How much should be shared about what happens in court?
I am not one to like to include kids in adult matters or drag them into the middle of things. BM likes to do this to SD10 and it drives me crazy. BM will have SD call around and arrange care for herself when there is no school or call us and ask us questions that BM should clearly be handling herself, but refuses. DH also doesn’t want to talk to BM so he is fine with it, but it drives me crazy that SD is put in that situation.
However, how much is too much to tell a kid about the custody/visitation arrangements and court battles? DH and I have over extended ourselves to help BM out and take SD and the responsibility of SD off BM’s hands so many times over the years, even though she has full custody that she fought tooth and nail for. The whole reason she wanted full custody is for the full CS that came with it – she has willing given SD as much as DH wants.
Well CS was reduced for no daycare costs on BM’s part (we ALWAYS had her when she wasn’t at school and BM was at work) she decided to take DH back into court to change the order. She decided instead of SD being with us all the time when there was no school she wanted her. Her reasoning was that I was a horrible, evil SM and that I was detrimental to SD’s wellbeing, self-esteem, and an awful influence on her relationship with DH. She made up lies and twisted around things to paint me out to be horrible. Her REALLY reason - to get more money because she would have SD more.
Well she got the schedule she wanted, but because she is literally an idiot, it was not actually less time for DH, but the same amount just spread out of the year different. So no CS increase! But now we don’t have SD all non-school time when BM is at work – she has to figure out stuff on her own. Well of course BM does nothing and SD sit’s home alone all the time.
SD hates it. She is always calling our house, my cell, my DD12 phones, texting, emailing, sending facebook messages, etc. Wanting to know what we are doing, if she can come over, if she can come with us to do what we are doing. DH and I have sat and told her that her mom wanted her this summer so she needs to talk to her mom about how she is bored and wants to do stuff and HER MOM has to figure out something. We did not tell her WHY the schedule was changed other than her mom wanted it that way.
Well my girls go to the YMCA occasionally and SD has talked BM into taking her there on her lunch break from work. I occasionally drop off my girls on my lunch break and then pick them up around 3 when I’m done with work. I also have 2 babies so I do not want to be running around after work. So the latest the girls can stay at the Y is 3:00.
BM works until 5. So if she drops off SD at the YMCA so SD can hang out with my girls there when they go (and SD only wants to go when they are there), what is going to happen when I get there at 3? I KNOW BM is going to say, that SD should just go with me or I should just give her a ride back home.
I normally wouldn’t have a problem with this. BUT after what BM said about me in court, said about my home, my marriage, my children. After she changed the order to have SD, so we would not have SD, because she didn’t want her around me, I have said that I will not ever watch SD on BM’s time again and I will not do anything to help BM out on her time again!! BM doesn’t get to say those things and then turn around and say that since it would be convenient to her now I’m good enough, my home is good enough, and my kids are good enough. I just know I’m going to show up at the Y and SD is going to expect to go with me and then what do I do. If I say no, this is your mom’s time I’m sure your mom plans to get you. Then SD will be all bummed out or she will say no, my mom said I can go with you and if I say no, your mom has to get you, then I’m the evil SM again. BM will be going off how I just refused to take SD and left her at the Y and SD was all upset. It is SO predictable.
So how much should I tell SD – should I tell her what her mom said about me, how she claimed she didn’t want her around me? Should I tell her the whole reason her mom wanted her for the summer was an attempt to get money out of DH? Because that didn’t work now she is okay with her being with us and around me. What exactly would be okay to share with a 10y/o so she understands what is going on and that I’m not evil – I just refused to be used and stepped on by this woman any longer.
We used to protect SS13 from
We used to protect SS13 from the stuff his mom said. But, recently have started telling him the truth. It actually seemed to wake him up and now he has asked to live with us full-time. Let the court process begin again.
I say you tell him the truth. Don't be negative or harsh (very hard to do), but be clear to her and maybe she will start questioning her mom's behavior to her mom.
Also, there is no way in hell I will help BM on her time anymore. She attacked me too many times and has said negative comments about me. Tough for her. Figure out your own childcare. I work from home and would help by letting the kids get off the bus at my house before we were married on her week. Did it for over a year and never got one thank you. Don't do it.
As much as your situation
As much as your situation stinks, I think your SD is still too young to be given all of the facts. You never know what kind of information will negatively affect a child's growing mind. It all just sucks!! I definitely wouldn't be dropping off or keeping SD after the Y. That is for BM to figure out. I would say nip it in the bud before it gets to that. Have your DH call BM and tell her it is her responsibility to arrange for a ride home for your SD. She didn't want her daughter around you, well she gets what she asked for and then some. And if your SD asks you why, tell her that her BM wanted it this way and if she has questions to ask her Mother.
Ideally, the only thing a
Ideally, the only thing a child should know about any of it is this is your time with your mom & this is your time with your dad, & that's just how it is.
However, we did end up facing a monster as BM felt it necessary to discuss every detail in addition to her thoughts & feelings on why it was the way it was & hauled them to the courthouse with her for every hearing.
In a situation like ours, convo would be:
Kid simply states, "I don't wanna go to dad's this weekend". BM replies with, "I know honey. I don't want you to go. I'll be so lonely without you. I know that he is abusive & makes you do chores & do what he says. That's because he doesn't respect you as an individual. We'll just tell him you're sick today. Now, you run along & invite all your friends over for a slumber party!".
Rather than address the ugly, we felt an obligation to keep the peace. It seems to be the cardianl rule in Divorce 101. However, our efforts to keep the peace ended up hurting our relationships with the kids.
The appropriate reply would've been something like, "It's your dad's weekend & he's looking forward to spending it with you. I have my own plans. Pack your things & get in the car. I'm sure you'll have a good visit."
With every situation being different, it's hard to say what is & isn't appropriate to share. Don't ignore false statements or ideas, but in correcting them, keep your comments neutral. Don't call the parent a liar, but let the child know that said statement isn't accurate, & then state the fact.
Statements like, "I know your mom doesn't want you around me..." or "You're mom only wanted you over the summer to get money from your dad..." will only add fuel to the fire. They are accusatory toward BM & will cause SD to put up a front toward you. BM is & will always be her mother, & SD will always, always, ALWAYS be her protector. Any statement you make accusing BM of something WILL come back to bite you somewhere in your relationship with SD. She will ALWAYS feel an obligation to defend BM's actions, even if she knows BM is wrong. ALWAYS. Your feelings on why BM wanted SD over the summer has NO place in any conversation between you & your SD. Those are your feelings to deal with. Sharing the fact that you know BM doesn't want SD around you will be heard as "You're mom is a bitch" & that will create ill feelings in SD toward you.
If you want your SD to know you aren't evil, show her. It's a fact that kids learn by example. As hard as it's been, ni my 10 years with DH, I have yet to speak ill of BM to the kids, & it honestly has brought me out ahead. They know me as a kind friendly person who loves them enough to be there for them. They don't like the fact that I'm with their dad, but they can't give a reason why without outing BM's feelings. They know BM to be a bitter miserable 2-faced liar who uses people. They know she calls me & DH names & talks ill about us & it makes them uncomfortable. I'd hate to think anyone would see me in that light...especially these children. They know BM doesn't like me, but she can't give a reason why other than I'm with their dad. She's just jealous & bitter.
Correct their wrong perceptions, but stick to the facts. Approach it by referring to their statements & the truth. Rather than "BM wanted it this way" it should be "The judge ordered it this way".
Basically I told SD before
Basically I told SD before the summer even began that she was not going to be with us all summer. That BM asked the judge if she could have her all summer and the judge agreed to it. I said that we wanted to split the summer and have her for part of it, but that was not the agreement that was decided on.
I really wanted her to know that we didn't want it this way, that we did want to have her, and for her to be aware that she was not with us and doing things with us - not becuase we didn't want to have her and include her, but becuase that is what others had decided.
Bm has the tendency to blame everything on me. She would tell SD that she wasn't with us becuase I didn't want her there. She wasn't incuded in something becuase I wouldn't include her. One time, she went on and on how horrible I was to SD becuase she wanted me to take her home after her music program and BM had to go back to work. I said no becuase I had a 6 week old baby and wanted to come home and rest and didn't want all the noise in my house that she and the older girls create. BM even brought it up in court this incident and how I refused to include her - and NO it was not DH's CO time, it was BM's.
Then if SD tells her that she wants to come over or do something with us, BM will tell her she is fine with it. I can tell SD, sorry I can't come get you or you can't come over becuase it's your mom's time with you and she will say "but my mom said it's okay, she doesn't care."
it's sick. It's like she wants SD feel to not wanted or included in our family and that it's all my fault becuase she (BM) is just SO supportive of her being with us.
It sounds like BM is trying
It sounds like BM is trying to alienate SD from you & your DH.
Have you read, "Divorce Poison"? I regret not learning about alienation until my SS & SD were too far gone to reverse it. If you have not, I highly HIGHLY recommend you do.
The first time I read it, I checked it out from our local library. I read it twice before I had to take it back. I wished a number of times after that that I'd have just purchased my own copy. Since then, I have. I paid $3.25 for it on Ebay & have read it 2 more times since I got it.
It talks about the different tactics parents use to alienate their children from the other parent, & it talks about different approaches you can take to fight the alienation.
If you don't start fighting it now, the storm ahead will certainly be misery to weather, for you, your DH, & your SD.
It really is sad, level of selfishness some parents carry.
Really...read the book.
Being, DH & I knew nothing about parental alienation until the damage was done, I have purchased another book called, "Adult Children of Parental Alienation". It is a book based on interviews done with adults who have come to recognize that one of their parents had alienated them from their other parent. They talk about the anger, resentment, hurt & confusion that they've experienced as a result of the alienation. It has been helpful for us as well.