have a general idea as to what's going through these kid's minds.
My SO and I grew up about an hour apart from each other and never even met. I moved up to Alaska to live with my mother when I was a teenager. After I got out of school I got a job at a nice restaraunt in Anchorage. I worked double shifts 6 days a week. My SO used to go up to Alaska to go fishing and would frequent that restaraunt all the time on his trips. The same year we both moved to the location we are at now. About three months after I got pregnant so did his ex with their first kid. We both had the same doctor. I just think all of this is crazy. We could have met so many times before. We probably did when I worked at the restaraunt in Anchorage. I usually am not somebody who believes in fate but all this is to much. We just kept following each other without even meaning to.
What I do know is that I love my SO. He puts up with my crazy which is more then I could ask of anybody and I know that he is a package deal with his kids.
HE. IS. A. MAN... I don't
HE. IS. A. MAN...
I don't know ANY straight man that wants to get involved with planning a wedding...
Also, how does he feel about spending money? If he's naturally frugal, of course the thought of spending $$ is going to piss him off...My DH wanted a small wedding cause it can cost less (and I did, too), so I took a back seat to the financials, and let him come up with a number (within reality...)...
It's all about APPROACH...
When DH and I got engaged, he was very uninvolved...VERY...I was excited...Him...eh...He could care less...This was the first marriage for both of us, and that fact didn't change anything...
The ONLY thing that got him involved was when I did things that HE liked...Incorporated things that he cared about into the wedding...I swear...Night and day...Case in point...The venue...It was at a tea house. They served some SERIOUSLY good southern soul food...That was the ONLY thing that got my DH jazzed...FOOD...and I compromised there because I wanted him excited...Sure, I was looking at the froo-froo menus at different locations, but at the end of the day DH hit a home run with demanding that and 3 years later people are still talking about the food...
I chose that venue because he agreed to go to the "tasting"...which was a Sunday soul food brunch after church...He was completely sold after that especially when the man that owned the tea house came out to talk to us and showed us around...
Some men really don't care about the details...they really DO want to just show up...
It takes some finessing to get them involved if you think getting them involved is important to you...It was for me, so I got him involved with the things that interested him, and incorporated things that would interest him...
Flowers? Not a chance...Color choices?? Nope...Looking back...I'm glad I didn't force those issues...Those aren't memories that mean anything to me...What interested me was that he was enjoying the process, and I know what my man enjoys...
FOOD...
I started with the food...and the venue fell right into place...
He was also into the wine choices...He LOVES wine, so we got a local winery to supply the wine...He was totally into that "tasting"...
And since my DH is a history fanatic, I chose a location that is on the Historical registry in our town...Sucked his azz right in...
I'm a control freak, so I didn't really want him THAT involved...and it worked out perfectly...
GL and congrats!
Seriously - you should RUN!
Seriously - you should RUN! You aren't happy now with the skids, why do you think after getting married you won't be even unhappier? I don't think he's trying very hard to make you happy (important attribute). You are 29 -- find another guy w/o kids willing to help you vs. what you've got going now.
SO and I talked last night
SO and I talked last night and he is excited. He said that he has just been so tiered lately due to the schedule change with the kids that it's put him in a bad mood. Which is understandable. I made the appointmentment today to go and view a venue on Sunday and have set the buget at around $5000.00 which will hopefully include the honeymoon. He is a very frugel man, which is okay. I don't want a huge wedding. My theme is simple yet elegant.
Thanks Ripley.
Thanks Ripley.
Congrats girl! Don't worry
Congrats girl! Don't worry too much about him not being into the planning - it means nothing. I am not doing any planning yet for my wedding to FH because BM is STILL dragging out the damned divorce. However, when I married my ex, he was not at all interested in the planning but we were married for 17 years - more good than bad - and remain friendly to this day. Not being interested in the planning has nothing to do with wanting to marry you or not.