Yeah, I know it sounds petty but seeing mail addressed to her specifically by name along with his (not just Mr and Mrs) bothered me in the past. Now, I am the Mrs. and they've been divorced for 6+ years so we don't see anything like that anymore in the mail.

Yes it bloody well would! He would not have a framed photograph of himself and his ex on your mantelpiece, and by the same token, he should have payed attention to getting her name taken off all joint bills, etc when they split up, for the same reason - you do NOT want your nose rubbed in reminders of the fact that they were a couple, given the way she has behaved, especially.

I think the real issue at hand is: He allowed her to disrespect me and our relationship for the first 8 months of it.

It sounds to me like he needs to actually let somethings go, like his anger about why ever they separated. Guilt or love can bind you together, both of which can last forever.

For your sake I hope he decides what he wants and how to handle it. Keep your head up.

I was offended when after 6 yrs my DH eventually got his act together and me at the same time and got me a military ID (he is retired). When we were filling out the paperwork she was confirming my DOB when I said "No, that isn't mine." DH said "No, that is my ex wife." I just looked at him and he knew I was not a happy wife.

When we left the building he explained at length that the military were not informed of his divorce and remarriage because they were not in the picture anymore. Yeah, OK. But it hurt and still does a little.

Ask him to change it into either just his name or both your names.
We used to get mail directed to the BM thru DH. They were combined in the past and the plebs in the offices acroass the world do not assume everyone is divorced and may have changed their relationship.

But then you may run up against some company who will not change it unless she signed a piece of paper which she may or may not do. Some companies are stupid like that.

OMG, Yes! It would bother me A LOT!
When I moved here to live with my (then) DF, he'd left several utilities in their names (he and BM.) DF would say he was going to get them taken care of, then would forget. Until the next month, when the bills came, with HER name still on them...and I'd throw a fit, and he'd promise to fix it.
Eventually, after several months, he got them all taken care of. Or so I thought. I no longer cringed, getting the mail, knowing I was going to see all this stuff addressed to Mr. and Mrs. DF and BM....
Last year, we got married. So the taxes we filed jointly in April was our first joint tax return. My first joint tax return EVER (I was married once before, for about 3 years, but we always filed our taxes separately.)
DH had picked up our return from the accountant, kinda last minute. He was working that evening, told me where the return was and requested that I just sign it where I needed to, so he could get it in the mail the next day.
And what do I find? Attached to the return, the year-end report from an investment account. In his and BM's name! I was hurt, shocked, stunned.
When I asked about it, I was assured that he had gotten that account in the divorce from BM, and that it was "too much hassle" to get her name taken off it.
"More hassle than me divorcing you?"
It was taken care of that day. All it took was a flipping phone call.
My point being, those little "housekeeping tasks" are something that men SHOULD get taken care of BEFORE they move someone new into their household! Having to look at BM's name, or worse, your SO's name and BM's name together on mail in the mailbox where YOU live? That's horribly disrespectful to you!
Explain that, while you realize that technically, it's not a huge-big-deal, that it makes you feel disrespected, and like you're somehow stealing another woman's husband, when you see these things. You KNOW that's not the case, but it's creepy-feeling nonetheless. Insist that he get her name taken OFF whatever utilities/bills it still appears on.

"More hassle than me divorcing you?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LMBO!!!

Yes that would bother me as well!! We get stuff from school addressed to Mr./Mrs it makes me sick!! Anything that comes in the mail addressed to BM gets returned "not at this address" he used to take her mail to her after a year of her moving out!!! I said how is the mail going to stop coming here if she doesn't change a stinking address!!! He didn't seem to grasp that concept plus it was constant texts "did I get mail today" ugggg!! Thank goodness it has stopped.

Yes it would really bother me. Just the other day my DH got a letter in the mail that was addressed to "Mr. DH and Mrs.Moo Moo"
with both their full names....at OUR address. I had a fit, I bet it got sent to her and she turned around and called them and told them to send it to him at our house. GRRRRR

DH and BM were only married for 6 months before he left her, and they never joined anything financial. Separate bank accounts, no joint credit. I don't even think they were both on the lease for the apt. they lived in. So, I have never had that issue. What DOES drive me nuts is when you google my DH's name, or do any kind of people search, it shows her as a possible relative :sick: We have been together for 7 years so some of the sites show me as well, but with my former name... under her name.

If I look up records and stuff for my husband and I find "possible relative: his ex wife's name" it really pisses me off.

My DH was never married to BM. When we moved in together he moved into MY apartment. We later purchased our first home together. One time though BM sent her son a Xmas card to my house. I know she did it to annoy me, but I didn't particularly care. It was addressed to her son so like really? Who gives a shit. Try something else bitch.

yes, it is an easy fix and he has had plenty of time to do it.

If it was one isolated thing, I would think long and hard before making it an issue if I otherwise trusted him completely. The mail system is not intentional and machines generate crap.

Guilt numbs men to the truth about themselves, and about the validity of your feelings. OF COURSE it is no big deal...because if it was (as in - if he let the truth in) he would have to do something about it. Guilt syndrome makes a man unable to see your position and have compassion for it.

It seems to me once you pulled the string, you find other things like the wedding ring. I would not expect a spouse to get rid of SOME items, but I would damn sure expect them to be put FAR away our of sight, and not in a place where your husband is every day. Now, I would want a detailed accounting of the entire state of legal affairs, accounts any/everywhere, and credit report. No excuses.

Getting married is the time to put the past behind, and find joy with the one you are now with, and if that is not happening, why marry? WHy drag the feet about changing thisgs over. The "too much work" thing is a cop out. When it's over, everything should be cut cleanly on paper. And if there are emotional problems bleeding over, counseling to put it to rest is in order. Sometimes the latent issues with a divorce don't arise until you are back in a relationhship. Counseling would be in order if he still harbors some marked degree of sadness or depression about the ex.

And about her getting all the firsts...

I spent a LOT of time in my first marriage sad about that very thing, and it's lost time I can never get back, and it only hurt ME uselessly to dwell on that. I don't know how old you are. I think I felt that way because it was MY first, and I wanted everything to be as special for him as it was for me. And my ex's wife b4 me also treated him like shit. But the truth is, I married someone who had a life before I got there, and he chose that person who treated him like shit and didn't value him. You will have to make an effort to discipline your mind to not dwell on that idea because it is just that, an idea. Love yourself enough to choose better than torturing yourself with the past.

All you have, all you will EVER have is now, and the memories you make consciously together. Don't live in someone else's past. That is a losing proposition.

At my age now (47) and a second marriage, I never think about whatever their firsts were. It's so irrelevant because it's not now. It was a LOOOOOOONG time ago, and it was HIS time. I was doing lots of other fun stuff while he was otherwise occupied. Love yourself, and love your life. You were not a nothing before he came along.