How long can SD stay on restriction....forever?
This is my first time posting. My SD13 is driving me nuts. Today I just discovered that she scratched her name and the name of the current boy she loves into the bathroom counter!! She is already on restriction for sneaking a boy into her BM's house. And last week she threatened to move permanently to her mom's (we have her on Wednesday's and EO weekend. I wish she would stop teasing me and just go already!! I have been disengaging thanks to you wonderful people on here. If I talk to her and she doesn't like what I have to say then she complains, if I don't talk to her then it is child abuse---do you think the court would agree with that? She is now doing damage to my house, so she has even more restriction coming for the weekend. Thanks for letting me vent! Any suggestions besides restrictions?
No Facebook or Phone...That
No Facebook or Phone...That works better than grounding for this age. Make sure she doesn't use Facebook somewhere else. I once turned off a phone since I paid for it and turned it back on when I felt that my point was made. Worked great for my son....
She has a cell but only at
She has a cell but only at BM's house. We didn't think she was mature enough for one but BM gave her one anyway, which she can't use since she is still on restrictions for sneaking the boy in. She also doesn't have Facebook for the same reason. It doesn't help that every time we try to discipline her at our house, BM jumps in and there are two fights we have to have. But when SD gets punished at BM's we follow through with it at our house, but she doesn't do the same for us. BM tries to be her friend and get the punishment changed over here, which doesn't work. I no longer fight with SD (disengaged) and am not on speaking terms with BM. But there is some new drama EO weekend and I am just exhausted. We have a 2 year old and my mother living with us and it affects everyone. When SD is not here, everyone is happy and the house is so peaceful and wonderful. Other than having her spending most of the weekend in her room, we don't know what else to do.
I applaud you and your
I applaud you and your husband for at least being on the same page with regard to her discipline, as well as which devices she's allowed to have or not have based on her maturity level. If my DW and I could get together on a few key issues like this life would be much easier for both of us.
Wow. I'd want to kill her. No
Wow. I'd want to kill her.
No advice.
Just sympathy.
Who has primary custody? If
Who has primary custody? If it is her mother get DH to call her and tell her that SD has destryed property in your house and you are filing a claim with your insurance company who, in turn, will be in contact to recover costs. See, being BM and the B all end all of everything comes with the responsibility for your own child. She destryed your property, your insurance can recover the cost from her or her insurance company.
And it happens every freaking time.
Just tell SD that she can draw a tattoo of her name and BFs on herself and give her a handful of sharpies in various colours. And then send her home to BMS place.
I've found out another way
I've found out another way that they can text is through their IPODS (the touch kind) because they have wireless capabilities .... so if she has that, they can still text and use facebook, etc. So just fyi. I agree with the other posters, just take away the things she loves and tell her why and take them away for a certain period of time. When she can start acting more mature, then she can start getting some of her "privileges" back. Trust is earned. It is not given freely. I've told my kids that trust is like a savings account --- they make deposits, and withdrawals. Unfortunately when they make a bad choice they make a large withdrawal and they have to start making deposits again to build that trust back up again. Now, my DH, he gives trust just freely as though its candy. Drives me nuts. And he has no memory. Again, drives me nuts. Oh well. I'm trying.
WOW---you guys are awesome!!
WOW---you guys are awesome!! Thank you so much! It was good for her that she wasn't here today because I would have told her off. She is supposed to come here tonight and my stomach is knots, but I will let DH deal with it. I hate drama! These are all great suggestions...please keep them coming!!
Just keep in mind... You can
Just keep in mind...
You can put a kid on restriction forever. SD15 is on perma-restriction because BM is too lazy to parent. She doesn't have any electronics except for a netbook DH and I bought her, but she's had that taken away all but 3 months of the last 2 years, for doing things like being on Facebook at midnight on a school night. For that, I blame BM. At our house, all electronics come into the parents bedroom at bedtime. It's like putting a cookie where a 4yo can get at it and saying, "promise you won't ever eat that."
Digressions aside - if the kid is on perma-restriction, they're eventually going to drive you crazy. They're going to figure there's no real consequences for misbehaving because they're permanently grounded anyway.
Of course, vandalism... I'd have THE nicest landscaping in town. At $5/hour, yard work and on-the-knees inch-by-inch scrubbing of the house will take... oh, 2-3 weekends to make enough to buy all the supplies to buy you a new vanity. Then she and your DH install it. (DH and I re-did countertops in the kitchen - it's not that hard)
I think the most logical
I think the most logical consequence that isn't just a punishment, is having her figure out how her scratching the counter can be fixed and if it cannot be fixed without replacing the counter, then you guys can figure out a realistic amount of $ in damages and have her work it off.
Well, well, well, SD is all
Well, well, well, SD is all of a sudden kissing up to me this weekend (the few moments she is out of her room). Even DH noticed how much she was trying to butter me up. And what do ya know, she wants to join the volleyball team next week and to so she needs $$. Guess who is in control of the finances in our house? Yup, that would be "wicked stepmother!" So now the form for the volleyball is sitting blank and lonely on the kitchen counter and she needs to turn it in next week. It is turning out to be a better weekend than I thought
For the record, I think it will be a positive thing for her to join the team. It will keep her at school and supervised a little longer during the day. But between the damage to the counter and the money for the team, she will have lots and lots of chores to do around here for a very long time. Her BM hands everything to SD so she is spoiled. We will let her join and give her the money (BM will pay half), but with all the hell she puts us all through, I will make her sweat it out as long as I can.
^^^^^^ Loving this! I used to
^^^^^^ Loving this! I used to have a nephew living with me a few years back. This darling's parents were just a hot mess; Dad was active duty military at the time & mom was absolutely out of control. My nephew did something just plain irresponsible, so I did the only thing I could do to discipline him. I made him work it off by doing yard work and whatever chores I knew he could do decently.
When I told him that he would be my "house-boy" and his new name was Pepe? The rest of the friends continued that nickname. Did he learn? Yes. If SD wants to be involved in sports, yes; I agree. Let her work it off for the money. BTW? Sharpies are awesome! My niece is allowed to use the nail polish pens to do her "artwork" and it just washes off with soap & water. I also gave my own DD20 art sketch pads, charcoals, water colors & crayons. So did her godmother; so we encouraged the creativity? But in a positive manner. Good luck with SD13!
I have all kinds of chores
I have all kinds of chores for her to do around here! I might buy myself some Bon Bons and rent myself some movies with all the free time that I will finally have
She is still kissing up to me, it is so obvious and hilarious and me and DH have to stop ourselves from laughing in front of her--lol 
She has sharpies and all kinds of art supplies. She is just trying to push my buttons with the counter scratching. Oh and she is totally denying that she did it. It must have been someone that lived here before us with the exact same nickname and the four of us never noticed it for the two and a half years since we bought this house---yah right.
Thanks again to everyone for their posts. There were some helpful suggestions and I really appreciate all the support!! I think being able to vent on this site is the only reason I was able to keep my sanity this weekend. You guys ROCK!!!
I didn't read all the replies
I didn't read all the replies but I would go straight to my bf and first I'd make him pay for the damage and tell him that it is up to him how he handles her however EVERY TIME she damages MY home I will make you pay to have it fixed!
That should get his butt in gear with making sure this doesn't happen again.
I say thins as some times it takes things like this to get the parents to make sure their kid is under control. I have done this and I have had to pay for a new paint job on a bf's truck when my dd scratched her name in it. I don't know why she did it but the funny thing was she tried to say she didn't do it. I looked at her dead in the eyes and said maybe you shouldn't have written YOUR name then! Trust me she NEVER did that again.
My point is that hitting them in the pocket is very effective. }:)