Are step parents just traumatized??
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I think step parents go off their own experiences, and what they read on here and don't see there are good kids and want their parents to be happy. They're so traumatized by their own experiences that they can't belive there are maybe just happy kids out there.
I doubt most people who are having good experiences are posting on here seeing as it's mesnt for people who need advice.
This is exactly what I mean.
This is exactly what I mean. I came on her hoping to get input from step moms on issues that I didn't know how to handle on my own. I want to have a relationship with my dad's gf. As long as she's in his life then if I want to be in my dad's I have to be in hers. I was hoping that me and her could respect each other enough to be able to talk to each other when something was bothering us about each other. What's wrong with that?
I like your post stepaside.
I like your post stepaside. The way you said this, without belittling anyone, is very likely to actually be heard. You are very good about that. I am not being condescending; I really think you are a great asset to this site.
I admire your intentions
I admire your intentions qtpie, I really do believe that you should look elsewhere for advice though. On here we vent our negativity rather than give it to the kids or our husbands. Personally I have three kids who had absolutely no social skills, other than to manipulate people, and who totally disrespected everybody and every thing. One of my SKids is in a secure juvenile facility right now. I am telling you these things so that you can understand how horrible life can be for me as a step mother.
I am saying things on here so that I can keep a balance of peace at home, my husband is all too aware of how horrible his kids are and for me to just compound those issues is not helpful to iether of us.
I really think that the best way to handle things is to treat other people as you would like them to treat you...unless you are a wierd massochist, which I doubt! LOL
It can take every ounce of energy just to remain calm in a situation where you disagree with someone, yet you have to be prepared to stand your ground in a disagreement without allowing it to escalate into a quarrel. I think your intentions are good and I believe that you can overcome the little details and move forward to a healthy relationship with your stepmom. Good luck!
I have excellent children and
I have excellent children and stepchildren. I come here to vent because my stepchildrens' biomoms are completely worthless and don't seem to appreciate what jewels their children are. It hurts my stepchildren, who live with me full time, therefore it upsets me. Who else would understand more than other stepparents who deal with asshole BMs all the time?
I have horrible SKids, their
I have horrible SKids, their mother's had NO clue and messed them up badly...then abandoned them to DH and I.
I wonder (scratches head here) if I am not getting the presto magic because the line was too long and they were fresh out?
I have a relatively good
I have a relatively good relationship with my stepson, although it's been a struggle. I post on another parenting board far more frequently and lurk over here, but I've been trying to post more so that especially newbie stepparents see that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Since this forum is a place to vent, it tends to have a lot of stepparents going through extreme problems and really major disfunctional relationships, and that breeds a certain negativity.
I imagine if I had posted on here three years ago, I would have been told to disengage from my stepson and give up on him. But that would mean I would be missing out on the relationship I now have with him.
Nobody is claiming there are
Nobody is claiming there are no happy kids or happy step-families. We all talk about our own individual struggles. This site is designed for people having troubles. If it was call "Happy Step-Families", then none of us would be here. When I post, I don't post about other people's lives. I post about my life.
Here is the bottom line...if you want a good relationship with your dad's gf, treat her with respect and keep an open line of communication. It sounds like you are already doing that. It also sounds like you're a really nice kid with a great future. It doesn't sound like you're having any real problems with your situation. If you do, I think you'd be better off talking to a therapist or another adult in your life that you trust. I don't think this is the place for you to post. Good luck with everything!
There are people here that
There are people here that have good experiences, but usually that's not when they need to vent.
I have a pretty good relationship with my stepkids, but it's not free of issues. My SS23 is great. He has always been easy and good and respectful and does not feel like he should have a say in our lives. My SD18 and I have had it rough, but now that she is out on her own, we actually do things together as people that are capable of enjoying one another. The last couple of years that she lived at home, I basically has partially disengaged, without knowing there was a name for it. We definitely had some "territorial" issues and she did feel that she had a say in her father's choices. It was up to him to make it clear she did not, and he did.
The only danger I see with some people that have tried it all and are just done with this and can't stand the skids, is that some new step parents may come along and be given some advice that is not productive. In that case I think that a mix of advice, coming from both those that have tried and things kept going wrong, and from those that have had better outcomes, is essential.
One thing is for sure, being a step parent is really, really hard and you need a flashlight to find the reward in it.
If you want a good
If you want a good relationship with your fathers' girlfriend and you want your father to be happy try this - smile. Just smile and be pleasant when you are with them. I would give the world if I could just get my step-children to smile once in a while and be pleasant when they are with us. It would give me hope and make their fathers' day.
I love what you said, beyond,
I love what you said, beyond, it hurts my husband when they behave so abominably towards me too. He tells me that he honestly cannot figure out where this animosity came from, I can tell him in a very short sentence, the kids are PAS'd by BM!
I disengaged for the largest part, I love them still, I enjoyed moments when SD was doing some introspection and said she now understands why I did what I did back then...going back 8 years now. I used to respond to some of her questions with 'I'll tell you when you get older sweetie.' and, sure enough, she's older and wiser now. She gets released from juvenile facility in January, all going well, and we can be more together than ever before, she's a university student and highly intelligent, just waited for common sense to get up to speed with her intelligence...right?
If you want to become a part
If you want to become a part of someone's life, the best thing to do is find things about them that you like or agree with, and discuss these things together. Try to seek out common ground.
I don't think "(talking) to each other when something was bothering us about each other" has anything to do with making a relationship with someone. That's more about finding bad things, to pick at. Leave that stuff alone.
One day you are going to love someone as a partner. You'll want that person's family to welcome you, to find the good things about you, and maybe learn to love you- not sit you down to tell you why you suck.
Your dad is in love- this woman is his partner. What good can you find in this? What about her makes him love her? Show her the parts of you that make YOU lovable, and look for those parts of her.
You can't control other adults at all and never will you be able to- you have to find ways to either live with people's flaws, or ignore them. Harmonious families don't happen because everyone is perfect. They happen because nobody minds, or pays too much attention to, or points out, the other's flaws.
Good luck
As great as your intentions
As great as your intentions may be this still isn't the site for you. We come here to vent and talk to other step parents. It defeats the purpose of the site for you to be here venting about your step. Find a place that is meant for skids to vent. I'm sure there's loads of chats and things meant for you!