SD & Baby Shower
Okay... This is my first post, so please bear with me. I have a SD12. I have been around since she was 1 & we were married when she was 3. We get her every other weekend. My DH & I also have a DS8. Now we are expecting our second DS. So here is the issue. Last summer SD visited us on Father's Day and then we didn't see her again until mid-August. Just in time for help buying a new mouthpiece & accessories for a clarinet that she wanted to play. Her attitude was terrible. She said her BM said, "It's about time your father pays for something!" I was shocked because we had bought her 2 pairs of glasses 6 months before, as well as shoes for school, etc.
So fast forward to this summer. She was here for Father's Day, but we haven't seen her since. Two weeks ago she made an excuse that she couldn't come because her aunt's daughter (last minute) would be gone (for daughter's BD's wedding). My SD wanted to help her aunt deliver papers & earn some money. I couldn't understand how this could be last minute. I mean, what father waits until last minute to say they want their DD in their wedding??? This previous weekend, her aunt called my DH & said SD couldn't come because of another wedding that last minute they wanted her to go to. Again I wonder, who asks a neice to come last minute to a wedding?
I was upset for DH. Then he says, SD wants to know when the baby shower is. I said,"I want you to tell her that she isn't coming if she only wants to show up for a party. If she wants to come to parties, then she needs to be here for regular family stuff too." Well, DH was so mad. I told him I wasn't trying to make him mad, and he said that yes, I was. He said it wasn't her choice, etc. I said it was. He didn't talk to me for most of the day. He was still giving me the cold shoulder yesterday.
So, I guess my question is, am I wrong for feeling this way? I constantly feel like SD is only around or nice when she wants something. And before she stopped visiting, her attitude towards me has been terribly rude and/or mean. She is also mean to DS.... So who is right? If she had been visiting more often, of course I would have expected her to be at the shower. But when she chooses to only come when there is a party or something fun, I feel used. Please help. Sorry for the long post. Thanks!
Tell her your not sure when
Tell her your not sure when the shower will be, it might be a "last minute" thing. Don't mention it at all, then call her the day of and ask if everything can be dropped so she can attend and becuase your all so busy (with it being last minute and all) that BM will need to bring her and drop her off. When they complain about how you didn't plan it in advance, just say "well you know how these last minute things happen."
Or you could tell her it's going to be on a particular weekend, then when she shows up for that weekend, say that it had to be rescheduled becuase so and so who was helping to host it had a conflict. Then she is already there for a whole weekend - with no big plans or entertainment for her. Then you can explain to her that it shouldn't matter when the shower is, she should still want to come and spend time with the family and how happy she is there to spend some quality time with all of you, and that you won't have to run around doing stuff.
Sorry in my mind you don't
Sorry in my mind you don't come just for the fun stuff. You come for everything. Shame on your husband for not forcing her to come. All BS about the weddings if you ask me.
Just drop it with him and don't include her. She sounds like a BM in training only wanting to do the fun stuff and not the everyday crap that comes with being in a family.
I certainly don't think
I certainly don't think you're wrong for feeling this way. However, read up on Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). It sounds like there's a lot of that going on here, from BM and her family. A lot of kids who deal with PAS get punished somehow by the alienating parent if they dare to do or say anything that hints that they want to spend time with the parent who is being alienated. So she doesn't always have that much of a choice.
It also sounds like she's been allowed to call the shots about visitation. That is very dangerous. That gives her more power than she knows how to handle at her age. That's also giving BM more power to alienate her. Do her mom and dad enforce any consequences when she acts out? If they don't, that something that needs to change. SD needs to know that it's not acceptable to treat others badly.
It sounds like she needs discipline and could also benefit from counseling from a counselor who is experienced with teens and PAS.
Thank you all. I agree that
Thank you all. I agree that she needs counseling. I wish her BM would take her. DH disciplines her when she is here. But when she is only here Friday evening until Sunday evening, the disciplining is incomplete. And trust me when I say the discipline never follows her home, even when warranted. Although lately DH & BM have talked about how SD needs to treat me with respect. BM is on board & has said she talks to SD about it.
I know that DH wants her to be included in all the nice family stuff. My teenage niece will also be invited with her mother. But other than that, there are no other children invited. DH is from a family where children go to everything... so is her BM. He says it's a Catholic thing. So I guess that they don't understand an adult only shower. My DS isn't invited. But I'm sure DH would say it's because showers are "girl" events.
As for calling SD, I can't. She only talks to DH on the phone. She has never called the house, only DH's work cell phone. And DH would not do the shower swap thing...
Children do generally not go
Children do generally not go to baby showers. Sometimes 14 and up I have seen attend. But, not younger than that. As for the Catholic thing, so not a catholic thing. This is not a religion issue. This is an issue of boundaries and your DH doesn't see that.
I say stop discussing it and if it brought up again, you don't want children there. Enough said and walk away. You do not have to have anyone there you don't want.
I do have to say that
I do have to say that children where I am from do attend but they could care less about the party itself. Main reason they are there is b/c most can't get baby sitters. No big deal normally they go outside and play.
It has nothing to do with the party it has to do with wanting to be there for fun things or at least she thinks it will be fun. Get what I'm saying???
She seems to think that this shower is going to be fun for her and it will be about her. so don;t make it fun for her or about her. Have a place set up for her to go play or watch a movie which is where all the 'kids' will be while the shower is going on.
I almost wish there were
I almost wish there were other kids going so I could use this!!!
Question-is he Latino by any
Question-is he Latino by any chance? They are big on the whole "family" things....and not excluding kids.
No, he isn't Latino, but he's
No, he isn't Latino, but he's big on the "family" thing. Kids go to everything in the family. At the last family wedding, both of our kids were there. I actually got into a fight w/DH's sister (mother of the bride) at 10:30pm when I wanted to leave (we had a 1 hour drive home in a blizzard)& things weren't "done yet"...
Of course, that's a different post entirely.
I don't want to argue with DH
I don't want to argue with DH about this again. I spoke with my aunt who said for DH's sake I should bring her. I asked my aunt if she could keep SD under her wing so that she didn't try to make the day all about her. She agreed. We shall see how it goes.
But again I say, I would have no problem with her coming if she actually showed up for more than 1 weekend this summer. How I despise "free range" parenting. These are kids that need parents, not peers who need friends...