I agree with leahmc311. Is it possible that BF does not even know it's an issue? I feel I would like to reiterate that the men in my life really do have feelings but they prefer to call them THOUGHTS...LOL soooooo I got into the habit of asking them what they THINK about a situation.
Though DH did tell the kids I am his wife, his choice and that I'd be the one here with him long after they go to college etc. I still had to assert my own self here too. It's possible to do it quietly, subtly, without too much backlash.

None of that stopped the usual bad behaviors though! Nor did it stop the PAS. I did tell our girl that I respect the fact that it's her BM but I would not choose her as a friend. I do not pass comments about BM to SKids.

It's really hard to maintain a positive attitude with all the crap going on, can I suggest that you really consider what's important enough to take to heart and let the rest of the crap go? I did not blame SKids for the disrespectful things they said to me, I knew the words were planted in their minds by BM. NOT getting upset in front of the kids helped them to better come to terms with BM, I'd just say something along the lines of 'that's really not a nice thing to say' and leave it at that, message recieved and kids recognized what is good, not good, from another perspective.
A wise counsellor told me not to dignify bad behaviors, not to allow buttons to be pushed...I realized I got played by a 13 year old! Albeit after the fact her advice still worked for me. I am not going to tell you it was easy...it was not! This is why we have this site...LOL come on in and VENT!
My persistence paid off though, four years later SD comes and talks to me, she did some thinking and realized a few things that were going on. That was a HUGE leap in awareness for her and it strengthened our already strong bond.

Good luck!

I sympathize with you completely. My boyfriend's kids are so rude and disrespectful to me. When somebody first suggested maybe their BM was telling them to do it, I was shocked at the thought. As time goes by, I've realized that's the only explanation. I believe she may actually tell them they don't have to listen to me. I don't know if I've even told my boyfriend that I think this, though. That would be the first logical step (in MY situation, we don't get together w/his kids very often, so we just deal w/it case by case.)

I am going through the exact same thing!!! My BM, has gotten to the point where she is actually emotionally blackmailing the SK, telling them they are not allowed to love me anymore, and that they are no longer allowed to hug me when we have them. This is so crazy!! So now her poor kids feel guilty when they have fun with us, and lie to their mother about not having fun. But now it is to the point where the SK are really pulling away from me, and acting as though they no longer like me, just to please their mother. These are kids that I bonded with fast, and they really expressed their love for me alot until it came out that she said they were no longer allowed to, and now is trying to not let us have the SK when she doesnt want them around me. She is so afraid of them loving me, that she has right out begun to tell them they are not allowed. Putting the weight of her emotional health on the shoulders of her children ages, 6, 7, 9, 12

You should feel comfortable enough after that long to be able to say something to them,,, I handled it very delicately, by telling my SK, that I never want the to feel like they are pressured to like me, I want them to be able to make up their own minds about how they feel about me. And that I don't want them to ever feel guilty for liking me, having fun with me, or listening to me, and that no one should make them feel that way. Not naming anyone in particular, and that they do have to respect me, as their gaurdian, when they are at my house, by behaiving me, but that as far as loving me, that is up to them and them only, my BF also keeps it in control that they must obey, & respect me, if your BF has yet to say this to the kids, he really needs to as your partner, and their BF, good luck girl!

I can totally relate! The BM in my life does the same. We finally got court ordered counseling for SS before the court date. It turns out that at first it was just for him but now it is group counseling. BM and SS / DH+me+ss. Now it is going to be DH and BM. At first I was pissed. But I have been going to my life coach for a while and I know she knows me. She stated that she would help them come to an agreement even if it is not to speak outside of pickups and drop offs. Either way they are having their issues resolved by a professional and I get to work on my marriage. Perhaps counseling (family) may work. It is hard to step into this role and feel like a guest spot in someone elses family sometimes. I wish you all the best and different strokes for different folks. This is what is working for us. Smile and keep your head up.

Ladies, it is not just the BMs that stir up shit. From DAY FREAKING ONE, my SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy has been poisoning her mind against me. I was very niave about this at first. Looking back on it now, I should have realized that a 4-year-old probably couldn't have come up with the "well, my REAL dad says such and such" comments all on her own. She has never respected my authority, and I have no doubt that he was filling her head with ideas "He's not your real dad, you don't have to listen to him." Couple this with the permissive "friend-parenting" that my DW has chosen to use, and you get one ungrateful little brat. I haven't seen her for 4 months (been out of town for work a lot), and I haven't missed her one bit.

I have had to deal with a horrible BM for almost 10yrs now, nothing seems to be too much trouble for her when it comes to causing grief, I am so glad that SD12 is now (finally, but without BM's knowing!)in counselling and the counsellor is chipping away at the crap. It never ceases to amaze me the lengths BM will go to to damage the kids. I have often thought of walking, have a couple of times, but really I don't want to leave my husband, he is my rock, & I'm his, and we can get thru this I'm determined not to let her damn well win. She has had druggie boyfriends that beat her up, been a hooker for a couple of yrs, although its a career choice that seems to pull them back when times are tough. She shares waaaay too much info with the kids, has no friends so poor miss 12 is bombarded with so much of her mum's rubbish. SS15 is a different kettle of fish, he is arrogant, disrespectful, is a downright little brat, we sent him off to his BM for 6mths, (their choice)but that ended up being a disaster. Interesting how stuff that you have nothing to do with, and somethimes dont know anything about is still our fault. We dream of flying off to an unknown destination and forgetting our problems, many do, but have a strong sense of obligation to tough it out for the few years left before they have grown and left home.But honestly its affecting my health now, and I just wish she would have some life-changing happening and leave us the heck alone. She has been trespassed, smashed our front door in, and will never let her on the property again but oh she still causes strife on a weekly basis. Its just so hard, way harder than it needs to be.

We have had a similar problem at my house. Except that it is not BM poisoning SS, it's BM's husband. He tells SS that BD is a loser, makes comments about our finances, paying child support, the list just goes on and on. (Keep in mind that BM's H has also physically abused the child so he is afraid of him - there was CPS intervention and court action). We have integrated a "None Parent Bashing" Policy in my home - Bio parents and Step Parents included.

When BM or BM's H says negative thing to SS and he reports them to us we simply say:

"I'm sorry that happened to YOU" followed by:
"How did that make YOU feel" or
"Is there anything I can do to help YOU fix the problem?"

We are hoping that this will create a sort of "safe-zone" where SS can express his feelings and be heard. But where he also knows we don't play the bad mouth back and forth game. If we refrain from bad mouthing the other's he will eventually learn that he cannot play us against the others in his ma }:) nipulation game.

Regaring calling step parents by mom/dad. I don't understand why it is such an issue. I do not feel a child should be told to do this or not - but why prevent it if they are comfortable? My son regularly refers to his BF's GF as his mom - I'm THRILLED that he has that sort of relationship with her. I'm also human and it make me extremely JEALOUS - but he will never know that!