How do you disengage when you SAH?
I'm a SAHSM to two boys (one full-time, the other summers only) and it has become more and more clear that I need to disengage. The problem is I quit my job at the beginning of the year to move with H so he could take a new job. I'm now a SAHSM and the majority of everything kid-related falls on me. This is especially true now that it's summertime. I asked him REPEATEDLY throughout the spring, "When are you going to find camps for the boys? What activities are you going to put them in?"
Apparently, I am the activity for the summer.
However I can walk in the house after grocery shopping and not get so much as a grunt from anybody in the house, let alone help. SS12 just told H today that I was "mean" because I told them to stop wrestling. No, I yelled and told you to stop wrestling ON THE STAIRS! If one of them were to fall and break an arm while doing that, who would be irresponsible and the fall guy? Yours truly, for sure. My question is how does one act of my telling them to "cut it out" erode ALL of the stuff I do to support these ungrateful little brats? H called me, "informing" me that the kids were feeling this way. It took every fiber of my being not to tell him and his children to go to hell.
So how do I do it? How do I disengage from his children considering that I don't work outside of the home, and that it's summer? Also, where in your expert opinions is the line drawn between disengaging and "being mean"?
I look forward to your advice! I need it!
It is going to be much more
It is going to be much more difficult to disengage, in that you are going to be in SSs company all summer - poor you!! Being with my SDs all summer, I would certainly lose the will to live, I have enough trouble with one week!
I would suggest that you familiarise yourself with the principles of assertive behaviour, if you don't know about it already - there are loads of books on the subject - ones by Anne Dickson are the best (particularly "A Woman in your own Right" - and use those techniques to deal with your SSs.
I would be inclined to include some activities or outings with you, but only a few a week - you can't be running them around all the time, and expect them to amuse themselves for a good proportion of the time - they sound old enough to do that. I would limit internet time to a few hours a day, if necessary you can do this using a "net nanny" programme which switches off internet access except at times specified by you, and also stops the little darlings looking at any unsuitable sites. Good luck - let us know how it goes!
You make some great points.
You make some great points. I'm going to head to check my library's site right now for that book in particular...
I had been doing fun things with the kids as well as giving them academic stuff to keep their minds fresh, but now I don't feel like saying much of anything to them, lest I become the villain again.
For instance, H told SS12 to take his clothes to the laundry room yesterday. Well, SS took it upon himself to put in a load of clothes (he'd gotten in trouble numerous times about putting his clean clothes that I washed and folded in his closet and then piling filthy clothes on top of them, so for a while there I told him to wash his own clothes). About four T-shirts and three pair of socks. Total. I asked him why he didn't at least put his brother's clothes in with his, and reminded him that when I wash white clothes, I consider everyone in the house and do one big load. He's SO selfish (I could give you 100 examples) and unable or unwilling to be compassionate or think of others it's sickening... I know kids are typically egocentric, but surely by 12 compassion and thoughtfulness should have been cultivated in him. Well it has now been nearly 24 hours and those wet clothes are still sitting in the washer, and he left a gigantic pile of smelly clothes in a basket in the laundry room. It smells so bad that it has now made the entire kitchen reek... I asked H before he left for work today to please have SS12 move that load to the dryer and to take those vile clothes back to his room and bring them down one load at a time. He was pissed, asking, "Why can't YOU ask him." I told him it's pretty simple: Who wants to be the villain all the time, for benign things? I wanted to tell him, "YOU manage YOUR kids since they don't respect me and you don't seem to think they should at all times."
When he called you to
When he called you to complain about how his boys were feeling would have been the perfect time to agree with him and remind him that summer camp would make everyone happier.
Ha!!! Precisely!
Ha!!! Precisely!
Thats my problem to, I am a
Thats my problem to, I am a stay at home mom for our daughter so he just expects me to pick up and mother his child in the summer to. I just went to goodwill and bought SS a bunch of books, goosebumps and the like, I also went and bought him workbooks so that he could have a jump on next yrs material and keep him busy. Then I want and spent like $5 on a few one dollar models at michaels for him to do. My idea is to keep him occupied and out of my hair the more he has to do that doesn't involve me the better. No one can accuse me of neglecting him because I make sure he has stuff to do and is fed but I don't spend an overlly large amount of time actually with him doing things. He needs runing time, out in the back yard he goes, he needs to chill down, here is a book there is your room calm down a little bit. I still feel stressed and a little used but it is better then last summer when I didn't have a plan in place and he was underfoot all the time.
I feel your pain. At least
I feel your pain. At least you have your own child to make it feel less like you're the nanny though, right? Maybe not... Well, that's exactly how I feel.
At the start of summer, I went to Half-Price Books and got them tons of academic workbooks, some activity books (good for critical thinking, something they both lack because they are constantly either playing video games or drooling while watching television) drawing paper, etc... The only time they use it is when I say they need to. I'm TIRED of it.
They're not my kids. No matter what I say or how good my intentions are, I always find myself back in this position. I want off the hamster wheel.
I know this hard believe me,
I know this hard believe me, my problem is the balancing act. These kids resent you if you disingage but they also resent you if you do to much. If you try to do more they say your not my mother and hate you for doing what there lazy ass mother won't. Maybe someday someone will figure out the best way to deal with this and share it with us, until then at least we have eachother and know that we are not alone.
Wow.. you just hit the nail
Wow.. you just hit the nail on the head ..... "These kids resent you if you disingage but they also resent you if you do to much. If you try to do more they say your not my mother and hate you for doing what there lazy ass mother won't."
That's exactly how I feel - damned if I do, damned if I don't. I do so much for these kids and yet they never have enough - always want more, more, more.. but when I step in to parent them, I get my hand smacked and accused of being mean by both the kids and DH.. DH refuses to accept the reality of the fact that his kids are rude, ungrateful, inconsiderate slobs.. he's not doing them any favors by ignoring their bad behavior, that's for sure.
That's it! Exactly! I told H
That's it! Exactly! I told H that same thing last night! I'd damned if I do, damned if I don't. So, to me, sounds like I should lean more toward the "don't" side of things. At least that way I haven't wasted my time, energy and emotion, investing in people who couldn't care less about my existence.
Yesterday, for instance (the same day that SS12 called H at work to tell him how "mean" I am and that I was "yelling"), I told the boys that if they were up and ready to leave by 10 am, they could go to the gym with me. While I exercise, they can either play basketball or play video games, pool, watch tv, etc... in the kids' area. It's only open until noon, so we have to go early or they can't go which means I can't go and take them. I reminded them of the 10 am departure time at 9 am today. I go out to the family room to see if they're ready and they are still in pajamas. I said, "I guess no one wants to go to the gym." Not a peep from them (too engrossed in TV AND the DS at the time perhaps). I text H, told him about what I'd said and how they weren't dressed and that I was going to the gym. I also told him I am done asking them to shower and get dressed. They haven't showered since SUNDAY because I've been biting my tongue (not to mention holding my nose). He said he would call them and make sure they did their chores and washed their asses. They have to be told to do EVERYTHING or else it won't get done. Even then, SS12 only starts to do things when he hears the garage door go up. It's infuriating how lazy and passive aggressive he is.
Sounds like we live the same
Sounds like we live the same life...
I so badly want to say "eff it" and STOP doing anything for either of the "boys".. seriously.
Why does it have to be like this? I really think these DH have issues. Issues that stem from resentment from their prior marriage. Why else would they be so unwilling to allow us, a woman, a mom, to do what normal moms/women do in a normal family situation.....?
They want a family... but are keeping it from being one by not enforcing normal family boundaries and respect.
I've done this with SD11.
I've done this with SD11. The problem now is everything I have gotten her to do she doesn't like. Even, the food I bought her for breakfast and lunch. I finally, told her this is what you have, you don't like it, then you will starve. So, now SD11 and I live in pretty much silence during the day. I don't trust her one bit anymore and I'm sick of her ungratefulness and I literally want to :sick: when I have to listen to her and her dad talk. You would think he was talking to me. Gross!!! I digress, all you can do is keep doing what you're doing and make sure to do plenty for yourself.