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newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 7:33am

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Blended Family Issues

I have been with my husband for 3 years now. We have a child of our own, and he has a child from a previous relationship. His childs mother is no longer in the picture and hasnt been for about 6months now. Recently he asked to call me mom rather than my real name. A few days later he said he wanted to call me by my real name because I wasnt his "real" mom. I asked if I wasnt his mother than who was? and he said he didnt know. I told him I was his mother and his father is his dad and we both love him very much. He said ok he didnt know and was upset over everything. His father and myself want to sit him down and reassure him of things, but we are unsure what should be said vrs not said. He is 5 years old. Please any help would be great!

rozylady2's picture

Submitted by rozylady2 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 7:39am

this come back and bite you in the butt. i had the same situation only bm been gone for years.at first they called me mom but now they are ugly and resentful. im sure they think im was trying to replace their mother which i wasnt but it is what it is. maybe talk to him and have him come up with a nick name for you .you know like nanna for grandma. that way your protected and he might feel more comfortable.

newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 7:42am

I totally agree with you, We have never kept his BM away from him, it was her decision to leave and sign over all her rights. A lot of issues have gone on. I just felt so bad when he said he didnt know who his mom was. Do we talk to him and say anything about his BM or ignore it until he asks about her? which he never does?

newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 8:05am

I wasnt focusing on myself or what I do for him. Because I didnt give birth to him doesnt mean I am not his mother. Yes I love him as he was my own, and do everything for him as I do for my own children. He is with us 100% of the time. So you are saying because I didnt give birth to him he shouldnt call me mom. I want him to call me whatever he feels is right even if its "joe blow" I do not care. I agree he does not know how to process this. And for the rest of his life I am the mother figure in his life, and your right at least he has me. I agree we need to discuss the situation with his BM, just trying to figure out how.or what to say.

newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 8:18am

I agree and that is what I told him, he can call me anything he wants. The so called title doesnt mean anything to me. I know in my heart who is a mother and not a mother. Kind of like anyone can be a father but it takes a real person to be a dad. I feel that way, yes she is his BM but i feel kids can have more than 1 and they are lucky to have more than one. I just do not know how to adress the situation without confusing him more. he is only 5. When and if his mother comes back he will know who he can count on and she isnt the one. Unfortunatly. god I wish she was someone he could count on but in reality she isnt. I honestly feel the "title" mom, mother, anything like that is something you must earn, just giving birth and walking away doesnt give you the right to be called that. I just hate how he is confused.

newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 8:21am

his bm gave up 100% rights, went to court and everything. Myself and husband have been appointed his legal parents.

newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 8:33am

Thank you, I just feel horrible for him. He is a very sensitive 5year old and by saying your "real mom" isnt here is just something I know will do a lot. Since he cannot understand fully what it means. I just dont know do we bring it up to him, or wait for him to mention it to us?

newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 8:38am

I asked him that because he needs to know who his parents are. I do not want him thinking he does not have a parent. He even said he didnt know who his mother was. I dont want him going around ever thinking that. I want him to know he is loved and has a family who would do anything for him. Im sure kids at school mention mom and dad, and he had no idea who his mom was. That is why i wanted to know who he thinks his mom is. If its the DB than fine, i would be ok with that, but when he said i dont know. i was 100% glad i asked.

newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 8:39am

NO my story is not changing at all. I put in the key parts to this to get some advice. having a piece of paper, going through court, paying all the money we did means nothing to me. Even if I didnt do that I would still be a mother to him.

newmom123's picture

Submitted by newmom123 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 8:59am

Thanks.. Its hard because she never has been around, even when she was she never was, if that makes sense. I feel even at 5 he knows she will not be at events, sporting events, school. Her mother goes to everything, so that is good. and then myself and husband are at everything. about a year ago at a sporting event she showed up, and he said wow look mommy is here, she never comes. sad but he knows..

I think we will wait until he brings it up, and just reassure him everyday (as we already do) how we love him. I just dont want him to think we will ever leave like she did.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:07am

One thing I've learned over the years. The BM is NEVER "out of the picture" until such time as she assumes room temperature.

Until such time, it's very dangerous to have a child call you mom; even if the BM hasn't shown up for years, signed away all her rights and you've adopted said child. Once the child knows he has a BM out there somewhere, all of a sudden he thinks of you as a liar b/c you said you were mom.

Symbolism over substance reigns. Popping one out has more importance in our western society than actually parenting and nuturing a child. Sad but true.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:26am

"Because I didnt give birth to him doesnt mean I am not his mother. Yes I love him as he was my own, and do everything for him as I do for my own children. He is with us 100% of the time. So you are saying because I didnt give birth to him he shouldnt call me mom. "
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It does mean exactly that. You are his stepmom. You are his mother-figure. You are the one he knows he can count on to be there for him. You should explain that you didn't give birth to him, but you love him just as much as if you did.

Being a stepmom doesn't mean you aren't as important or as good as a mom. That stigma seems to poison a lot of step-families. It seems like that's your hangup with him deciding that maybe he doesn't want to call you mom after all...like if you go back to being (name) you don't hold the same value.

At 5-years old, I wouldn't offer history or details about why his mom isn't in his life. If he asks, I would simply say, "Your mom loves you very much, but she can't be with you right now". In assuring him that you will always be there for him, I wouldn't make any comment about her NOT being there. Just let him know that you will be.

He's acknowledged the fact & seemed to understand that you are not his real mom. Anybody can figure that by "real" mom he was referring to "bio" mom. You insisting that you are, in fact, his "real" mom is only going to confuse him, & I can only guess that you felt the need to argue the point because it makes you feel better for him to think of you as his "bio" mom. If you're truly fine with him calling you whatever he wants to call you, you wouldn't have challenged his statement.