DH/Adult Kids - disengagement attempt
I was one of those people who thought marrying someone with adult children would be easy but now know that's not always the case.It's easier if they aren't living in your home but not always a picnic.
My DH's adult children live in different states than us so it's not a daily or bi weekly problem as many of you experience here(my sympathies).Most of the problems I have experienced are due to my DH's lack of boundaries and choices he has made in the past that I had no part in as I didn't know him at the time.
DH has DD's from his first marriage that ended 15 yrs ago.They are grown with their own lives and families.We have been together 5 yrs.
DH has had problems with excessive bragging in the recent past about his children that went beyond proud parent behavior I feel(similar to the annoying parent at the soccer or little league game that other parents avoid due to child obsession).He has talked too much about the BM and other ex's and has blatantly shoved pictures in my face like there is something to prove, whatever that something is.
He suffers from much guilt over some of his past choices and tends to compensate by being unable to see any wrong doing on the part of his DD's or himself as well as skating around any issues as not to offend the DD's.DD's have spend years guilt tripping him if the occasion calls for it in their minds.
The few times I have been in their presence they have strutted around like they're communicating daughter here first status.They also still bemoan the divorce to DH at times and have made comments to or in front of me about it some of which are uncomfortable to hear.
They have given me stink eye/stink face, subtle passive aggressive comments, they make clear they want Daddy's cooking(which is fine rly as I get a break)and keeping distance from me when out or walk away from me,aloof. DH also pulls the walk away and just leaves me standing or sitting where ever at times during visits without a word.No,be right back,excuse me,nothing.I always make sure DH has alone time with them and stay home for a lot of the outings.I encourage the alone time actually.
According to DH I am the problem,they have done nothing and he made the statement if his children were small I'd probably treat them like redheaded step children.I have made comments out of frustration and recognize it isn't the best way to handle the situation and plan to keep my comments, no matter how sugar coated they are, to myself from now on.Unless they are really crossing personal boundaries.He has it in his head though they/he have done absolutely nothing to warrant me feeling uncomfortable or even a bit angry.
This man has offered our bedroom and marital bed to these DD's which they refused.I told him, although he means well in wanting all of them to have a place to sleep, I am not comfortable with it and obviously they aren't either.I had to be blunt to explain why as he didn't get it.So,that is a non issue now thankfully.
One DD he favors and has admitted he turned focus to during his marital problems with the BM.He claims this DD is special because he and BM almost divorced before her conception.I do not think he has taken that to an abusive degree physically but I do feel there is the undertone of surrogate wife status not just with DH but with her also.
He has had her take care of responsibilities he should have been doing,taking relationship problems to her,having her rescue him during past relationship break downs,notes from the past I have stumbled across with relationship advice from her,etc.
I feel he has done her an injustice and I have spoke up that he needs to stop asking these things of her.I made it clear his DD's will not be helping with any decision making that effects me personally.The responsibility managing requests have stopped but the emotional dependance has not altogether but has toned down.I believe he(DH)has probably discussed things about our relationship with her I'd have fits over if I knew but I can't prove it.Just a deep gut feeling.
He recently told her something I said to him in confidence so my trust in him has reduced.Now I feel I must monitor what I confide in him.Or keep certain things to myself.
Also I've noticed behaviors from a couple of the DD's that include either blatant baby talk or the talking in tiny,coquettish voices with DH. I'm not used to this behavior,nor behave this way toward my Dad so maybe I'm taking it wrong,Idk.I'm really not trying to take Daddy away.I'm just trying to live my life.I'd like to live it without contention from my DH's grown daughters who have lives of their own.But I can see this will continue most likely.I have zero in common with these "girls" except DH.
There are other issues I've noticed but it would make an already long post longer.I'm having trouble making sense of it all and feeling a bit uneasy as to how all of this will affect our lives and marriage long term.
If we lived closer to the DD's I don't believe our marriage would survive it.The BM in some ways has not moved on either so there would be that drama too.I believe the BM remaining legally unattached adds to it but I nor DH can control that. Distance is really the only thing keeping a marital meltdown from happening.
I have made efforts toward these DD's.Wishing happy birthdays,small gift giving,making sure DH acknowledges occasions but I've recently told DH it is his responsibility to manage his relationships with his family and it was now up to him to remember birthdays,send holiday gifts,etc.If he doesn't that is totally his choice.Being polite, given I don't see them much, is about all I can muster up at this point.
I hope it improves at some point but I'm not counting on it.I've decided to give disengagement a try.I don't see any other solutions.I'm frustrated/drained bc I just got a good dose of them and these issues recently and am really trying to purge it all and let it go.
stepaside......i have only
stepaside......i have only been new to step talk for less than a week. I have read a few issues ppl have had and think WOW how close to home can these ppl be. Even things i have read and commented on.... issuse ppl have had for years now.
you commented about the birthdays.... I have always been the birthday/christmas present and card buyer. Last year for sd birthday.. dh says to me... oh, did u get her a card... i said NO... so he bought one.....
Sd was soooo excited about reading his card because they always "SAY THE RIGHT THINGS... AND THE CARD ALWAYS MEANS SOOOOOOOO MUCH TO HER". Well wasnt she surprised when she read the card and it was the cornist card she ever read.... the look on her face was priceless... she just said "OH" and put the card down. after all the boasting and baby gibber talk about... daddy always knowing what she needs to hear......... HA HA HA HA....i needed that good laugh inside me..
I so much wanted to tell her that over the last 8 or so years..... all the cards that said "just the right things" were from ME... the wicked stepmother... I wanted to see her burn all of them... but she isnt worth it. This May when it was her birthday.. he ask me again... "did u get her a card" I just looked at him...... and she never did get a birthday card.... sd's bm brings that up to him about not getting her a card... she says "you used to get her cards that meant and said the right things she needed to hear.... and now for some reason... probably she(ME) will not let you get them" like i have him brainwashed or turned against her. I really wish i was a wicked step mother and a bitch 2nd wife because i would tell them.... MAYBE SOMEDAY.... SOON.. or maybe not... save my energy for someone and wait for karma to come.
Right now we have her kids....for months now.. CPS placed them here... it was a "NO BRAINER" for us (ME) to take care of them... when the do go home... i already know i will not be able to see the kids again... sd already told my dh that. I will disengage.. but she will not be welcome in MY home.... is that wrong of me? it is my dh home too.. She has slammed my door and cursed at me which was the last straw for me and her to ever be welcome in my home. she said he can go... but I feel if she does not want me in her kids life after taking care of them but he is able to .... and he actually does that... Well I think i will be DONE with him too. I already feel so disrespected by him as well... although I am the one with the problem he tells me.... We built our home from the ground up... with our own hands.. not a contractor.... or a builder.. I will not give up my home without a fight... i guess neither one of will have a dime when its all over..... only the attornies... thanks for your comments.. really makes me think.....
Yes.I do realize these
Yes.I do realize these behaviors are unhealthy.So much so I am currently nauseated.
It's not good for my well being when these issues come up. Since the problem with these behaviors are their issues;I continue to respect myself and treat myself kindly.It's their dynamic that's broken not me.I understand what your saying though.I do deserve better.I don't blame myself either.
I have thought of leaving at times.It's hard to walk away from what life has been built for many reasons.It's something I may end up having to do.
I think he knows they are being disrespectful but is too afraid to admit it.He'd rather upset me than them for fear they won't worship Daddy any longer.Or the guilt tripping will start up.He seems terrified of rocking the boat with them.I have witnessed his face turn almost grey when his favored daughter became upset with him.She cried when she found out he was with me.She's wants him in her area,with her Mother.
Disengagement is a band aid I know.If my DH fails to recognize the unhealthy patterns and continues the marriage will hemorrhage.I think he needs help(professional),he doesn't see the dysfunction of it.
Thanks for replying, allmitchell.
Thanks,SA. Good advise and I
Thanks,SA.
Good advise and I am preparing to do just that.I don't want to play the games with them and will have to really work on ignoring the tactics completely.To the point I don't flinch or bat an eye lash.
It is good to know I'm not alone or these issues aren't exclusive to me.I appreciate the response.I'm trying to reach the level of calm I had before the exposure to it recently.Sadly,I know the situation will most likely never change.
I have to change my reaction to it=no reaction at all.My care-o-meter is running pretty low at this point with the DD's issues.I just need to reach the empty level in regards to it.I'm getting there.
I know about the Step-Monster
I know about the Step-Monster book.I am planning on reading it.You know, I don't consider myself a SM to them or DD's SK's to me.I've never asked them to call me anything but my name.
We don't know each other very well and I doubt we ever will.To be honest I don't care so much(A little, but I'll get past that) what they think of me since I've seen attitude from the beginning.I thought it would subside.I was naive.
What DH thinks and the harm it could cause our marriage has been my concern.There are good points to the marriage when we aren't visiting AC.
SA,I'm not surprised by the conclusion of the women written about in the last chapter of Step-Monster.This is why I don't want to spend years beating my head against a brick wall.It's why I've decided it's a waste of my time after only a handful of visits.
There are other factors in my wanting to avoiding it.I just don't have the desire or patience any longer.I never expected instant friendship but I didn't expect resentment/judgement so soon.
I can't carry anymore crosses.I've carried many through out the years.Last marriage,my own child dealing with divorce,etc.
Goforit,It's very hard to stand it.It's obvious I'm a tolerated only presence.It's obvious DH is torn when he walks away or I have to walk alone instead of beside him.It's painful and angers me greatly.He has been told once before how I felt.It's toned down but not stopped.
I prefer to let them go enjoy what time they have together and spare myself the discomfort.How to completely avoid it will be a challenge as I can get away with staying behind some but he pressures me if I don't do something during those visits with them all.
Staying busy is my current method.Flat out refusal may be next bc I can't keep doing this.It's not yielding the results DH so wants.I don't believe it ever will.
Thanks again for the replies.It feels good to feel some validation as opposed to being told I am the sole problem.No one person is ever the sole problem.
I have a pretty good
I have a pretty good relationship with my adult SD, but I recognize the behaviors here. And I agree with you, and I've never seen anything else like this. My DH is very close with his kids, including over-reliance on the SD in particular for emotional support and "advice." My SD essentially became the parent to both her parents when they divorced, as he (my now DH) was apparently an emotional wreck and the BM still is even though they've been divorced for 12 years.
It was a horribly unfair burden on the SD, and she's had some trouble letting go of her parental status with me in the picture. For example, when DH's mom died, SD just assumed she'd write all the thank you notes for DH. I said that, no, he and I would do that. She was gracious about it, but I could tell it was hard for both SD and DH, and DH still doesn't understand why I just didn't let SD "do that for him." Because it's YOUR job, dumbass, not your daughter's.
But at least she tries and has come to accept me in her dad's life, and I truly don't think she recognizes when she oversteps. She was thrust into a parental role because BOTH her parents relied on her to be the grownup when they weren't.
But I don't "get" the daily phone calls, text messages, facebook postings, and emails. DH has a hard time not answering the phone when it's one of the precious spawn, and he has abandoned me to take their calls more than once. It's the pattern he set up, worshiping these kids their whole lives, and now as adults it seems to me they can barely make a decision without him. He sometimes tells me that SD called to ask about this or that, and I frequently respond with, "I would NEVER have asked my parents that." And he is just SURE that I'm the one from the crazy family. Maybe I am, but I don't think so. So, yes, I have heard and occasionally still hear, that I am the one with the problem.
I try to give him space to do his little family thing. Like you, neither of his kids lives near us, so when we do see them I also try to encourage alone time for them. That works for all of us. I also don't buy them birthday cards or Christmas presents (we have to agonize over just the right thing every single time and frankly I don't have the patience).
I am lucky that my issues with the steps are relatively small right now. Has not always been the case!
I'm glad to see you don't
I'm glad to see you don't blame your SD for mistakes her parents made like a lot of people on here seem to do. It is a hard position to be in when you've been a certain roll for your parents for so long and then that's not needed. Have you talked to your SD about any of this, adult to adult? I wonder how she'd react if you said you thought she'd been given responsibilities that shouldn't have been put on her and you want to relieve her. I would only say that if you have a good relationship with her. But that might make her feel like you're looking out for her instead of trying to replace her. Also as to the daily contact, it's not that unusual. And it doesn't necessarily come from "worshiping" the kids. I don't know the details specific to your family but it could be a healthy, close relationship. My family has always been very close. Even now, I'm in my 30's and have a family of my own but I have some type of contact with my both of my parents almost daily- email, text, phone call, something. And sometimes we talk several times during the day! They're not all long drawn out convos by any means. It's not even a "checking in" as much as "here's something funny that just happened". So maybe you would feel like the questions my brother and I are willing to ask our parents, or theirs to us, are odd but really it's just that everyone has different types of relationships. Both of their spouses have told them and us numerous times they wish they were that close to their own children, and I hope I have that with my own when they're grown. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective with the hope that if their relationship is not unhealthy and you can appreciate it for what it is, you can all be closer. And as a side note, my parents have told us numerous times that no matter how old we get, there's a parental fear that the call they ignore is the one where there's a problem. If it's at all possible to answer the phone they do, even if just to say "if everything's ok I can't talk now".
12345,No.I do not blame my
12345,No.I do not blame my DH's DD's for my DH's mistakes.The BM's mistakes in her and DH's marriage I don't give much thought to as she isn't in my life on a daily basis.She (DD) has been in a certain role for many years(including his focus during BM's absence in her marriage).There is nothing wrong with being close to or loving your parents or parents loving the children.
If his DD was a child I would do my best to be more understanding.She is an Adult though and intelligent enough to know the difference between a daughter role verses a spousal role.She is a daughter and a wife.Daddy obsession isn't healthy for her marriage and she has shown obsession in the past,long story.
No,I'm not trying to replace her .She is his daughter.I am his wife and lover.My DH had another long term relationship between the BM and myself.So DH being with someone is nothing new to DD's.
What I do blame DD's for is the face making,eye rolling,passive aggressive comments,etc.They are old enough to know they are being rude and how that rudeness affects others.Do I realize their parents being divorced is hard on them?Sure.But they choose to stay in the victim role.I was not the cause of the parents break up.The one before me was;)plus BM's neglect of her marriage and her infidelity.Both DH and BM made mistakes,they failed.
Because of BM and the woman bf me DH is insecure and compensates with bragging look I'm super Daddy bc my DD's have done this or that even though I left.Trying to prove he's worthy of a woman's desire,love by going over board with bringing up past relationships-which has calmed bc I stomped my foot down.DH wants to live in the past,go back to the past. I want to live what life I have left with him in the here and now.He has his memories,I have mine.We are both entitled to those memories but I don't feel the need to relive them with him.Being proud and shoving down the throats of ppl are two different things.It at time seems like worshiping but really it's overcompensating to ease guilt.
There is such a thing as being too close.When that closeness interferes with ones life and other relationships or resembles a spouse to spouse role instead of parent/child it's unhealthy in my opinion.When phone calls disrupts dinner out with your new spouses son(the first outing)and you communicate to your new spouse and her Adult son time spent getting to know you isn't important because I'd rather be on the phone with DD while the waitress is trying to take orders, it is a problem.I have never,would never do that to DH or his Ak's.I blame DH for that.
And 12345,I am always open to different perspectives.Some of the ppl on here though are so frustrated and some of the Skid's do deserve some blame if they are old enough to knowingly cause problems instead of working on the issues with their parents. Instead they tend to assigning blame to the parents spouses.Blame the two that failed in their marriage,let the kids down,put them in the position of having steps to begin with.That is where the blame really lies.
I appreciate your
I appreciate your perspective. I think I do encourage a close relationship between my DH and his kids, and he does the same for me. It's just odd to me that two grownups are so involved in their dad's life. I mean, I rarely have an evening when a meal isn't interrupted or an activity delayed or a husband-and-wife discussion ended or postponed or forgotten due to a "here's a funny story" phone call. I'd not think anything of that if it were only an occasional event, but it's not. It's all the time.
He'll turn his phone off when he's at a movie, but not when we're, uhm, in the bedroom for example, in case one of the kids needs to talk to him. So whatever his kid is calling about is always more important than whatever he and I are doing or discussing. Apparently hearing about the travails of an oil change for SD's car is more important than hearing about the report I had from my doctor about cancer. Oh, he'll look over at me and mouth "I'm sorry" so that I know that HE knows he's being a jerk to me, but he still won't end the conversation. My needs have to wait.
And I resent the hell out of that, and I do not believe this is part of a healthy parent/child relationship.
Winehead,I'm glad to hear
Winehead,I'm glad to hear your step problems aren't such an issue now.I really do hope it reaches that point in my situation.The distance is the only thing keeping our marriage from being a casualty of step issues.
I've been divorced and my child is now an adult.There were struggles but I guided my kid through it.I even took my kid to counceling.When the kid reached adult hood I put my foot down.The issue of "my life is messed up bc I have divorced parents"was stopped cold.
I told my kid I am sorry your Dad and I couldn't make our marriage work and that is our failure.I'm sorry for what that failure put you through and I love you regardless of where I am or who I'm with.However,your poor choices and the consequences are your own responsibility not ours.Stop using "the divorce"as a cop-out to avoid taking responsibility for yourself.
I told my kid I never wanted to hear it again.I relied on myself and a handful of supportive peers to get through the divorce stuff years ago.Some people throw it off on the kids and it's toxic.It seems men are the biggest offenders(some women too)relying on daughters for support in either a parenting role or a replacement for the spouse role during marital problems or divorce.
I see both in my DH's situation.I see what I believe is probably a bit of emotional incest.That is something I as a parent who loves their child avoids.I don't want my kid being a perpetual victim of divorce or my parent/spousal figure.
My husband also breaks his neck to get to the phone if one of them calls.I ignore that mostly.If I miss a call from my grown kid,I will return the call when I'm able.DH has even walked into restaurants with phone to ear clear up to ordering the meal.I turn my phone off before entering.
I'm not afraid to stand up to my kid either(it's part of being a parent at times).If my kid gets mad,oh well,I know with a bit of time the anger will subside.My kid knows I love him and always will.He knows I won't allow emotional manipulation.I've told him so in those exact words.If some of the guilt Dads and Moms would do the same the problems would be fewer.Adult kids deserve let go of enough to build their own lives and the adult children need to realize so do the parents.
My DH see my stance as cold and abandoning.I see it as healthy,loving and responsible.If my kid needs me I'm there.I involve him in my life.I just don't want him hanging on my apron strings for his own good.
DH is now back to normal since the visits have ended.He is only difficult when they visit,want something,or I say no to an idea had by them in reference to how/where he should live his life.
Isn't it very sad how some of the BM's so long after a divorce refuse to let go?Holding onto either $$$,former in-laws too much or trying to keep a close friendship with the ex to the point of calling for emotional support,advise.etc?I respect my ex's life,marriage,business.I stay out of it.Some ex's can't seem to pull it off.That attitude and those types of actions are foreign to me which has made it difficult to tolerate.
RubySlippers, I will remember
RubySlippers, I will remember what you told your children concerning your divorce. I do think it is up to the bio parents to pave the way for the future relationships they may have with a new step parent. My adult children are now getting to know yet another gf of their bio father. The man is a narcissistic user, liar, manipulator and if she is smart she will run but of course I cannot say that to my kids. They like the new girlfriend and I have encouraged them to get to know her.
Too many times in these fmaily sitautions it is old issues that allow the games to continue to play out and honestly I do not think the bio parents can even see what is happening because they have been so entangled in the situation for too long. I think this is how dysfunction becomes a part of us without us even realizing.
I recently broke it off with
I recently broke it off with my bf because of his adult 21 year old daughter. She financially rapes him and he does not see it.. the final straw was when she had a court fine due for underage drinking and he paid it...she had plenty of time to pay she just knew daaadddy would. She then came my home for the holidays three weeks later still underage and had a beer right in front of him...he said nothing. In his last email to me he said that "everytime my daughter asks for money i will give it to her and be happy knowing that i am there for her..how much of a loser would i be if i did not help her. i wont live my life being that loser to make you feel better."
This from a man that bought tickets to a show once for us in five years. I bought all other tickets. We always went without because he paid for adult family members to have abortions, be bailed out etc. Will he ever change......it makes me so sick because there are other things i just cant post here....
saffron5567... it was like
saffron5567...
it was like you wrote this and forgot to sign my name...
I too "wish I had walked so I don't have to deal with SD25 / husband crap, but I'm glad you got out. Go find a great man without kids...better yet, get a dog!"
I also would like my life back... i used to be fun-loving and caring and always smiling..... where did i go, besides 8 pants sizes bigger? I miss me... seems like all i do now is hide my face so no one sees me crying or walk around with no expression.. giving ppl the impression... i am a cold, heartless bitch.... If only i would have been years ago... i'd have never turned the head of my dh.... and who knows where i'd be... even if it would be alone... i really dont think it would hurt so bad.
Thanks saffron5567 ...there
Thanks saffron5567 ...there is so much more...i feel lost because i thought that at my age when i started dating because the kids were grown that it would be about us...not that we wouldnt include adult children and still help out but not to the point that he does....i sat back and watched everyone go places and do things...thank god i am not married to him...i work two jobs own my own home and it still was not good enough...he still chose to buy his daughter tickets to shows and not us ....
I do have a dog and love him to pieces!!!!!!
Ruby, I can't read a lot on
Ruby,
I can't read a lot on here today but desire to be of service in a place where I got help in the moment. I have not read much of the comments to your post. All the below is my opinions only.
If I were you, I'd disengage. Adults acting like this is inexcusable. You deserve to have your dignity and feel like a whole person, wherever you happen to be. You can't fix these messed up people. You can only be responsible for yourself and your actions. In my view, all the excess bragging from your DH is just a whole lot of whistling past the graveyard. In other words, a massive guilty daddy syndrome. He's trying to show/tell HIMSELF how great a dad he was when reality is, he feels like the worst kind of shitheel. That is not your business to inquire about or fix - it is his to resolve or not.
I am seeing something for myself in a lot of this. Guilty dads cannot back up stepwives (us) in the face of injustices done by the skids. If he did back you up, then one way or another he'd have to face his own "bad deeds". Either in his own eyes or in theirs. So until he rectifies his own integrity, you can't expect him to really be able to hear your cries for equity.
Stepwolf,my DH has cooled it
Stepwolf,my DH has cooled it down with BM but I doubt he would ever say to her he was moving on so firmly.There is a reason I can't reveal for fear of being caught here by one of them.He will have to deal with her forever due to an unavoidable situation.
When the calls for advice came(two weeks after we married,no congrats,no acknowledgment of it) I sat there and listened to it .I told him after he hung up maybe she should call rent-a-husband or ask her boyfriend for advice.The request for advice had nothing to do with the unavoidable situation.I told DH I felt it was disrespectful of our marriage.She is no longer his wife.
I suspect she called for that advice to see if he'd still be there for her after our marriage took place.And of course the lovely FB invite(DH and I no longer have FB's).Maybe I'm wrong but I wonder if that was the MO.After that it stopped unless it's happening behind my back.My DH said if he called out BM the kids would pay for it.He called her out in the past than BM pulled the "why are you talking to that asshole"song and dance.
I also like the dead to me advice from SA.I'm trying really hard to take on that attitude with them.I am disengaging and only replying to DH'S references to them with ,"good",Oh,that's too bad","I don't know","yes","no" and "uh huh".It will save a lot of energy and avoid problems.
Walker,I'm sorry to hear your relationship ended.But you are free of it now.Your former partner could get into serious legal trouble allowing underage drinking.He obviously doesn't realize being a parent isn't or is more than opening his wallet.Too bad he doesn't also realize he is a loser for condoning the things he has(no offense to you Walker).
Thestepwife,
"Guilty dads cannot back up stepwives (us) in the face of injustices done by the skids. If he did back you up, then one way or another he'd have to face his own "bad deeds". Either in his own eyes or in theirs."
So very true.Just yesterday DH said his kid's have been through a lot bc he left the BM and exposed his kid's to this other woman too soon back then and other bad choices made by him.He did behave selfishly.I do feel sorry it affected his kids.But,I bear no responsibility for that past so I don't feel bad disengaging.I know it's necessary for my well-being.
He also said the kid's blamed the other woman for those choices(she played a part ,yes, but as a Father DH should have know better exposing them to the new relationship at that point).I guess it hurts the kids too much to blame my DH although I'm sure they have resentment toward him.
Until he comes to grips with his guilt he will remain deaf,blind and mute.He tries to rectify his past mistakes but he goes about it the wrong way at times.We (DH & I)are living a pretty decent life and some of the lifestyle choices DH and the OW made are no longer an issue and hasn't been for years.If it ever became an issue for DH and he starts repeating those mistakes, I will leave.The OW's own integrity and character leaves a lot desired to this day with little change.Thank you for your reply it helps.
AVR1962,I hope your kid's can come to terms with their Father's problems..I think it is wonderful you encourage kindness toward the new girlfriend even though they have had to see so many come and go and most likely will again which is hard for them I'm sure.And also you're able to stay quite about their Dad to them.That can't be easy( you knowing what you know about him/your kids being affected)and requires a lot of strength.
Last but not least,Winehead,you are in my thoughts and well wishes to over come your cancer.I hope your DH starts giving you the love and support you need.