Is this what you mean by disengaging?
Hi all - so I've complained a few times about my BM's nephew who comes over to our house with my Skids each visitation weekend. He was taken in by BM and DH when he was almost two and is now 14. It is BM's sisters kid, but BM has sole guardianship. I get that DH helped raise him so I am trying my best to be understanding, but as I've mentioned before, this kid is not even mentioned in the court paperwork and DH has no legal obligation to him. And he is THE MOST annoying kid I have ever met. BM is such a bitch, constantly complaining that we don't do enough, she doesn't get enough money, etc, but then dumps her responsibiity on us so that she can go out and party with her gross friends every other weekend.
Here is what I've come up with - he only comes over every other weekend with the skids so I won't say anything for now and let DH play father figure. However, I don't call this kid my skid, I don't deal with him other than to be polite, I try to stay away when he is here, don't buy him birthday gifts or any gifts for that matter, will NOT include him on vacations other than camping - basically, I treat him like a guest. I am polite, but I do not spend time with him or go out of my way. I guess its working, but just the sound of his voice (he is always making obnoxious noises) or his daily messes (he leaves trash and crap EVERYWHERE) and his constant breaking/destroying of my SD's toys and our household stuff is killing me. Should I just confront DH again and tell him I don't want the kid here? I've already been reminding him that this kid is not his son, we have no obligation, and he is a major pain. DH agreed, but feels like the kid has no one else. Ummmm...he has BM - she is actually a member of his family. Maybe a compromise where he comes over one weekend a month instead of two?
Yuck! Are your skids close
Yuck!
Are your skids close to him? How would they react if he wasn't coming as much? I guess I'm wondering if the benefit of not having him over as much would be worth the cost.
Does he have any outside interests? Sports, etc? Can DH find ways to keep him busy doing things that minimizes your exposure to him? You're entitled to peace and harmony in your own home.
Hopefully he will soon lose interest in coming to see you guys - once he gets more and more interested in his own thing... his friends, girlfriends... I hope....
If DH helped raise him, he is
If DH helped raise him, he is as good as his IMO. My DH sees my DD as his and I see SS as mine. You have less than four years before his visits will come to an end. I am not trying to minimize how much you hate the situation. I truly do understand, I have a kid that I can not stand that comes over as part of a package with some of our family. I always count the years until she is an adult and will be doing her own thing...
It will be over before you know it, and your relationship will be stronger with your DH and SK's than if you pushed out part of the family they have always known. (((hugs)))
Sigh - thanks all. That's
Sigh - thanks all. That's what I am thinking too - SS12 might actually like some alone time over here so thats how I could phrase it eventually. The nephew has some real issues and is totally annoying to everyone. I did complain to DH once because this kid broke my hanging swing (on the deck outside our bedroom) then put it back up without saying anything and I hurt myself really badly on it the next time I sat on it. He also stained the new carpet by spilling soda and just walking away. He will look right at you when you tell him to do something and act like he can't hear you. DH calls him on it, but admits he is totally annoying and reminds me that at least he spends most of his time locked up downstairs playing video games, (sigh). DH even talked to him about being disrespectful to me in front of BM and she reminded the kid that we are under no obligation to have him over. Of course, she still just drops him off without asking. I'll just get more strict about privacy in my room so I have somewhere to go to get away from him and try to slowly work on pushing "alone" time with SD and SS. I get that they included him in their family when they were a family with BM, but we have our own family now and it doesn't include BM's side of the family. I just can't get over my resentment about it. If DH wants to play dad then he can go pick up the kid and take him somewhere fun - I shouldn't have to deal with him.
Sorry - my last post sounds
Sorry - my last post sounds contrary to everyone's advice, lol. It was alot of random thoughts. I am going to do my best to put up with him for now.
UGGGGHHHH! He literally just
UGGGGHHHH! He literally just woke up, wandered in my room without knocking (as usual) where I am relaxing and annoyed me by claiming a super nice set of Temperpedic pillows I just bought SS and DD. Did I mention he NEVER washes himself and DH has even joked that since we bought a new hot tub at least this kid will get a bath somehow? He also constantly asks or hints for me to buy him things and is now acting like the pillows are his. I don't want his gross head on that new set of pillows! Now he is hanging with all his weight off the side of my canopy bed even though I have told him two dozen times not too because it bends the frame. Even though I tell him he can watch TV in the other room, he will just stand here watching my TV while I am relaxing in my bed on the computer and act like he doesn't understand english. He goes or DH goes is how I feel this minute. Luckily DH is out of the house for an hour and I'll probably calm down before he comes back.
I don't think there is
I don't think there is anything wrong with having DH call BM and say he wants next weekend, or whatever weekend in the future, to be with just DD and SS. I didn't mean that when I replied, and quite frankly, it sounds like you guys need a weekend without him. I think every child deserves some alone time with each parent. Sorry you are dealing with this...
Oh, and not bathing is not an option if you stay at my house you take a bath. Even the kids' friends that come over must bathe, it is mandatory! That is unless you want me to :sick:
yeah...you shouldnt have to
yeah...you shouldnt have to put up with that child....
Different if your DH lived alone without a wife....but sending her sisters child to your place for you to feed and shelter is not right....
dont do it any longer is what I suggest
get you DH to give the sad news to the BM tell her to send him to her mothers or something...
what a cheek...?
why is he in your bedroom?
why is he in your bedroom? I'd just make a no kids in bedroom rule. My skids don't come to mine and when they do, they get a look that this is not where they should be.
This sounds like a really
This sounds like a really tough spot to be in. DH used to take BM's daughter on days he had SS and sometimes she even stayed the night. It was awkward...especially the one night she laid in our bed and told DH that BM and him used to be in love and sleep in the same bed. It was just weird. This was before we were married and she stopped the visits as soon as she saw the diamond on my finger. BUT think of it from the kid's point of view...he is 14...this man raised him. I disagree with trying to cut him out of the picture. That could really scar the kid just bc you find him annoying. It's really not fair. My DD gets dismissed by her father and his new girlfriend bc the girlfriend doesn't care for DD. And I can tell you FIRST HAND- it hurts. No child should feel unwanted by their primary care giver and that is what your DH was. I know alot of us bitch and moan about the skids but really, to disregard this child who obviously means something to DH bc he's not technically family, is harsh. I hope for everyone's sake you find a peaceful way to deal with the next 4 years without causing him emotional harm. He is only a child.
Sounds like the young man
Sounds like the young man needs some direction and a father figure in his life. It sucks for you to deal with all of this but he is just "a kid" needing help and to feel like he belongs and is loved. I'd say bite your lip...and schedule some girls weekends away! LOL
I think the 'hanging around
I think the 'hanging around you' think is his socially inept way of pleading for attention. I'd try to be pleasant, if a kid was there when I opened my eyes I'd be saying 'scoot...I'll be right with you once I've had my coffee buddy,' Then I'd approach the kid and ask if there was something he needed, or ask if there's something he'd like to do. I am fairly sure that the kid is manipulating too, show me a kid who isn't?
DH could be encouraged to spend more time with the kids too!? I cannot even begin to imagine being abandoned by my parents, that's a hell of a void for a kid to fill! Even so, there are rules in society and it's our responsibility as parents to educate and prepare our kids for their future in society. I think that, unless he's a total sociopath, the kid can grow to encompass your values and develop and grow up to be a decent guy.