Going crazy – not sure how much to expect from DH
Hello everyone,
I’m really torn, I’m not sure how much should I expect from my DH.
We’ve been married for over 2 years now and a lot has gotten better with the DH-BM-SK situation and I came to accept a lot more than I used to, I see myself being way more flexible with schedules and last minute changes. The problem is I’m not sure what I should expect from DH.
For example, two weekends ago we did not have the kids (they come every other weekend), but SD had a school program on Sunday afternoon, so the grandparents (whom the SK had spent a whole weekend together, only 2 weekends before that) were in town. I was so excited to have some adult time with parents-in-law and DH, I planned a whole road trip for us to go on Saturday, it was going to be great. Then, early Saturday, BM emails DH, offering him to have SK for some time on Saturday. And what did he do??? He dropped all our plans and chose to have his kids for the whole afternoon. I was SO MAD! It was my time with him and he deliberately chose SKs over me (as I understood).
Then again today, he was supposed to get SKs only at 5pm, but he got in touch with BM to make an arrangement and get them earlier (2pm). It’s like he is not happy if he doesn’t have SKs around. Which for me, means: dealing with tantruns and bad behavior, cooking, cleaning and picking up toys after them. And plus: when they are at our house, DH is always too tired to do anything with me, after putting SKs down, at nighttime.
Please ladies, tell me…….. Am I being the problem here? Should I just try to keep my expectations level low so I won’t get pissed every time he chooses SKs over me? Is this the real way things work?
I love my husband and I love my SKs, but I love myself more and it’s been hard to prioritize someone whose priority is not me. Every so often I wonder if I made the right choice, marrying a man with “baggage”.
I just started reading the book Stepmonster, I’ve heard many good things about it. Hopefully it will calm me down and give me some perspective.
That's tough. Shortly after
That's tough. Shortly after DH and I got married, DH said to me that aside from SD, I'm the most important person in his life. I really didn't like that comment.
Even though this doesn't say much about his parenting, I'm lucky that DH is a bit selfish. He doesn't like to drive far to see her (and she lives 45 minutes away). For the longest time, he wouldn't see her without me because "they were bored just the two of them". And then he wouldn't see her without me because I'm his wife. Now he hasn't seen her in over a year, and I convinced him to go ask her out to dinner alone because she might be feeling jealous about our new baby. Shockingly he listened.
Sometimes I feel bad that it's obvious that SD ISN'T the priority DH says she is, but then again, she's not a very nice person and not fun to be around, unless someone ENJOYS screaming and yelling and drama.
I'm not sure what to say
I'm not sure what to say about what is reasonable to expect, because I haven't gotten there yet myself...
I do completely understand, though. This weekend SO and I are having our first weekend alone since we moved in together 1 1/2 years ago. We have his daughter every weekend and randomly on occasional weeknights. I love my own kids deeply, but I gotta say I do not mind that even my own kids go to their dad's every other weekend. Mom can use a break sometimes. So even with my kids gone, we have his daughter every single stinking weekend. I am not a SAHM, so SO and I have virtually no time during the week to be together either.
I did finally have a discussion with SO, which I blogged in excruciating detail here, about priorities. Before we ever got together, he told me his kids were #1 priority. Sounded reasonable to me because the safety, health, and well-being of my own bio-kids is my #1 priority. What was happening, though, is that in order to carry out this priority he had, he was catering to his daughter's every whim, spoiling her, and not disciplining her in order to keep her happy, not to mention ignoring me. It was driving me out of the relationship. So I finally brought up the difference between "safety, health, and well-being" and "whim-catering, spoiling, etc"...and that our relationship had to have some sort of priority as well. Not a greater or lesser priority, just a different priority. Finally he understood, and while we still are stuck with no weekends together, he made a big positive change in how he acts.
Anyway...my point there was something like that it feels better just to know SO's priorities, in both words and actions, even if it doesn't necessarily guarantee more time together. From my own experience and from what I've read on here, it's a hard conversation to have without the BD going totally defensive, but it's one worth trying.
I know! If it were me I
I know! If it were me I wouldn't think it was fair that BD always got the fun weekend time and BM always has the school week with homework, chores, showers, earlier bedtime, getting ready for school etc. Wait a minute...I'm also a bio-mom, that IS me lol. But my ex still only has EOW.
It's what they agreed on in court, although I don't think either of them really thought it through. I think the most logical thing would be BD having them 2 nights out of the week and EOW. We live in the same neighborhood, so they would even ride the same bus to school, and it would be the same amount of time. And skids would be more like part of our household and less like weekend guests. But nobody wants to hear my logic...
So basically she has her kids babysat so she can party every weekend.
I felt the same when we had
I felt the same when we had skids every weekend, we were both working, me both day and in another evening job at the time, so our time was precious. This is what DH had always done, and believe me the BM was happy with it. She didn't work for about ten years after their divorce, had a stay at home bf with her too, she and bf also had a baby straight away after divorce. Stay at home bf was the reason for divorce BTW ,she'd been having an affair with him!!! They were given a NEW bedroom home for very little rent, and recieved tons and tons of benefits. It was insane!!! DH has always worked, had no real life as he was with skids each weekend!!! No money to do anything else!!
So BM had it all very very nice for a long long time......
DH spent about 3 years getting back on his feet, was promoted into a good postion, bought a house and YES you guessed it the BM came sniffing around again !!! DH almost ran for the hills ( and nearly died laughing of course !!)
Shortly after we married, DH
Shortly after we married, DH got week on/week off custody of skids. I went through a similar time with my Dh. I had to sit down when we were alone and have a little chat about my needs as his wife. He agreed that we needed "us" time, so we made plans to start having a date, whether the skids were here or not. Because they're a little older, we're able to leave them for a few hours together. But, when SS15 was at a friend's place, we did get a babysitter (usually grandma or BM) for SS10. DH has been kinda good about giving me the time I need. If you come to him calmly and reasonably (I only asked for 1 day a week for a few hours), he should be open to the suggestion. He also likes the little rewards for treating me well.