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4yr old daughter and my partner not getting on...

neilw's picture

Submitted by neilw on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 7:44am

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Hi, Im Neil, im new on here so hello everyone!! Basically im seperated from the mother of my 4 yr old daughter, have been for 18 months or so. Now live with my girlfriend, who at first got on great with my daughter bt now my daughter cries for no apparent reason. Its got to the point were I dont feel I can leave them in the same room together. I dont know what is causing it, but any advice, ideas, anything really will be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks in advance, Neil.

WeddedBliss.sofar's picture

Submitted by WeddedBliss.sofar on Tue, 09/13/2011 - 8:28am

How long have the two of you been living together? And did the girlfriend spend time with the 4 y/o before you moved in together? Does the girlfriend want to spend time with the 4 y/o.....like doing things just the two of them? Do you and your ex get along? Is she okay with the girlfriend? There are so many reasons why the 4 y/o could be acting out now. Maybe your ex says bad things about the girlfriend...

neilw's picture

Submitted by neilw on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 9:08am

Hi, We've been living together for about 7 months, they didnt spend much time together before we moved in. The Girlfriend does want to spenf time with the 4 yo, and does lovely things for her like taking us all (as in the 3 of us) to see the hungry caterpillar at the theatre. Im pretty sure the ex does say bad things about the girlfriend but this behaviour is so sudden. As i said previously im fearful of leaving them alone together for fear of tantrums....Sorry for being so whiney but I dont know what elose to do!!

liks's picture

Submitted by liks on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 9:34am

I truly believe you need to sit down with your daughter and ask her whats wrong...but be warned....your daughter may lie like my 2 skids do to their father.

Try to see what disgusting stuff your ex is saying about your new daughter....my DH ex invents all sorts of things to build up resentment of them towards me. One of the most amazing stories that I heard of late was that I broke up the marriage as I was having an affair with my DH whilst he was married to the ex....mate I was living in Australia married with three kids during that time??? however....the DH's BS's believe their mother - odd

Im also an ex wife and I can tell you that I would love to make my kids hate their fathers new wife....I would be so happy to see them annoy her like my skids annoy me....

But, I dont say such spiteful stuff....

maybe you could let your daughter know that your ex hates you and may start to say hurtful and untruthful things about you and your girlfriend...and she should let you know if she does.....

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Submitted by CalgonTakeMeAway on Thu, 09/29/2011 - 4:07pm

maybe you could let your daughter know that your ex hates you and may start to say hurtful and untruthful things about you and your girlfriend...and she should let you know if she does.....

I would not do this. It's putting a small child in the middle of adult conflict. In a perfect world, the child would see BM and BD working together peacefully. I know this isn't a perfect world, but no child is equipped to hear that one parent hates the other. That's a lot of responsibility to put on a kid, asking them to rat out the other parent.

The thing I don't understand is, why aren't you divorced yet? Technically you're still married and living with another woman. I would be more worried about what message that's sending to the child. I think kids are brought into adult relationships way too soon.

I do agree that you could ask your daughter what's going on, why she's crying. If she's unable to answer, there's a chance her mom is saying bad things. If something's going on that she really feels, she should be able to answer. She may not want to, though, because she won't want anybody to be mad at her.

That is a lot of change for a little girl. Make sure you spend lots of time with her. If you suspect your GF could be doing this just to spend more time with you, you need to seriously rethink the relationship.

neilw's picture

Submitted by neilw on Thu, 09/29/2011 - 12:06pm

Spoke to daughters mother today, apparently she thinks my girlfriend is angry, stamps her feet. To be fair she does have a short temper but does not do anything outside of the boundary of normal telling off, if she did I would put a stop to it there and then. Cant work out if daughter being devious, or girlfriend trying to make her look bad as wants more attention (we have my daughter 3 weekends in 4, and minimal time in week together...)

my.kids.mom's picture

Submitted by my.kids.mom on Thu, 09/29/2011 - 3:39pm

She is 4. She needs her Daddy. Alone. I don't understand how people can move in together without making more of a commitment, and then expect their young children to be in love with the SO just because. Children come before the new bf, gf, etc. Your new bf, gf, etc. will not like this. Therein lies the problem. If you trust your own parenting and your daughter's mom's parenting, then there is probably a problem with the gf. I've seen 4 yr olds manipulate, but usually it's because the parents are not doing their job. My guess is the 4 yr old has a better instinct than you do. (I've been the step mom, and now am gf to a man with 3 kids. While most of us are angels Smile there are crazy women out there and they aren't all BMs)