I've been told to ignore the SD's behavior towards me, but I can't seem to.
I've been with my BF for close to three years now. He has two children from a previous marriage: a 14 year old girl and a 12 year old boy. The boy and I get along great, we have from the beginning. The trouble is with his daughter. From the start things never went well. She has had meltdown after meltdown from day one. On the plus side they live with their mother in France while my BF and I have lived in Chicago for the first two years of our relationship and just recently moved to Brussels (this brings us closer to the kids).
My BF isn't very hands-on when it comes to his kids. He's an "avoider", of sorts, and doesn't really react to the things his daughter does. I tend to react more often than he does and this not only frustrates me because of what his daughter does, but also because often times he doesn't say anything to her and leaves me to be the one to respond to her behavior. When I ask him why he doesn't react to her he tells me it's because he doesn't want to make the situation worse than it already is. He feels that by under-reacting he is, in a way, keeping things calm. What he doesn't understand is that by not reacting (and therefore calling her out on things) he is, in essence, telling her that her behavior is okay and that since I am the only one reacting it's only a problem for me. I try to give him suggestions based on how I was raised (he's an only child and I have two brothers) but I don't feel he listens to me much. He seems to think his method is better.
I've been told by my BF's mother and aunts that I should just ignore her and that I should not take it personally (because that's what they do), and that she doesn't hate me but the IDEA of me. That's hard to do when I'm the one on the receiving end of her looks-of-death and nasty remarks. I want to ignore her. I'd rather not think about her at all and it would seem easier to do given that she doesn't live with us and that he doesn't see them on a weekly or even bi-weekly basis. But it's hard to not think about her. I have tried and tried to get her to see I'm not the terrible person she thinks I am, but just when I think I may have made some progress she gets pissed off about something (and I never know what it is that sets her off) and she stops talking to me.
My question to you all is, how can one not think about a SD? As much as I'm beginning to dislike her now, I would prefer we got along, but I've reached the point where I'm washing my hands of it. Suddenly 18 doesn't feel like it's getting here fast enough. :?
I have sd's over 18 and it
I have sd's over 18 and it doesnt get much better. Their behavior still gets to me at times even if they dont live with us or even call/come by more than once a year. Seeing them in public drives me nuts bc of the way they ignore me. I could ignore them, but I was raised tobe more polite than that. One sd said in front of me to df "I dont like who you are with, but I am glad you are happy." WTF!!! who does that? I dont like her, but I am nice to her in person atleast. Your SD will probably always hate you, sd's feel its if you are competiton for their dad and that will never end. Anytime she doesnt get everything she wants it will be your fault. Get used to that. All I can do to cope is to focus on the "us" part. He and I are great, he is supportive of me and how I feel. Just dont focus on the negative, its way too toxic and there is too much of it. Some SM's on here that have skids under 18 play the nasty comments back in an adult way. Like if she says your dinner is gross and asks for a snack later you could say, "no my food is disgusting" as long as the child is old enough to fend for themselves and you say it politly your bf cant get too mad. he probably will, but you'll feel a lil better.
Actually, he and his family
Actually, he and his family encourage me to give it right back to her when she's being a complete snot to me (one of her more recent comments to me was that the only reason I was with her dad was because of his money) but I can't seem to bring myself to do that. I wasn't raised that way. It's not to say that I sit back and take it. My reaction tends to vary by behavior. Most times though I reply with a smart-ass kind of remark. When she sees that she isn't getting to me she storms off and then proceeds to speak only French because she knows I don't understand it. Sometimes I think that his family doesn't take it as seriously as I do (one example: when she first sent me a Facebook friend request I saw that one of the FB groups she belonged to was called "I Hate My Dad's Girlfriend". I couldn't believe she had the nerve to send a friend request knowing she had joined that group. When I brought this up to my BF and his family they laughed about it and told me that I was reading too much into it and that she didn't know what she was doing.). I mean, COME ON! What did they mean by she didn't really know what she was doing?? Who do they think they're fooling? I'm certainly not fooled. His daughter is not an idiot and she does everything for a reason. It's that lack of reacting that bugs me and I'm not sure how to handle.
I had the same problem with
I had the same problem with my SD16, but mainly SD14. I have been with my DH for 9 years, and 8 years ago I "disengaged" - you will see that a number of members of the forum have decided to deal with problematic relations with their SKIDS by taking this decision. Your BF has a duty to parent his daughter - if he choses not to, it is NOT your job to pick up the slack. There is info on disengaging at http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Sorry - forgot also to
Sorry - forgot also to mention a book you will hear a lot about on this forum - "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin - available on Amazon. One of the most important pieces of information it sets out is that if the step parent has difficulties making a relationship with the SKID, it is almost always down to the attitudes and behaviour of the bio parents who facilitate (or not) this happening. So do not feel bad that you have not bonded with this girl.
The reason you should ignore
The reason you should ignore her is because you are the only one doing anything and its making YOU look bad and her gain victim status. Everyone will eventually say you are picking on her.
I have an SD15 and SS12 similar to you. I get on fine with SS, SD is more difficult. I disengaged and let her father deal with her. He couldn't do anything because "she's not doing anything that bad" or "I don't want their time with me to be negative" or "It doesn't matter anyway, I don't see them enough to make a difference".
So, I pulled back and father dealt with her. What did he end up with? His precious baby girl SD lied to him for an entire school year and failed her classes, talks like a grown man in the marines to other boys on FB, and posted cleavage shots of herself on FB. Isn't she a great baby girl?
Yeah, SO parents now. He's even started checking up and getting involved with SS. Go figure. I removed myself so I couldn't be the bad guy. When I was involved, it was my fault she was being a smart ass and snotty because "you're doing it too". Really???? OK So I didn't talk to her AT ALL. IGNORED her completely while here and didn't do any favors for her. That pushed him to deal wit her himself.
Good luck.
I agree one thousand percent
I agree one thousand percent with you! I have the same problem, SD16 did all of that and probably still does, I don't know, since I am on a "not my kid, not my problem" diet. I let her father handle her, hopefully he will open his eyes and do something before she destroys herself completely. She also talks dirty...no, filthy, to boys online and sent naked pics as well as received them...nasty, nasty, nasty! I decided to do the same, no favors, no talking, no relationship whatsoever. Seems to work so far, at least I feel relieved not being blamed for anything that I do or don't.
its difficult when your h
its difficult when your h wants you included but then forced you to be around her. or drive her somewhere and so on. it sucks and its like your trapped.ignoring doesnt solve the problem but then neither does shoving it back. what was it DR Phil said once (parents need to be a united front otherwise im just wasting my time here)