Recently my MIL came to visit. She came down to our home while we had skids for visitation b/c BM does not allow her to see the kids at all. On this particular visit she came to help me out with the kids b/c I watch them during the day while their father works. He is military and I am a full-time student between semesters and currently 8 mo pregnant with my first child. Now, most of the time I have no problem taking care of my skids. They are 3 and 1 1/2 and I have been highly involved in their lives since the youngest was 3 mo. I had planned a trip to visit my own mother (who is incarcerated right now) out of state for the weekend and had to be there for her visitation on a friday (meaning I had to leave thursday) and my DH was unable to get leave for the day to take care of the kids. MIL offered to come help and spend some time with her grandkids. I was all for this despite the fact that everytime she comes to my home she takes over...rearranging my kitchen to her liking, doing my laundry (I should probably appreciate this more) and cleaning my house to her standards, rearranging the childrens room to her specifications, etc. Well, before I left I wrote a 2 page letter basically detailing the usual schedule for the children such as meal times, nap times, bed times, medication schedules (BM has 1 1/2 yo on anti-anxiety meds that we do not agree with but cannot just stop giving her) unacceptable behaviors that we are dealing with, etc. When I returned home at the end of my visit with my own mother I discovered that MIL had allowed the children to run wild and completely disregarded my instructions. Now I understand that she is their grandmother and some things I could deal with but she refused any type of discipline, had the kids up until 9:30 or 10 every night (their usual bedtime is completely disregarded their usual scheduled meals and nap times and then had the nerve to complain that they were difficult to deal with alone. On top of that she once again rearranged my kitchen. That is a big issue with me... the kitchen is MY area in the house and I dont like anyone messing with the way I have things.

Also, while she was here, we spoke about our childhood experiences. She shared with me about her mothers violent tendencies while she was growing up and I shared with her about my very abusive childhood. During this conversation we got around to the discipline issue. I believe in time-outs and spankings... spankings involve 2 or 3 smacks on the buttocks (not hard ones either as they are very young children). I shared with her about the one time that I had accidentally bruised the 3 yo behind for a very dangerous situation. She was 2 1/2 at the time and had her 9 mo sister laying on her back and was pushing down on her sisters chest with all of her weight. I got scared and freaked out and immediately spanked 2yo a little harder than I meant to. It left a very small bruise on her behind and I felt horrible about it. I shared this with my MIL in an attempt to show her that although I do have some of the violent tendencies that I grew up experiencing I work very hard to control myself and not allow that to come out. I made a mistake, I apologized to the child and her father was informed of the situation immediately (by me) and I have always felt very bad about the situation. I explained this to MIL in an effort to show that while I am not perfect, I do try very hard to be a good mother-figure to these children.

I received an e-mail the day she returned to her own home basically accusing me of being abusive to the children and telling me that I should never discipline them again. That it is not my place to do so (I will not have the children disciplined hours after an infraction when they do not understand what they are being disciplined for just so their father can be the one who does it) and she also called my DH to tell him that he was doing something wrong if I punished the child so harshly. I found this completely unacceptable and told her so. I also addressed the issue of her taking over my home with DH and his only response to it was "I've never heard anyone complain to much about someone else cleaning their house" and I was a little put off about that. I know she is his mother but I feel like he should support me in this issue. Although he did support me when his mother accused him of doing something wrong. He told her that I am an excellent SM and treat the girls very well and that a one time mistake was just that-a mistake. He agrees with my punishments (I always tell him exactly what the infraction was and what the resulting punishment was as soon as he gets home from work so that he is aware of everything that goes on) and I know if he had a problem with something he would tell me.

I just dont get where she gets off telling me how to raise our kids when she didnt do such a bang up job herself. She isnt the perfect parent and I really resent her always criticizing every move I make with the children. She is incredibly sensitive (as is the 3 yo) and she believes that 3yo is "afraid" of me... But everytime MIL comes to visit she treats both children like they are still infants and corrects me in front of them... I think that the 3yo is feeding off of the MIL feelings towards me and it makes it very difficult to deal with her when MIL returns to her own home.

Aaahhhh!!!! She makes me wanna pull my hair out!!! Any advice??